


Promise You'll Be Here

by XX_InfinityWriter_XX



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 25 Days of Fic, 25 Days of Fic-mas, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Castiel, Cancer, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Coffee Shops, Cute, Dean has cancer, Developing Relationship, Doctor Castiel, Drunk Castiel, Fluff and Humor, Hospitals, Human Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Ice Skating, Jealous Castiel, Long-ass fic, M/M, Mechanic Dean, Medical Procedures, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, New York City, Oral Sex, Protective Castiel, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Sick Dean Winchester, Smut, Undecided Relationship(s), more tags added later, updated every day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:35:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 60,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XX_InfinityWriter_XX/pseuds/XX_InfinityWriter_XX
Summary: Castiel's one night stand becomes more intimate when his hookup becomes a new patient. As Dean's health deteriorates, they'll realize that they don't want to live without the other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have been planning this fic for about two months and I've got to say, I'm proud of how it turned out! I thought that this project, though ambitious, would be something that I could manage and I'm hoping that I do. I hope you enjoy this 25 day saga, I have definitely enjoyed writing and planning it! 
> 
> Thanks to [DarkHeartInTheSky](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkHeartInTheSky) for beta-ing this story and making it amazing!
> 
>  
> 
> Merry Fic-mas!!! <3

The whiskey burns on the way down. It’s not a surprise, it always burns, but Dean still grimaces. The alcohol warms him from the inside out when it hits his stomach-- exactly what he needed. He sits his glass back down on the wooden bar and motions to the bartender, silently asking for another. Immediately, there is more of the dark amber liquid being poured in his glass and immediately, he drinks half the glass.

“You doing okay, man?” the bartender asks on the second refill. Dean nods gruffly and looks down at his clasped hands resting in front of him. If he’s being honest, no, he’s not okay. But he’s not going to bitch about his problems to some random bartender like a fucking cliche.

He wiggles his glass once more, and with a resigned sigh, the bartender fills it again.

“Well, alright, but you may want to slow down,” he says before walking away to fill another patron’s glass. Dean looks down at his half-full glass with contempt.

He should slow down. But when he came in here tonight, he had one goal; get shitfaced and maybe find someone to hookup with.

Dean glances around the bar and realizes that hooking up with ‘someone’ isn’t really looking good, considering that there are only three people alone in the bar-- two old guys and a woman crying into her beer. Not exactly great choices for a meaningless one-night stand.

So, that leaves getting shitfaced. Which he calculates is only one or two more whiskeys away, maybe with a few beers thrown in. As long as the bartender continues to serve him, he can reach his goal and be pleasantly drunk the rest of the night. He doesn’t need to remember that he spent all day alone.

It’s not like he chose to be alone, anyways. But there weren’t exactly people lining up at his door to share a stale piece of pie for dinner, let alone ask him to their house. The one person who might’ve invited him to their house isn’t speaking to him, after all, so he really had no other option.

But God, he misses Sam.

He misses his brother so much it hurts. He would give anything to erase that night, to take back everything that he said. He hadn’t meant any of it, it had just been said in the heat of the moment. Yet Sam-- Sam thought it was all true. That every single word was exactly what Dean thought.

It’s because of the pigheaded things that Dean said that he hasn’t seen his brother in nearly a year. And every single day that passes without seeing Sam feels like a punch in the stomach. Why did Dean have to say those things? Why did he feel the need to hurt his brother so much that he would be cut out of Sam’s life forever?

Hell, Dean doesn’t even have an answer. If he did, he wouldn’t have said the stupid ass things he did. He would’ve hugged his brother tight and told him that he loved him, not call him a dick and other awful things.

“Can I get another?” Dean says, his words slurring slightly. The bartender, who Dean has learned is named Travis, looks at him for a moment before filling his glass, again.

“Okay, but this is your last one of these. You may wanna switch over to beer,” Travis says, not unkindly. Dean nods and puts the glass up to his lips, savoring the once again bitter taste. Travis gives him one last look before walking off towards one of the older men sitting at the end of the bar.

Dean sighs once he’s gone and rests his head on his arms. He already knows he’s going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

He feels someone sit down next to him, their arm brushing his. He sits up, curious as to why the fuck someone would sit right next to him when there are plenty of bar stools open. He turns to the person and opens his mouth to say something, but closes it immediately when he meets a pair of bright blue eyes meet his.

The man sitting next to him is hot.

His dark hair sticks out messily, like he had a crazy night of sex and no time to comb it down this morning. All Dean wants to do is slide his fingers through it and tug on it. And his lips-- dear god, his lips. They are just begging for Dean to kiss them and bite them until he and the man are out of breath. But none of that compares to the man’s eyes.

They are like a cloudless, winter day’s sky; bright and crisp. And looking straight at Dean with confusion.

“Can I help you?” the man asks.

And yep, that voice sends blood straight to Dean’s dick.

“Uh, no. Sorry man, I just-- uh,” Dean stutters, his downstairs brain making it very difficult to get a sentence out that’s not ‘please fuck me’. “Hi, I’m Dean,” he blurts, holding out his hand to the stranger. The man furrows his brows and tilts his head, looking at Dean’s hand with confusion.

He takes it after a long, awkward moment, but replies, “Castiel Novak.”

“So, Cas, what’s a guy like you doing at a bar on Thanksgiving?” Dean asks, trying to regain some of his charm. He downs the rest of his whiskey and flags down Travis. “Can I get a beer?”

“Sure thing, man. You want anything, chief?” Travis asks Castiel, pulling out a beer and putting it on the table in front of Dean.

“I’ll have a beer too,” Castiel says. Travis nods and places another beer in front of Castiel, who immediately takes a drink. Once Travis walks away, Castiel turns to Dean and says, “I could ask you the same thing.”

Dean smirks and takes a swig of his beer. He looks at Castiel with a raised eyebrow and shrugs.

“Alright, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours,” Dean offers. Castiel ponders this for a moment, his eyebrows still furrowed, before he nods. Grinning, Dean says, “I had nowhere else to go.”

Castiel looks at him, waiting for him to continue, but when he doesn’t, Castiel shakes his head.

“That’s hardly the whole story,” he says, his voice actually holding a note of disappointment. “Why didn’t you have anywhere else to go? Don’t you have family?”

Dean smiles softly and turns his whole body to face Castiel, their knees brushing, sending electricity up Dean’s leg.

“Someone is nosy,” he says cockily. Castiel looks down and mutters an apology as a blush rises on his cheeks, which Dean thinks suits him. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. And yea, I have a family, but they-- uh, didn’t really want me around this Thanksgiving.” Dean says, his mood quickly turning sour once again. He looks back up at Castiel under his eyelashes and meets concerned eyes.

The two sit in an uncomfortable silence for a while, both taking periodic sips of their drinks, until Castiel breaks the silence.

“My family didn’t really want me around either,” he admits. Dean turns to face him again, a curious glint in his eyes. He makes a ‘go on’ motion, so Castiel sighs and explains, “they don’t exactly agree with all of my lifestyle choices.”

Dean glances at him with another curious glance before taking a swig of his beer, holding it in his mouth before swallowing. He’s starting to really feel the buzz of alcohol running through his bloodstream.

“Yea, I get that,” he says, hinting at his own despondency. Castiel looks down at his beer bottle and runs his thumb along the rim, his mouth opening as if he wants to say something, but closing immediately. Dean takes a moment to admire the man’s hands, appreciating the length of his fingers and the gracefulness in their movements.

Okay, he needs to get a grip. He’s getting turned on by the guy’s _hands_.

“So, uh-- what do you do, Cas?” Dean asks, trying to lighten the mood. He hadn’t wanted to bring it down in the first place. The whole point for coming to the bar tonight was to forget why he was alone, not drag it all up in the first place. But, for some reason, telling Castiel something so personal seemed… natural. Which is a weird feeling for Dean, considering the only person he’s ever talked about personal matters with is Sam and that obviously hasn’t happened in a while.

“I work at a hospital,” Castiel says after a long silence. Dean nods, opening his mouth to ask what he does at the hospital, but Castiel asks him a question before he can. “What do you do?”

“Well, I have the glamorous life of being a mechanic,” he answers dryly, his voice holding a sharp edge. Castiel shoots him a sympathetic look, though Dean isn’t sure why. It’s not like the guy knows him at all. Or knows anything about his situation. Yet, for some strange reason, the fact that Castiel cares warms him.

“Do you enjoy your job?” Castiel asks, his voice calculated and precise. Dean shrugs and makes a noncommittal sound, unsure of what to say. He’s not even sure he knows the answer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Nah, it’s fine man. And I mean, I guess I like it. Pays the bills,” Dean says, chuckling darkly. Castiel nods in understanding and joins him in his laughing.

“Yes, I can relate to that,” he agrees. “You don’t have to love it if it pays the bills. But if you were to do something you loved, what would it be?”

Dean smiles, really smiles for the first time in-- well he doesn’t know how long. And it’s not even because of what Castiel said. But the fact that someone actually cares enough to ask him about his dreams. Nobody has ever actually asked him that. Not even Sam.

“Anything?” Dean asks. Castiel nods, smiling back at Dean. It makes his eyes squint and brighten, something Dean immediately decides suits him. “Well, in that case, I guess I would be a teacher. I really like history, so maybe I could teach that. Or I’d be a rock star, or travel with a band, at least. I could always be a lackey or something. That would be cool.”

Dean cuts himself off, blushing, as he realizes that he was babbling. He looks down at the bar, finding a _very_ interesting water ring and begins tracing it with his pointer finger. He thinks he just made a fool of himself, but when he looks over at Castiel, he’s looking at Dean like he is one of the most interesting people in the world.

Just another way, Dean realizes, that Castiel is different from other people.

“Can you play an instrument?” Castiel asks, his eyes lighting up. Dean looks at him with in slight awe, wondering why the hell a stranger cares enough to continue asking questions.

“Um, kinda? I know how to play the guitar, I guess,” Dean says, half-shrugging. Castiel nods, the light in his eyes still there. “What about you? Do you play anything?”

This seems to be a good question to ask, because a bright smile breaks out across Castiel’s face, though a pink flush brushes across his cheeks. And, strangely, Dean finds the smile contagious as one of his own pulls at the corners of his mouth.

“I do,” he answers, his voice soft, though it contains an obvious excitement. Castiel glances up at Dean from under his eyelashes and Dean can feel his pants get tighter. He raises an eyebrow, silently asking Castiel to continue, and tries to adjust himself inconspicuously. “Erm, I can play the piano. I’m not very good,” he adds quickly, as if he has to reassure Dean.

“Yea, I’m sure that’s not true,” Dean hears himself say. What is the matter with him? This Castiel guy makes him say the strangest things. Instantly Dean can feel his face get hot, but Castiel doesn’t seem to notice.

Dean decides to blame the alcohol.

Not that he’s embarrassed or concerned about his attraction to Castiel. Dean is not ashamed of his bisexuality-- in fact, he tends to be open about. Hell, he’s so far out of the closet, he doesn’t even remember where it was in the house. But, the fact that his dick has regressed to fifteen-year-old-seeing-a-girl’s-bra-for-the-first-time status? Yea, that’s embarrassing.

“Well, that’s very kind of you to say,” Castiel says quietly, looking down at his hands. “Can I buy you a drink, Dean?” he asks, suddenly looking up with intense eyes. Dean swallows thickly and nods, not trusting his voice to sound normal.

Travis walks by at that moment and Castiel flags him down.

“Can I get two whiskeys?” he asks, glancing at Dean as if asking ‘is that okay?’. Dean nods slowly and Travis smiles knowingly.

“Sure thing. These both on you?” Travis asks, glancing between Castiel and Dean. Castiel nods and Travis smiles, grabbing two glasses and pouring whiskey in them. He slides one to Dean and one to Castiel, nodding at them before walking away.

Dean grabs his glass a raises it, holding it towards Castiel, who grabs his. They clink their drinks together and Dean smiles.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Castiel,” he says.

“Happy Thanksgiving, Dean.”

The two lift the glasses to their lips and swallow some of the drink. Dean sits his glass down half full, and is shocked, and admittedly turned on, when he sees Castiel downing the whole drink.

Dean finds himself mesmerized by the way Castiel’s throat ripples when he swallows and is shocked at the strong need to place a kiss on the other man’s neck. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the thought.

Castiel meets his eye and places the glass back on the bar with a clank. His face scrunches up in a disgusted expression and he looks like he’s fighting the urge to gag. Dean grins and debates making a sarcastic comment, but refrains himself.

And as Castiel’s leg brushes his again, sending another bolt of lightning through him, he hears himself ask, “Do you wanna get out of here?”

Castiel looks over at him with wide eyes, his hand paused halfway from resting on the bar. Dean looks down, preparing himself to be shot down, when Castiel’s hand lands on his thigh instead of the bar. Dean looks up, startled and finds Castiel’s eyes with blown pupils.

Without warning, Castiel surges forward, his hands cupping Dean’s jaw. He stands between Dean’s legs and leans down to look into Dean’s eyes, hesitating a moment before he presses their lips together. Dean gasps, and Castiel takes advantage, sliding his tongue into Dean’s mouth.

Their tongues slide together deliciously, pulling a moan out of Dean, which is when Castiel pulls back to look at Dean once more. There are a few people in the bar who tell them to get a room, but both ignore them.

“Yes,” he answers simply, his voice dropping at least one octave, which goes straight to Dean’s dick, making him very appreciative of his choice to wear jeans. Dean nearly chokes on his tongue when Castiel grabs his hand and pulls him out of his chair.

Dean sways immediately and realizes he is _way_ drunker than he thought he was. But, when Castiel’s arm wraps around his waist to catch him, he doesn’t mind. He especially doesn’t mind when said arm stays there, supporting him, but not in an obvious ‘look who’s drunk’ way.

They make their way out of the bar, which is much more crowded than when Dean had entered, bumping against tables as they do. Dean wraps an arm around Castiel when he stumbles around a chair, and they end up leaning against each other in a half hug. Neither thinks of letting go of the other, even when they bump into people and get dirty looks.

Really, the act is too intimate for two strangers, but in his drunken haze, Dean doesn’t even think about that. All he can think about is the heat radiating off of Castiel and how good it feels to have someone’s arm around him.

Dean may be a little touch starved. Just a bit.

They finally exit the building, the heavy doors slamming behind them. Cold air envelopes them, making Dean shiver and subconsciously lean into Castiel’s heat. True to New York City standard, there is not a shortage of people on the sidewalk.

Castiel leans down and whispers in Dean’s ear, “would you like to go to my house or yours?”

Dean looks up at him with wide eyes. The question, of course, was expected, but hearing Castiel actually ask surprises Dean.

“Yours?” he answers, looking down into Castiel’s eyes and realizing for the first time that he is a few inches taller than the other man. For some reason the fact sends a pulse of arousal through Dean, which he again blames on the alcohol. Castiel nods and leads him to the curb, where he hails a taxi by raising his hand. Dean looks at him in awe; it usually takes him three times to get a taxi to stop for him.

Castiel pulls the door of the taxi open and climbs inside, dragging Dean in behind him. Dean rests against Castiel’s side, as if neither can bear to not touch the other for one second.

“Where to?” the driver asks in a rich Brooklyn accent, looking at Castiel in the rearview mirror.

“170 Amsterdam Avenue in Manhattan,” Castiel says, his voice still deep with arousal. The driver nods and pulls away from the curb as Castiel’s hand runs up Dean’s leg. They are turned slightly towards each other so they can hold eye contact.

Castiel leans down to cover Dean’s mouth with his own, sliding his tongue into Dean’s mouth once more. Dean decides he tastes like a mix of alcohol and rainwater, an exhilarating combination. Dean runs a hand down Castiel’s back at the same time he gently bites Castiel’s bottom lip. He grins when he hears Castiel moan, both of them oblivious to the fact that there is someone else in the car.

That is, until the driver clears his throat, trying to get them to stop.

Castiel pulls back as if he’s been stung and looks down at his lap sheepishly. Dean rolls his eyes, annoyed.

“Can we help you?” he asks the driver in the rudest tone he can muster. The driver looks back at him in the rearview mirror with wide eyes. Dean lifts one eyebrow, challenging the guy to say something. He doesn’t and Dean sighs deeply, turning back to face Castiel. “Where were we?”

Castiel smirks, but a blush rises high on his cheeks. “We shouldn’t,” he says, his voice low and quiet. Dean places a hand on Castiel’s thigh and slides closer. Castiel slides a hair's width away, placing a hand on Dean’s chest. “We really should wait.”

Dean glances down at the hand on his chest and his mouth parts as he looks down at the Castiel’s narrow wrist and slim, graceful fingers. He has a strong urge to pulls Castiel’s hand up and suck on the slim digits, but before he has the chance, Castiel’s hands grips his shirt and pulls him in close.

Castiel puts his mouth right next to Dean’s ear, close enough that Dean can feel his breath on his skin, and whispers, “if you’re patient, I’ll make it up to you when we get to my apartment.”

Dean’s breath hitches and he feels his dick twitch in his pants. Damn, how does this guy talk so dirty so easily? “You promise?” he asks in a hoarse voice that cracks at the end of the sentence. He glances at Castiel to see if this went unnoticed, and by the look on his face, it didn’t.

“Absolutely,” Castiel says, leaning in again to place a chaste kiss on Dean’s lips that has Dean leaning in for more when he pulls away. Castiel places one of his slim fingers, which Dean had been admiring earlier, on Dean’s lips, holding him in place. Giving Castiel a mischievous smirk, he pulls the finger into his mouth and sucks on it, running his tongue along the time of it.

Another act that neither man finds too intimate for two strangers.

Castiel gasps, his eyes widening as he stares at where his finger is in Dean’s mouth. His mouth falls open and Dean can see his throat working around words, which he ends up whispering. “You better knock that off, or I will not reward you when we get there.”

Dean pulls his mouth off of Castiel’s finger with an obscene pop that attracts the attention of their driver. Neither pay any attention to him though and just stare at each other, arousal thrumming through both of their bodies.

By the time the cab pulls up on the side of the road, the driver announcing that they are there, Dean is full hard in his pants just from anticipation. And judging from how often he adjusts in his seat, Castiel is in the same boat. A fact that only proves to interest Dean’s dick even more.

Castiel pulls two twenties out of his wallet, despite the driver saying he only owes thirty dollars, and tells the man to keep the change. Then, Dean is being pulled out of the cab by his sleeve and dragged across the street. Castiel doesn’t look back at him until they are inside of the apartment building, which Dean notes, is huge and expensive looking.

Dean has no time to admire the inside of the lobby, because before he gets the chance, Castiel is pulling him into the elevators and punching a button on the wall before pushing Dean up against the wall.

He catches Dean’s lips in a hard kiss and Dean can feel Castiel’s arousal pressing up against his leg. Well, he’s got to do something with that information.

Dean rolls his hips up against Castiel’s and grins at the deep moan that rumbles through Castiel’s chest. Before they can get any farther, the elevator bell dings. Castiel draws himself away, though it seems to take a lot of effort, and turns to face the door.

The doors slide open and a man with two kids walks in. They stand in front of where Dean and Castiel are standing against the back wall, both desperately trying to cover their erections with their hands clasped in front of their bodies.

The elevator rises at an extremely low pace that has Dean ready to scream. But finally, after what seems like forever, the doors slide open and Castiel moves forward, grabbing Dean’s sleeve and pulling him with him. The emerge into a hallway that ends with only one door. They hear the doors close again and Dean struggles not to jump on Castiel immediately.

Castiel pulls a set of keys out of his pocket and, with shaking hands, pulls one out of the bunch. He puts the key up to the lock and tries to slide it in, but his hands are shaking too badly. The key slides around the lock and Castiel makes a frustrated sound and looks one second from throwing the keys across the hallway and breaking the door down.

Dean huffs a laugh and gently pulls the keys from Castiel’s hand. He can feel the other man’s eyes on him as he easily slides the key in the lock and opens the door. The instant the door is open, Castiel darts in and grabs the front of Dean’s shirt, hauling him in the apartment and slamming the door behind him.

Then Dean’s is being pushed against the door, hard. And suddenly Castiel’s hands are all over his body, pulling his leather jacket down his arms where it falls onto the floor. Dean drops the keys next to it in favor of sliding his fingers through Castiel’s dark hair, tangling them and tugging slightly, earning a moan.

Their lips connect again and their tongues slide together without hesitation. Somebody groans, but neither are sure who. Dean’s fingers work at unbuttoning Castiel’s shirt and he curses when he can’t even get the top one undone. He breaks apart from the kiss to look Castiel in the eye before gripping the shirt and ripping it off of him. The sound of buttons hitting the hardwood floor surround them, accompanied by Castiel and Dean’s deep breaths.

“Oh God,” Castiel groans as he surges forward again, slamming his lips against Dean’s. Dean slides his hands up and down the newly exposed skin, loving the way that Castiel arches into the touch. He can feel Castiel working to get his t-shirt up and he pulls himself away long enough to rip it up off of his head.

Castiel places two soft hands on his chest and looks at Dean like he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Dean hooks his fingers through Castiel’s belt loops and pulls him flush against him, touching everywhere they can. He revels in the feeling of skin on skin, euphoria filling his thoughts. He takes Castiel’s mouth again and moans at his taste, wondering fleetingly if the sweetness on his tongue is from something Castiel ate, or just purely Castiel.

He rolls his hips against Castiel, their cocks sliding together as much as possible through their pants, and groans at the friction that’s too much and not enough all at the same time. Castiel reaches for his belt buckle, but Dean grabs his wrists gently, earning a confused and frustrated look.

“Bedroom,” Dean gasps, the want thrumming through his body making him needy. A look of understanding washes over Castiel’s face and he moves forward again to give Dean a messy kiss before pulling him in what Dean assumes to be the direction of the bedroom. On the way, Dean toes off his socks and sees Castiel unbuckle his belt. He slides it out of his belt loops and tosses it to the side, turning back to catch Dean’s eye, a grin breaking out across his face.

Castiel whips around as if he’s being pulled by magnets and places two hands on Dean’s waist, leaning in to begin sucking a kiss over Dean’s collarbone.

“Fuck, Castiel,” Dean moans, a shudder running through his body when Castiel scrapes his teeth over his skin. “Bed-- f-fuck, now.”

As if he forgot where they were headed, Castiel tilts his head, confused. It then clicks into place once again and he walks backwards, all the while leaning into begin kissing down Dean’s jaw line.

Dean’s hands slide around from their position on Castiel’s hips to the small of his back, drawing him closer. He slipes his hands down into Castiel’s back pockets, squeezing his firm ass. Castiel groans as Dean kneads his hands and his hips buck up into Dean’s.

“D-Dean,” he stutters. Castiel’s back hits the door and he reaches behind himself to open the door and pushes it open, pulling Dean in with him. Dean moves them to the bed until Castiel’s knees hit it and he gently guides him to lay down.

Dean looks down at the sight before him; Castiel shirtless and gasping, a pink flush covering his shoulders and cheeks, his eyes dark with arousal. “Damn,” he says, his mouth falling open in awe. He leans down and sucks kisses down Castiel’s torso. He looks up at Castiel under his lashes before placing his lips over one of Castiel’s nipples.

Castiel’s back arches and his mouth forms a small ‘o’. Dean sucks lightly and runs his teeth gently over the hard nipple. He runs his hands down Castiel’s chest and finds the button of his pants, undoing it with deft fingers. He tugs on the pants and Castiel raises his hips accordingly, wiggling to help Dean pull them down.

Dean releases Castiel’s nipple and looks down at Castiel’s tented boxers. His breath catches at the damp spot and a low moan rips out of his throat. He slides a hand under the boxers and pulls them down. A gasp sounds from Castiel when his erection becomes free from them, bending backwards towards his stomach.

Reaching in his back pocket, Dean grabs the condom he’d slipped in there earlier, just in case. He’s nothing if not prepared. He looks at Castiel and rips the condom packet open with his teeth. Castiel’s eye widen and a moan comes through his spit-slicked lips.

Dean smirks and gets down on his knees between Castiel’s legs. Castiel, who’d been laying back on the bed limp, begins pushing up on his elbows just as Dean rolls the condom on Castiel’s dick. Castiel gasps and falls back on his back like his arms are already too weak.

Deciding to be a little shit, Dean runs his tongue up the underside of Castiel’s cock. Castiel’s breath hitches and his hips buck up off the bed. Dean can hear short, gasping breaths coming from Castiel and it just encourages him to take the head of his cock in his mouth.

“Dean,” Castiel gasps, his back arching off of the bed, pushing more of his cock into Dean’s mouth. Dean smirks around him and slides his mouth down the length of his shaft more, swirling his tongue around the head. “ _Fuck_.”

That is all Dean can take. He pulls off with an obscene pop and unbuckles his belt. He pops the button open of his pants and pushes them down, all the while Castiel’s eyes are fixed on his crotch. When his pants are down around his knees, Castiel’s eyes widen at his erection standing at attention through his boxers.

He sits up and makes eye contact with Dean as he places his hands on the waistband of his underwear. He slides them down, his eyes sparking when Dean gasps as the cold air touches his dick.

“Lube?” Dean asks, his voice hoarse.

“In the drawer of the nightstand,” Castiel says, his eyes wide. Dean gets up and walks quickly over to the nightstand, kicking his pants the rest of the way off when he trips. He hears Castiel chuckle. Dean forcefully pulls the drawer open, finding a small bottle of lube that’s nearly full.

He crawls back on the bed, trying to be as sexy as possible, a smirk gracing his face. Castiel looks at him with a look of awe that’s way too intimate for the situation, but somehow still makes the heat in Dean’s belly grow. Once Dean makes it back to Castiel, they both lean forward, their lips meeting in the middle.

Castiel pulls back and rests his hand on Dean’s chest. “Promise you’ll be here in the morning,” he says breathlessly, his eyes pleading. How can Dean say no to that?

“I will,” Dean answers, honesty sounding clear in his voice. Castiel’s lips tilt up in a smile and spreads his legs-- an invitation.

Dean shuffles between Castiel’s legs and guides him to lay down on his back, all the while keeping their lips connected. He pops open the lid on the lube and squirts some of it out in his palm.

He braces himself over Castiel with one hand, moving the other to grasp both he and Castiel, swallowing the gasp that comes from Castiel. He hesitantly moves his hand up both of their shafts, moans erupting from both of them.

“Dean. I’m not going to last long,” Castiel gasps.

“Me either, baby. It’s okay.”

Dean moves his hand faster and feels Castiel’s fingers dig into his arm where they’ve been resting. He places a breathless kiss on Castiel’s lips and then leans his forehead against Castiel’s strong shoulder. Both of them gasp with every inhale, rocking their hips towards each other, the amount of friction both too much and not enough at the same time.

“Please, please, please,” Dean hears Castiel whisper, chanting it over and over again. Dean tightens his grip slightly, smirking against Castiel’s shoulder at the pleased shout that comes from the other man as he tilts his head back in ecstasy.

Dean moves his lips up to Castiel’s ear and whispers, “come for me, Cas.”

Judging from the pained whimper that Castiel makes, it was the right thing to say. He draws his face back just in time for Castiel to tip over the edge. His face contorts and his mouth falls open in a soundless scream as he comes, white strips coating both he and Dean’s chests.

The sight alone is enough to push Dean over the edge and soon he is groaning out his own orgasm, collapsing down on Castiel’s chest as he finishes. He feels strong arms wrap around him and fleetingly thinks that what they are doing counts as cuddling, but realizes he doesn’t care. Because the feeling of someone wrapped around him is worth feeling slightly unmasculine.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Dean notices when he wakes up is how comfortable he is. It feels like he is laying on a cloud, which is definitely not how his bed at home feels. The second thing he notices is the warmth pressed against his back and the arm wrapped around his midsection, neither of which he wants to complain about. 

He opens his eyes and immediately regrets the decision as bright light floods his vision, sending a sharp pain through his head, revealing a terrible headache. He groans, causing the warmth pressed against him to shuffle closer and bury it’s head against his back. 

He forces his eyes open again and looks around the room he is in, finding it white and modern and incredibly organized, minus the line of clothing that goes from the bed to the door. Well, that answers one of his questions. 

Attempting to answer the other, Dean turns his head so he can look at whoever is pressed against him. The tuft of dark hair that sticks up in all directions brings back a flood of memories. 

Castiel. 

At least Dean thinks that is what this guy’s name is. He was way too drunk last night to be certain, but for some reason it rings a bell. 

Dean rolls himself out of the bed, carefully removing Castiel’s arms from where they are wrapped around his waist. He swears that this guy must turn into an octopus when he falls asleep, judging by the way he was wrapped around Dean. Tiptoeing across the floor as quietly as he can, he walks out of the bedroom, following the line of clothes to what he assumes is the living room. 

He begins picking up his clothes and putting them on, preparing to leave, when a promise he made last night pops in his head. 

_ “I’ll be here in the morning.”  _ Why the hell did he promise that? That was a stupid, stupid thing to do, even for him. This was most definitely a one night stand, no matter how intimate the things they did last night were. 

Screw it. Dean throws his shoes on and slides his arms through the sleeves of his coat before walking through the huge apartment to the door. He looks through the rooms as he goes, somehow remembering the way from the night before. 

Each room is more extravagant than the next. Hell, one of the rooms even has a baby grand piano sitting in the corner looking like it was just bought the day before. He wonders briefly what this Castiel guy does, then remembers he said he worked at a hospital. He must be a doctor, or so Dean assumes. 

He opens the door quietly as possible, smirking when it doesn’t even creak. He sneaks out of the apartment and finds his way to the elevator. He joins a guy and a few kids and, judging from the glare the man gives him. He chuckles to himself and faces forward, stepping out immediately as the doors open on his floor. 

He is immediately taken aback by the largest lobby he has ever seen. And the fact that he lives in New York City should make it clear that he has seen many large lobbies before. But none of them had a huge crystal chandelier hanging from the glass ceiling, or white marble floors that look like they get replaced every time someone walks on them.

It makes him wonder how he managed to pick up a rich guy like Castiel. 

As he walks out of the huge glass doors, which were opened for him by a door man, he begins to feel guilty for ditching Castiel. If he remembers right, the guy was totally nice last night. He wasn’t rude at all and didn’t make Dean feel like he was talking to someone with a God-complex. 

Not to mention that the sex was good. Like, maybe the best Dean has had in a long time, or ever. Does he really want to give all that up? Yes, Dean realizes that Castiel was aware they were just having a one-night stand, but he did ask him to stay until the morning. Maybe he was interested in more. 

And no, that’s not what Dean had been looking for last night, but he really wouldn’t be too opposed to hangout with Castiel for a while longer. Could be fun. 

So, Dean decides that he will go back to the apartment, but then realizes that Castiel could be awake. He could know that Dean is gone and be pissed that he broke his promise. 

Luckily, he spots a little coffee shop across the street, making an easy alibi. He can just tell Castiel he went out to get some breakfast. Yea, that’s perfect. 

Dean brushes past the crowds of people that New York is notorious for. It used to freak him out how many people his arms would touch as he walked down the street, but now it doesn’t bother him. He actually feels comfortable here among the people. Less lonely. 

He crosses the street, making sure that none of the impatient drivers hit him as he does. That has always been a worry for him-- some of the people here drive like they’re crazy. 

The little coffee shop smells sweet and well, like coffee, as it should. He inhales deeply as he steps up to the counter. He doesn’t care if it’s girly or weird, but he loves the smell of coffee. He places his order and hopes that Castiel likes his coffee black, like Dean does. He knows a lot of people don’t, but he’s not up for the froofroo crap all in his coffee. It ruins the flavor. The only thing that can have that much sugar is pie, plain and simple. 

The guy that hands him his coffee and the two danishes that he ordered winks suggestively, and for some strange reason, it makes Dean feel uncomfortable. He smiles awkwardly and leaves the shop as quickly as he can. He decides to forgo the crosswalk, it’s pointless anyways. He can get to Castiel’s apartment much quicker if he just crosses right in front of the shop. 

He is hurrying across the street when he hears the tell tale sound of someone slamming on their brakes, causing their tires to squeal, when the world goes black. 

***

God damn, does his head hurt. 

That’s the first thought that runs through Dean’s mind when he comes into consciousness. He leaves his eyes closed, afraid that the light he can see behind his eyelids will make everything worse. 

There’s an incessant beeping that is making his head throb. The more he wakes up, the more he figures out. One, he’s in a hard bed with a something covering him. Two, his legs hurt like a son of a bitch. And three, the disgusting smell of ‘hospital’ is surrounding him. 

He opens his eyes as slowly as he can, and yep, he was right-- the light sends a pain shooting through his skull. “What the fuck?” he moans, his vision swimming and making him nauseous. He moves his head to the right and instantly regrets the decision when his stomach lurches. “Oh God.” 

Dean pushes himself up so he’s sitting as he feels vomit rising in the back of his throat. He thinks he’s about to throw up on himself when suddenly there’s a small pink bucket in front of his face, which he promptly grabs and gets sick into. He lets go of the bucket and it is pulled away, but he closes his eyes before he can see who took it. 

His head pounds as he sits back and a low moan sounds from the back of his throat as he rests against the pillows behind him. 

“At least you’re up,” a low and familiar voice says from beside him. In normal circumstances, Dean would’ve jumped at the unexpected words, but he can barely open his eyes to meet Castiel’s. “How are you feeling?” 

“What the hell happened?” Dean asks. “Why are you here? Where am I?” 

Castiel chuckles at his stream of questions, but nonetheless answers them in full, “You were in a car accident across the street from my apartment. Someone called an ambulance. I am your doctor, coincidentally. You are at Mount Sinai Hospital in Manhattan.” 

Dean tilts his head back and closes his eyes again, but quickly reopens them to say, “I didn’t leave, by the way. Well, I did, but just to get breakfast.” Castiel tilts his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows, obviously confused. “I made you a promise last night,” Dean explains. 

“Oh, yes. I remember. And don’t worry, I knew you got coffee. You had it spilled all over you when you came in,” Castiel says. Dean looks down at himself, expecting to find a coffee stain, but instead finds himself in a hospital gown. 

“Um, you guys could’ve left me in my clothes,” he says awkwardly, pulling the sheet up a little more. Castiel laughs and shakes his head. 

“Actually, and I wasn’t going to tell you this, to protect your masculinity, but you urinated on yourself when the car hit you.” Dean feels and instant blush rise to his face and he looks down at his hands. “Don’t be embarrassed. It happens to almost every car accident victim.” 

Dean glances up at him and for the first time realizes that Castiel is wearing a white coat with a name tag. 

“So, you actually are my doctor,” he says dumbly. Castiel nods, but his face gets instantly serious.

“Mr. Winchester-- Dean, there is something you need to know,” Castiel begins firmly. “You didn’t suffer any major injuries from the accident, just a headache and some bruised ribs. But, we did an MRI scan to check for internal bleeding. You didn’t have any, luckily, but we did find something else.”

Dean’s breathing quickens and he croaks out, “What?”

With a sigh, Castiel says, “Dean, we found a tumor in your brain. Specifically, it’s located in the  meningioma. I am so sorry.” 

Dean’s stomach drops and he feels himself getting sick again. He points to the bucket, which Castiel grabs quickly, and retches into it. His whole body shakes and he feels Castiel place a hand on his shoulder. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t leaning into the touch.  


	3. Chapter 3

Dean wipes his mouth for the third time in three minutes. Castiel can tell that he is in shock, but it’s not like he doesn’t have good reason. Honestly, Castiel thought he’d be in shock immediately after he woke up-- being hit by a car will do that to a person-- but apparently it takes being told he has cancer for Dean to hit that stage.

He hasn’t moved his hand from Dean’s shoulder since he sat it there. Judging by the fact that Dean is leaning into the touch, putting all of his weight on Castiel’s arm, he doesn’t mind. And Castiel doesn’t mind. He has seen so many patients go into shock, that this is one of the most relaxed reactions he’s seen. 

“Dean?” Castiel asks softly. Without moving his hand, he moves around Dean so he can look him directly in the eye. Dean’s eyes focus on nothing, though they stare straight at Castiel. He places his free hand on Dean’s jaw, attempting to get his attention. 

After a minute, Dean takes a deep breath and he meets Castiel’s gaze.

“Cancer, huh?” he whispers, his voice hoarse from getting sick into the bucket. Castiel nods and Dean’s eyelids flutter closed and a choked little sob works it’s way out of his throat. Despite having just met him the night before and planning to never see him again, Castiel’s heart breaks for Dean. 

Castiel’s voice comes out tight when he says, with extreme sincerity, “I’m sorry.” 

Dean sniffles and a tear runs down his cheek, which Castiel promptly wipes away. He realizes that his actions have been too intimate for a one night stand, let alone a doctor and their patient, but Dean has nobody else here to comfort him. Because of this, Castiel doesn’t stop Dean when he leans forward and presses his face into Castiel’s shoulder. 

Dean doesn’t stay like that long, quickly sitting up and wiping his cheeks. His face immediately shifts and he looks as if he is in shock. His eyes are dilated and his skin is shiny with sweat. Cautiously, Castiel walks forward and places a hand on Dean’s forehead. 

“You have a fever,” Castiel says, drawing his hand back. “You should lie back, try to breath calmly. It’s going to be okay.” Dean glances up at him, his eyes wild and his skin white as a sheet. He nods and leans back against the pillow, eyes still on Castiel, though they are unfocused. 

“How long do I have?” he asks in a quiet voice. Castiel swallows and looks down at the floor, hands clasping in front of his body. 

His voice firm, Castiel answers, “You’re not going to die. I’m not going to let that happen. You are going to talk to an oncologist who is going to help you plan a surgery to remove the tumor. Though, I must warn you, the surgery could fail or you could die on the table. This is the risk of all brain surgeries.” 

Dean laughs darkly and shakes his head, eyes fluttering shut. “So I guess I should live to the fullest then,” he says. His breath sounds labored, as if he’s trying not to cry again, but Castiel ignores it, for Dean’s sake. 

“I guess so.” 

The room falls silent as they both process the answer. The beeping of the heartbeat monitor fills the air, the pace quickening. Castiel looks over at the screen and frowns, curious as to why Dean’s heartbeat is going quickly. 

“Well then, doc, wanna go out sometime?” Dean asks, voice humorless. “I suggest we do it soon, I may be unavailable in the future.” 

Castiel turns to look at him sharply, eyes full of anger. Dean looks at him completely unfazed, making Castiel even more mad. He can not believe what he is hearing. He huffs sharply and turns, about to leave the room, but spins on his heel and walks straight up to the edge of Dean’s bed. 

He leans in, right next to Dean’s face, expecting him to cower back, which he doesn’t. Instead, he sits up straighter, as if he is going into battle or something. 

“That wasn’t funny,” Castiel growls. A tiny smirk plays on Dean’s lips, which just serves to piss Castiel off even more. “You don’t even care, do you? I knew you seemed cold last night, but after a few drinks you thawed. I guess it was just the alcohol.” 

Dean stares up at Castiel, the smirk dropping from his face and his eyes filling with anger. 

“Why the fuck do you care?” he asks. Castiel falters, stepping back. The room falls quiet again and both men deflate. “Why do you care?” Dean repeats, voice sounding defeated. “Nobody ever does, and I suggest you stop caring right now.” 

Castiel sighs and takes a seat in the chair next to Dean’s bed, the plastic cover squeaking obnoxiously. Neither laugh, though Castiel’s sure that if he were less upset, Dean would have. 

“I don’t know,” he answers quietly. “I shouldn’t. I’m your doctor, I shouldn’t become attached, but there’s something about you.”

His words hang in the air, making the room stuffy and uncomfortable. He goes to stand, deciding to make a hasty exit, but Dean stops him. 

“Will you?” he asks. Castiel furrows his brows in confusion, sitting back down. “Go out with me? Will you?” Castiel looks down at his hands and debates it in his head. Dean is sick, and they’ve already slept together. He could drop Dean as a patient, say that he has a conflict of interest and just admit to HR that they are dating. He’d have to lie and say that they were a thing before Dean came in, but it’s not really a lie.

His answer is quiet, “Yes, I’ll go out with you.” 

Dean’s smile is bright and before Castiel knows it, he’s smiling too. They stare at each other for a moment before Dean’s smile falls a little. He looks over at something in the corner and his eyes fill with unshed tears. 

“Can I ask you something else?” Dean asks, voice soft and sounding a little scared. 

Castiel nods, a little worried as to what Dean is going to ask. “So, I have to have a meeting with the oncologist, right?” he looks to Castiel for confirmation, which he gives with a nod. “I um-- I don’t really wanna go alone and I uh, don’t really have anyone to go with me and I was wondering if you--”

“Dean?” Castiel interrupts, “look at me.” Dean’s eyes drift up to meet Castiel’s, a tear running down his face. His eyes are scared, showing how vulnerable he actually is. “Of course I’ll go with you.” 

***

Dean finds himself in a stuffy office, sitting on an uncomfortably low chair, sitting next to his one night stand. Well, that is, until he asked him out. He’s not sure why he did it, but there’s something about Castiel. 

“Well, this is a surprise! Cassie, what are you doing here?” asks a British man when he walks in the room. Castiel stands up and shakes the guy’s hand, a rare smile gracing his lips. Usually, Dean’s noticed, Castiel smiles with his eyes only. Dean’s stomach does a somersault and the smile isn’t even aimed at him. 

Castiel looks back at Dean and his smile brightens slightly. Dean can tell he’s doing it to try and calm his nerves, though it’s not working. 

“Balthazar, this is my friend Dean Winchester. He is your new patient. Dean, this is Dr. Roche, your oncologist. He will be the one to walk you through your treatment,” Castiel says ignoring the question, taking a seat again. Balthazar-- Dr. Roche-- sits down behind his desk and slides on a pair of reading glasses. He skims over what Dean assumes is his file and a slight frown passes over his face. 

“Okay, Mr. Winchester. It looks like you have a tumor of the meninges compressing your spinal canal,” Dr. Roche says. Dean glances over at Castiel, the slight frown that passes over Castiel’s face making Dean nervous. 

“What does that mean?” he asks Castiel. Castiel looks over at him and smiles, but it comes out as more of a grimace. 

“Nothing to worry about,” Dr. Roche answers. “We can do surgery to remove it, as soon as the end of December. Or we could do chemo, though that would take longer and has more side effects. Surgery does have more risks and is invasive.” 

“I will not lie to you, Dean. The surgery could fail, or you could die on the table,” he continues. The room falls silent as Balthazar’s words sink in. Dean’s head begins pounding as if someone is beating his head with hammer. He feels Castiel’s hand land on his arm, squeezing slightly. 

“Dean?” Castiel says. Dean looks over at him and tries to smile, but fails. “You okay?”

“I’m okay, I just have headache,” Dean answers, leaning his head on his hand. He hears Dr. Roche clear his throat, so he glances up to look at him. 

Balthazar takes a deep breath before asking, “Do you have headaches often?” Dean nods hesitantly. “What about nausea? Any seizures?” 

“No, no seizures, no nausea. Why?” he asks carefully, looking at Castiel with concern. Castiel smiles encouragingly and takes Dean’s hand. It’s intimate and something actual couples would do, but Dean would be lying if he said it didn’t comfort him. 

“That is a side effect of your tumor. If you have any seizures, or vomit a lot, call me or go to the ER immediately. This is very important, Dean,” Dr. Roche says. Dean nods in consent, earning a smile from Dr. Roche. Castiel squeezes his hand. “So, I will give you a few days to make a decision on surgery or chemo. If you want surgery, then you will have to call me soon. And, odds are you’ll need to do a few rounds of chemo even after surgery.” 

Dean nods again, not trusting his voice to answer. Castiel squeezes his hand again before standing up. 

“Well, thank you Balth. Dean will call you soon,” Castiel says. If Dean weren’t in shock, he’d protest being spoken for, but he doesn’t mind Castiel doing it. It’s actually kind of nice, not having to speak and knowing that Castiel will do it all for him. “Goodbye, Balthazar.”

Dean hears Dr. Roche say something else, but it sounds as if he is underwater. Next thing he knows, Castiel is pulling his up from the chair and guiding him out of the office and into the hospital hallway. 

“Dean?” Castiel says, waving his free hand in front of Dean’s face. Dean looks up and blinks a few times, trying to focus on Castiel’s face. “Are you okay?” 

Dean laughs humorlessly and answers, “Not really. I guess we really do have to hurry up on the date thing, sounds like I don’t have much time.” Dean looks down at his feet, fighting back tears. Castiel walks forward and wraps his arms around Dean, pulling him close. 

Castiel rests Dean’s head on his shoulder and asks, “How’s tomorrow work?” 


	4. Chapter 4

*The Next Day*

“Fuck,” Castiel curses, pulling his shirt off for the fourth time in ten minutes, throwing it on the bed. He huffs angrily and crosses his arms in front of his chest. He glares at the pile of clothes on his bed, the evidence of his nervousness. 

He tried super casual, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He put on a button down instead, to make it a little nicer. Then added a tie to make is really nice. Tucked his shirt into his jeans. Ripped off the tie. Untucked the button down. Changed into a sweater. Back to the button down, and eventually just sat on his bed, shirtless and frustrated, for a good ten minutes. 

Five minutes later finds Castiel back in his blue button down, tucked in his jeans. He stares at his reflection in the mirror and attempts to fix his hair. He’s not sure why he’s trying-- it will be messed up the minute he steps out of the building. 

It’s stupid, really-- being so nervous for the date with Dean. Castiel knows it, but he can’t get rid of the butterflies in his stomach that insist on hanging around, making him feel sick. He and Dean have already slept together. He managed to attract Dean at the bar, but they were both under the influence. Maybe he looks more attractive when he’s drunk. 

He debates having a drink before Dean comes, but immediately decides against it. How would it look if he had to get drunk to go on a date? 

Pathetic. He’d look pathetic. 

Sighing, he steps away from the mirror, giving up on making his hair look orderly. It’s not like Dean will care. Or at least Castiel hopes he doesn’t. 

But what if he does? He could see Castiel’s messed up hair and decide that he looks ridiculous and he wants nothing to do with him. The thought sends Castiel into a tizzy and he turns back to the mirror and frantically brushes his hair to the side. 

A knock on the door pulls him out of his panic, sending him into a whole new round of worry. He rushes to the door and opens the door, revealing leaning against the doorframe. 

Castiel inhales sharply, the sight of Dean sending a spark of heat down his spine. He’s wearing dark jeans that sit low on his hips and are tight enough to distinctly outline his bow legs. A black leather jacket covers his green t-shirt that makes his eyes pop. 

Dean clears his throat, obviously noticing how Castiel checks him out. Castiel looks up quickly, his wide eyes landing on Dean’s. 

“Hi,” Dean says, smirking. Castiel feels a blush rise on his cheeks and steps into the apartment, gesturing for Dean to come in. Dean brushes past him intentionally, his shoulder touching Castiel’s chest, taking his breath away further. Castiel closes the door and hears Dean whistle. 

“What?” Castiel asks, turning around and stepping back when he comes face to face with a smirking Dean. 

Dean smiles appreciatively, looking up and down Castiel’s body. “You look really nice today,” he says. Castiel feels heat rising in his cheeks and looks away from Dean’s eyes. He can still feel Dean’s gaze on him and pointedly looks anywhere but Dean.  “I like you all flustered.”

“Dean,” Castiel says, but it comes out less scolding than he wanted it to. Instead, he sounds breathless and on the side of needy, which is not what he wants Dean to think at all. “Maybe we should take this slow. Treat it as a first date.”

Dean steps back, his smirk changing to a gentle smile. He nods slowly, but places a hand on Castiel’s hip. Castiel flinches, but says nothing when the hand stays put. 

“Anything you want, Cas,” Dean answers softly, almost tenderly. Castiel furrows his eyebrows and tilts his heads in confusion at the nickname and sees Dean’s realization of what he said. “Is it okay that I call you that? It kinda just slipped out, sorry.”

Castiel matches Dean’s smile and soft tone as he says, “It’s okay. I like it.” 

The room falls into comfortable silence as they stare at each other, something that is once again to intimate for their relationship status, but both fail to notice. 

“So, what are we doing tonight?” Castiel asks, breaking the silence. 

“Can’t tell ya that. It’s a surprise.” 

“Oh, the intrigue. That’s so very mysterious of you, Dean.” 

“Well, mysterious is my middle name.” 

***

The cold air stings Castiel’s nose as Dean leads him down a busy street, the destination still unknown. He can’t complain about the temperature though, not while Dean is holding his hand like they do this every day. He lets Dean guide him through the crowds and looks around, searching for something that could hint at where Dean is taking him. 

Dean pulls him down a dark alley and Castiel subconsciously tightens his grip on Dean’s hand. 

“You’re not an axe murderer or something, are you?” Castiel asks, his tone not as joking as he meant it to be. It’s not like Dean can blame him for being nervous-- he is leading him down a sketchy alley. This is one of the situations they warn you about on the news and tell you  _ not  _ to get into. 

Dean’s low chuckle echoes off of the brick walls creating the alley as he asks, “Well, I don’t see an axe anywhere, do you?” 

“Not funny,” Castiel grumbles, though his worries are appeased. 

“No, I’m not going to kill you. At least not today.” 

“That makes me feel better.” 

“C’mon Cas, you need to lighten up. And hey, we’re here,” Dean says as they emerge from the alley. He crosses the street, making a beeline for a little bar that looks rundown and abandoned. 

“This is where we are going?” Castiel asks skeptically. He eyes the small exterior of the building, not catching Dean’s offended glance. 

Pulling Castiel forward, Dean says, “You haven’t even given it a chance. You’ll love it once you’re inside.” 

The inside of the bar is different than Castiel expected. It’s extremely clean, which is unusual in the city. The lights are dimmed, but instead of creating a dreary atmosphere, it acts as mood lighting and errs on the side of romantic. And, the place is more like a little diner than a bar, something that Castiel appreciates. 

He picks up a menu and begins flipping through it as a blonde woman walks up to their table with a smile on her face. 

“Hiya, welcome to The Roadhouse, my na-- Dean! Hey, it’s good to see ya,” she says enthusiastically. She leans down and throws her arms around Dean who’s grinning ear to ear. “How’ve you been?”

“I’m great, as always,” Dean says, something Castiel knows is far from the truth. He obviously doesn’t say anything about the tumor, knowing damn well that it’s not his place. “Jo, this is my friend Cas. Cas, this is Jo, a family friend.” 

Castiel smiles shyly and offers his hand, which Jo ignores, going for a hug instead. “It’s so nice to meet you!” she says. Something in her tone throws Castiel off; it’s as if Dean’s never brought anyone into this bar before. 

Maybe he hasn’t. 

“So, what can I get you guys?” Jo asks, pulling away from Castiel after a long hug. She pulls out a notepad and schools her face into something more professional, as if she didn’t just hug both of them. “The usual Dean?” 

Dean nods, a smile on his face, and Jo turns to look at Castiel. “Um, I’ll have what he’s having?” 

Jo scribbles something down on her notepad before nodding with finality and turning around. The table falls to a comfortable silence as both men look over at each other, blushes rising on both of their cheeks for no reason. 

“So, what did I just order?” Castiel asks, a snicker coming from Dean. “Nothing bad, I hope.”

“A bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and a beer,” Dean answers with a smirk. 

Castiel’s eyes light up excitedly, “A cheeseburger?” Dean nods, a small smile gracing his face. “That’s my favorite.” 

Dean chuckles, his mouth opening to say something before his face scrunches up in pain. His eyes flutter closed and he rests his head in one hand.  

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Castiel asks, concerned. Dean shakes his head and a tiny groan sounds from the back of his throat. Castiel stands up and moves across the table, sitting next down next to Dean. He places a hand on Dean’s back and rubs small, soothing circles in between his shoulderblades. “It’s okay, just breath through it.” 

A small moan comes from Dean and he leans into Castiel’s touch. “Headache?” Cas asks quietly. Dean moves his head in a short nod, groaning again. “It’s probably a side effect. Just breath.” 

Jo comes with the food and sits it on the table with a question on her lips. Castiel shakes his head and thanks her for the food, telling her that Dean just has a headache. She nods hesitantly, but walks away anyways. 

Eventually, the tension runs out of Dean’s body and he moves his head from his hand to rest it on Castiel’s shoulder. Cas brushes a soft hand through Dean’s hair and smiles. 

“You feel better?” he asks, lightly pressing his lips to Dean’s forehead. 

“Yea,” Dean rasps. “Thanks.” 

“No problem. How about we eat?” Castiel pulls his beer and plate over from across the table and nudges Dean to scoot over. He pushes Dean’s food over so it sits in front of him and looks down at where Dean is still leaning against him. “Are you going to stay there?” 

“Yep.” 

Cas shrugs with one shoulder and picks up his burger with one hand. Grease runs down his arm and onto the plate, but he doesn’t mind. He takes a big bite and moans when the best burger he’s ever had hits his tongue. 

Dean sits up and looks at Castiel with wide eyes, his mouth open a little bit. 

“This is the best burger I’ve ever had,” Castiel offers as explanation. Dean nods a little, like he is a daze, before turning and eating a fry. He goes to pick up his beer and Cas grabs his wrist. “I’m not sure you should--” 

“Why not?” 

“Because, well, it could make your side effects worse,” Cas whispers. Dean sits down the beer with a thud and sighs somewhat sadly. “I’m sorry.” 

“Nah, don’t worry ‘bout it. It’s not your fault.” 

Castiel nods and pushes his beer across the table too and waves down Jo when she walks down again. 

“Can we get two cokes, please?” he asks. She eyes the two full beers on the table, but doesn’t say anything. She nods and brings the sodas nearly immediately. Castiel slides one over to Dena, who is looking at him with a weird expression. 

“Why aren’t you drinking your beer?” 

“Because it would be unfair to you.”

***

They walk out of the diner and into the cold air once again. Cas slides his hand into Dean’s and squeezes it slightly. Dean glances over and smiles shyly at him. 

“Wanna go for a walk?” Dean asks, looking pointedly at Bryant Park, which sits across the street. Castiel nods and begins walking in the direction of the crosswalk. “We can just walk across the street,” Dean laughs, pulling Cas towards the road.

“Considering that you ended up in a hospital doing just that, I suggest we use the crosswalk.” 

“Good point.” 

“One of many.” 

They cross the street with a crowd of people and walk into the park, both slowing to a leisurely pace. 

“So, tell me about yourself,” Dean says after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Castiel huffs a laugh and looks over at him, shaking his head. “What?” 

“There’s not a lot to tell.” 

Dean scoffs. “Now, I don’t believe that-- you’re incredibly hot, you’re a doctor, you live in a fancy ass apartment. There has to be at least one thing that’s interesting about you,” he says, stopping and facing Cas. 

Castiel shrugs, saying, “Not really.” 

“C’mon man, what about why you were at that bar on Thanksgiving?”

“Why were you at the bar on Thanksgiving?” Castiel counters. 

“You show me yours, I’ll show you mine.” 

“You’re really childish sometimes, ya know that?” Cas says, accepting defeat. He does want to know why Dean was there and why he seems to have nobody. “My family disowned me a few years ago.” 

Dean’s jaw drops slightly. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. They didn’t agree with my life choices and I wasn’t going to conform to their ideas, so they cut me off. I put myself through college, became a doctor, and here we are. I was at the bar because I had nowhere else to go.” 

An uncomfortable silence falls over them and Dean laces his cold hand through Cas’s. He leads Castiel through the park again. Castiel takes in the scenery, loving the sound of leaves crunching under his feet.

They walk past a small band playing soft music and Dean stops suddenly. He turns to look at Cas and holds his hand out, looking down at his feet. He takes a deep breath before making eye contact with Castiel, a small smile playing on his lips. 

“Wanna dance?” he asks. Castiel’s mouth falls open slightly and he just stands and stares for a moment before his brain realizes what Dean just said. 

“Um, yea,” he answers, cursing himself for sounding so stupid. Castiel slides his hand into Dean’s, allowing himself to be pulled forward, closer to Dean. Dean’s other hand rests on his hip and Castiel feels a blush rise into his cheeks. He steps a little bit closer, close enough that he can feel Dean’s warm breath on his skin, and places his free hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

Dean slowly guides them in a small circle, swaying to the beat. He sets a good, steady pace, and the two dance in silence for a few minutes, both of them enjoying being close to the other. Castiel sighs contentedly and rests his head on Dean’s shoulder without thinking of how intimate the action is. 

Castiel feels Dean move his hand from his hip to the small of his back, pulling him even closer. It’s nice. Being so close to someone. Castiel realizes as he slides his hand to the back of Dean’s neck that he hasn’t been so close to another person in-- well, years. 

Right now, being here with Dean, Castiel can’t think of anywhere better. He doesn’t want this moment to end. He runs his fingers up into Dean’s hair and hears Dean sigh happily. The action suddenly has Castiel remembering how Dean was the night they met. Every time Castiel touched his hair, Dean gasped or sighed. He remembers how when he tugged on Dean’s hair, Dean came almost instantaneously. 

Castiel huffs a laugh, understanding how important the information could become later. He hopes it becomes important later. But he will not pressure Dean to have sex. Castiel isn’t even sure if Dean would want to do that again, let alone if he should be doing it with the tumor. 

He makes a mental note to ask Balthazar if it is okay patients to have sex. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Dean whispers into his ear, jolting him from his thoughts. Castiel flushes as Dean places a soft kiss to the knob of his jaw. 

“Nothing important. Just work,” Castiel answers, already knowing how ridiculous that answer sounds. 

A low chuckle sounds in Dean’s throat. “You were thinking about work while dancing with me? I must be boring,” he teases. 

Castiel shakes his head insistently, but from the sounds of Dean’s laughter, he was only teasing. Cas removes his hand from where it is still resting in Dean’s and moves it so it joins the other one at the back of Dean’s head. 

He pulls his head back to he is looking Dean directly in the eye. As he slides his fingers through Dean’s hair, he can see Dean’s eyelids flutter closed. He smiles, confirming his earlier thought. Slowly, Dean rests his forehead on Castiel’s, eyes once again open. 

They stay like that for a long while, neither wanting to break the peaceful trance that they’ve been put into. But, when Dean’s face crumples in pain like it did at the diner, Castiel quickly pulls himself away from Dean and drags him to one of the park benches. 

Dean moans quietly under his breath and leans on Cas’s shoulder. Castiel wraps an arm around him and rubs small circles into Dean’s back, making ‘shushing’ sounds in attempt to soothe Dean.

“It’s okay, just breath,” he says, watching as Dean sits forward and rests his head on his hands. “It’ll go away, just give it a minute.” 

Groaning, Dean takes a deep breath, his back rising with the inhale. Cas places a soft kiss to the back of Dean’s neck, unable to stop himself. 

“Cas?” he hears Dean whisper. Castiel makes a small, questioning sound, so Dean continues. “Can you take me home? I think I need to lay down.” 


	5. Chapter 5

Three days later, the sound of Castiel’s phone ringing wakes him up, causing a groan to sound from the back of his throat. “What?” he moans, rolling over from where he had been sleeping in the middle of the bed. He picks up the phone and slides his thumb clumsily across the screen. He pulls it up to his ear. “‘Ello?” 

“Cas?” a deep voice asks from the other side of the phone. The voice sounds familiar, where has Castiel he-- “it’s Dean.”

Oh. Dean. Okay. 

Cas hasn’t heard from Dean since he took him home after their date. When Dean had said he needed to lie down, Castiel had hailed a cab and gotten Dean home. He had made sure Dean was in bed, then left as soon as Dean had fallen asleep. He wanted to stay the night, in case Dean needed something, but Dean had assured him he’d call if he needed anything. 

Apparently, he didn’t. 

Castiel sits up and pushes himself against the headboard, suddenly alert. “Dean, hello. What can I do for you?” he asks. Thoughts whirl around his head, ones that have Castiel feeling sick. What if Dean’s symptoms are worse? What if he had a seizure or passed out? Oh God, he could be seriously hurt. 

“Um, I was just wondering-- um, are you free later this afternoon?” Dean asks, his voice laced with nervousness. “Not for a, uh, date. But, I have an-- an oncologist appointment today and I don’t wanna go alone.” Castiel feels his heart break and goes to interrupt, but Dean continues, “I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have to, I know doctors have busy schedules, but I don’t have anybody-”

“Of course I’ll come with you Dean.”

“Really?” Dean asks quietly, a long sigh following the word. Castiel can practically hear Dean deflate and he smiles. Dean truly thought Cas would say no. “I had a big, long speech about convincing you to come, but you’ll really come with me?” 

Castiel chuckles, “Yes, I’ll come. Anytime, actually. I’m here whenever you need me.” 

He means it. He thought long and hard about Dean and the situation he’s in, and Castiel has decided that he will be whatever Dean needs. He has nobody as a support system and Cas knows that cancer patients  _ need  _ a support system to get through surgery, or chemo, or whatever the procedure is for them. 

So, since Dean seemingly has no family, Castiel will become his family. He’s called the hospital and told them that he might need to take time off on short notices, which they were okay with. He’s saved up a lot of paid time off, so they really couldn’t complain. 

“Thank you,” Dean whispers through the phone. 

“I’ll see you later today.” 

***

At three o’clock sharp Castiel walks down to the oncology department where he finds Dean sitting in a plastic chair outside of Balthazar’s office. Dean is sweating and fidgeting his leg enough that it’s causing his whole body to bounce slightly.

Slowly, as if approaching a spooked animal, Castiel walks up to Dean and sits down in the chair next to him. He places a hand on Dean’s bouncing leg, stilling it immediately. 

“How are you feeling?” Castiel asks, turning his body to face Dean. Dean shakes his head frantically, looking over at Castiel with wide eyes. “It’ll be okay. No need to be nervous, Balthazar is just going to discuss treatment plans and go over everything you discussed last time, again.” 

Dean nods, but looks like he’s about to cry. Castiel shushes him and moves so he’s kneeling in front of Dean. He takes both of Dean’s hands and finds them shaking, so he squeezes them tightly to still them. 

“Hey, it’ll be okay. I’m here for you,” Cas says. He brings Dean’s hands up to his mouth and places a soft kiss on his wrist, ignoring the intimacy of the action, but gets Dean to look at him. He smiles up at him and gets one back. 

“Thank you, Cas. I-- I don’t think I could get through this alone.” 

Cas nods just as the door to Balthazar’s door opens. He stands to greet him, offering his hand to Balthazar. 

“Cassie! I didn’t expect to find you here again,” Balthazar says, a knowing smile falling over his face. “Mr. Winchester? Are you ready?” 

Dean nods and stands, swaying a little. Castiel places a steadying arm on Dean’s back and leads him to the office. He pulls him into the tiny room and nudges him gently to sit him down in one of the office chairs. Dean sits down with a plop and slowly looks up at Cas, who smiles down at him. 

“It’s going to be okay, Dean. This meeting is going to be painless,” Cas whispers to him, acting as if Balthazar isn’t in the room with them. He moves to sit next to Dean before turning to Balthazar. “I think Dean is a little nervous about the meeting, so maybe if you could just take things slow.” 

Balthazar nods and smiles at Dean with dazzling professionalism, something Castiel knows they teach at school. “So, Mr. Winchester, what are you nervous about? Surely it can’t be about me, I think I’m rather relaxing to be around,” he says. Castiel huffs a laugh, knowing damn well that being around Balth is anything but relaxing. 

Dean glances up, looking a little less nervous. He takes a deep breath before saying, “I’ve decided I want to do the surgery.” Oh, cutting straight to chase. Well, Castiel has to admit, Dean is brave. Balthazar folds his hands on his desk and his face falls into a grim expression. The atmosphere in the office becomes suffocating and Cas feels Dean’s worry coming off of him in waves.

“If that is what you’ve decided, that is what we will do,” Balthazar says. Dean swallows with a click and nods. Balthazar looks down at the calendar on his desk and frowns. “I suggest we do it as soon as possible. The quickest I can do it is December twenty-seventh.” 

Castiel feels his eyes widen and he looks over at Dean, who looks like Cas feels. 

“Okay, we’ll do it then.” 

“Excellent. Now, have you had any new symptoms pop up in the past few days?” Balthazar asks, writing something on the calendar. Dean fidgets uncomfortably, drawing both Cas and Balthazar’s gazes. “Dean? I need to know if you have, so I know how quickly the tumor is progressing.” 

Dean clears his throat before whispering, “I uh-- I had a seizure the other day, at least I think I did? I woke up on the floor, I think I blacked out.” 

Balthazar scribbles something down on a notepad, leaving Castiel to freak out on his own. 

“What do you mean you had a seizure? You didn’t tell me?” Castiel says, his voice growing louder with each word. “Oh my god, Dean! You should have called me, I could’ve come over to help you!” 

Dean looks at Cas with wide eyes like Castiel is absolutely crazy. “I should’ve called? Cas, we barely knew each other! It was the day after the accident, you were just a one night stand, which, might I add, you still are. We’ve only gone out once, we’re not married!”

“No, but I told you I’d be here for you! To call me if you needed anything! I need to know if you’re okay.”

“Why? Why the fuck do you need to know?”

“Because I care about you! We are more than a one night stand now, like it or not. I’m your friend, Dean! If I’m going to be here, you need to tell me if you black out, or have a seizure, or even cough funny!” 

“Well you shouldn’t care about me! I’m a terrible friend to have, Cas! I could die by the end of the month and I don’t want to drag you through that. You should just fucking leave!”

The room falls silent, a massive change from the screaming. The sound of both men breathing heavily are the only sounds to be heard. Tension falls over them, making it stuffy and uncomfortable. Cas looks over at Balthazar, who is looking at him with a surprised expression. Castiel shakes his head minutely, silently begging Balthazar not to say anything. 

Cas takes a deep breath before answering quietly, “No.” 

Dean’s head whips around so he’s facing Cas, his face contorted with anger and frustration that seeps off of him. “What do you mean ‘no’?” Dean asks, his voice cold in a way that Castiel hasn’t heard before. 

“I mean,” Castiel begins, his voice firm, “I’m not leaving. You need someone right now and at the moment, I’m all you’ve got. You can push me away all you want-- you can yell at me until your face is blue, but I’m not going to leave you to deal with this on your own. You may think that caring is going to get me hurt, but it’ll hurt worse leaving a friend alone in their time of need.” 

The room once again goes silent as Castiel’s words sink in for Dean. His face changes to a puzzles expression, like Castiel is speaking a foreign language. Then, all at once, Dean deflates. All of the air is visibly pushed from his lungs with a sigh and he falls forward, resting his head in his hands. 

Quiet sniffles fill the air and Cas sees Dean’s shoulders shaking with silent sobs. He gets up and places a hand on Dean’s back, rubbing small circles to sooth him. Cas walks around to face Dean, standing with his back to Balthazar. He kneels so he’s once again crouched in front of Dean. 

He places his free hand on the side of Dean’s face, gently guiding Dean to look at him. Tears run down Dean’s cheeks and his eyes are watery and red rimmed as they look at Cas. Dean sniffles and a sob works it’s way out of Dean’s throat, shaking his whole frame. 

“Shhh,” Castiel whispers, running his thumb across Dean’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “It’s going to be okay, Dean. You’ve got people here for you, you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again. Balthazar is going to take good care of you and I’m going to be here for you, I promise.” 

Dean sniffles, leaning into Castiel’s hand and shutting his eyes. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispers, “I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean to get pissed.” 

Having forgotten he was there, both men jump when Balthazar chimes in with a know-it-all tone in his voice, “That’s a side effect, I’m afraid-- mood swings, irrational anger, etcetera. Would you like me to write up all of the side effects you are prone to?” 

Dean nods, sniffling once more. Castiel begins to stand up, placing a barely-there kiss on Dean’s forehead as he passes it. He knows the extent of their relationship and that some of his actions may be crossing the line between friendship and lover, but he feels like he and Dean aren’t exactly platonic. 

Considering they’ve slept together and gone out on a date, he’d say he could be pretty sure that they’re not platonic. And Dean’s not said anything about the kisses or touches, so, until he does, Castiel will continue to give them. 

There’s something about Dean that Castiel can’t resist. He can’t keep his hands off of him and every time they touch it seems like there is electricity passing through him. It’s addictive and dangerous and Castiel can’t help stop himself from touching Dean every chance he gets. 

It’s like a disease, and Castiel is scared to admit that he likes it. 

Castiel hears Balthazar writing something down on a piece of paper, tearing it off when he’s done. 

“Here you go, Dean. I’ve written every side effect I can think of. If you have any questions, feel free to call,” Balthazar says, handing Dean a piece of folded notebook paper. “If you don’t need me beforehand, I’ll see you on December twenty-seventh.”


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel walks out of the OR and pulls of his scrub cap, his unstyled hair falling onto his forehead. He runs a hand through it, grimacing when his fingers slide through sweat. The surgery wasn’t hard, just a routine hip replacement, but he still feels tired after performing it.

Well, the surgery wasn’t ‘routine’. As Cas always says, ‘no surgery is routine.’ Which it’s not-- having someone cut open a piece of your body is not a normal thing. But, this particular surgery does happen often for Castiel, so he finds it rather easy. He doesn’t go on autopilot of course, no matter what the surgery is he always stays focused, but he does find his mind wandering off during other parts of his day. 

It always winds up in the same place, too; what is Dean up to today? 

The question has followed Castiel around for three days, ever since he saw Dean last. He wishes he could just call him up and ask, but things were tense between last time they talked. They’d both forgiven the other for yelling, but it still was awkward. Cas just hopes that the awkwardness wears off. 

Dean makes him feel different than anyone else ever has. He makes him want  _ more _ . 

Castiel scrubs his hands, getting the nonexistent dirt from the surgery off of them. He grabs a couple of paper towels to dry his hands off and then heads out of the scrub room, emerging in the pristine white hallway of the hospital. 

He finds the family of the hip replacement patient, as he is to do after every surgery. “The surgery went well,” he says to them, proceeding to give all of the innate details families always want to know about the surgery-- how long did it take all together? Is everything better now? Will there need to be another surgery? 

Once the family has been informed that the surgery went exactly as planned, Castiel walks back to his small office, his mind on Dean as he does. He wonders if Dean is feeling okay, if he has had another seizure. 

He hadn’t meant to get so upset when Dean told Balth about the seizure, it’s just-- well, Castiel hoped that Dean would share that stuff with him. Dean did have a point when he said they weren’t very serious, but Cas  _ is _ a doctor. He could help Dean if he ever had a health issue. No, cancer isn’t his specialty, but he does know the basics. 

And anyways, seizures are big deals. Castiel told Dean to call him if he needed anything, which, okay, maybe Dean didn’t need anything, but he still could’ve called to let him know that he’d blacked out. At least call and tell Cas that he didn’t feel well. 

Something, at least.

Pulling out his cell phone, Castiel decides he needs to call Dean and just get some of his questions answered. But, what does he say? 

‘How are you?’ No. Too formal. 

‘What are you doing today?’ Absolutely not. Too intrusive. 

‘What’s up?’ Too immature and informal. 

The phone in Castiel’s hand begins ringing and he looks down at it, seeing Dean’s name flash across the screen. He answers it, panicking internally. “Hello?” he asks, his voice coming out shaky and unsure. He mentally curses himself, hoping that Dean doesn’t somehow sense how nervous he is. He hears Dean chuckle under his breath and assumes that he did. 

“Hey Cas, what’s up?” Dean asks from the other side. The sound of his voice instantly makes Castiel smile and sends electricity down his spin. Castiel pulls his desk chair out and takes a seat, groaning quietly from the stiffness in his back. After a long surgery, Castiel’s body tenses up and it takes a while to relax. 

Smile evident in his voice despite his discomfort, Castiel answers, “I just got out of a surgery. What about you?” 

There’s rustling on the other side of the line and some muffled voices. Castiel strains his ears to understand them, but can’t catch anything intelligible. 

“I’m at a coffee shop,” Dean says, which explains all of the noises in the background. “Sorry, it’s really busy here today. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. What kind of surgery did you do?” 

Sighing and spinning himself in the desk chair slightly, Castiel says, “A hip replacement. It went as planned, no problems. Hey, Dean?” 

“Yes?” 

“Are you free tonight?” 

There’s a pause on the other line and Castiel almost attempts to take it back, but nonetheless Dean answers, “Yea Cas, I’m free. What did you have in mind?” 

Another smile threatens to split Castiel’s face as he answers, “I was thinking I could make you dinner at my place, if that’s okay with you?” 

“That sounds perfect.” 

***

When the doorbell rings, Castiel is running around the kitchen, his gray button-up half done and his jeans unzipped. He curses and quickly buttons his shirt, bumping into a pan on the way to the door. It makes a loud crash when it hits the ground and he curses again, throwing open the door to reveal a smirking Dean. 

He smiles, but when Dean looks down at Castiel’s crotch, immediately frowns and looks down. He sees that he forgot to zip his jeans and zips them quickly, shouting, “Fuck!”

“Well, hello to you too,” Dean laughs. He walks into the apartment, following a blushing Castiel. He walks up behind Cas, who stops at stove to stir his homemade tomato sauce. Dean places his hands on Cas’ hips and leans his head on Cas’ shoulder, saying, “It smells good in here, Cas.” 

Castiel feels his heart skip and, embarrassingly, his dick twitch in his pants from Dean’s closeness. He can feel Dean’s body heat on his back and the slight warmth of Dean’s breath on his skin. His breath hitches in his throat and he nearly drops the spoon he’s holding. 

Stirring the soup adamantly, Castiel says, “Thank you. Uh, dinner-- dinner will be ready in a minute.” He hears Dean chuckle behind him  and rolls his eyes. 

“Something bothering you?” 

“Nope.”

Dean moves closer, pressing his body up against Cas’ so there isn’t any room between them. “You sure?” he whispers directly in Castiel’s ear. Dean wraps his arms around Cas again and hugs him, releasing him and stepping away after he’s done hugging him. “Sorry, I’m not sure if that was okay.”

Castiel turns around and slides his arms around Dean, this time so they’re face to face. He hears Dean inhale and smiles. Cas rests his head on Dean’s shoulder for a moment, whispering, “It was okay.” He slowly pulls his arms from around Dean and turns back around to stir the sauce again. 

“Good, uh-- so how’s your week been?” 

“It’s been boring. I’ve had some pretty long surgeries lately, my body is stiff as hell. Sorry, you don’t need to hear my problems,” Cas laughs lightly. 

“No, I wanna hear about your problems. I wanna know everything.”

***

Dinner is amazing, Dean has to admit that. He has never had lasagna that is so cheesy and perfect and the sauce, oh my god. Dean is in heaven. He tells Castiel that too, and earns a gummy smile that makes Dean feel like it’s Christmas morning. 

It’s a scary feeling, being around Castiel. It’s like falling and flying and sinking all at the same time. It’s terrifying. It’s intense. Dean has never felt like this before. He is torn between wanting to run from Cas and pulling him close and never letting him go. It’s electric, it feels like possibility and Dean hates it. He doesn’t want it, he never wants to feel this way again.

But, there’s the light at the end of the tunnel. And that light, the beautiful, bright light that feels like it’s pulling Dean out of hell-- is Cas. As cheesy as it is, Castiel is Dean’s redemption. He’s freedom and hope, he’s all things good in the world, including pie. 

As this realization hits Dean, Cas is talking about a surgery he performed today. Dean, having been zoned out, asks, “Huh? Sorry, I just-- zoned out a little. It’s been a really long day.”

Castiel laughs and waves him off, “It’s okay, I just explained how to do a hip replacement. It was trivial, boring information and I was babbling, so don’t worry about it.” 

Dean looks down sheepishly and blushes, making Castiel laugh again. He stands, earning a curious look from Dean. He smiles and then winks, grabbing Dean’s empty plate and taking it to the sink. When he comes back in, Dean almost passes out from what he sees. 

“Pie?” he asks excitedly, sitting up straighter. Castiel smiles again, a rare thing from him, before placing a steaming pie in the middle of the table. Castiel cuts a large slice of what looks like apple pie, then places it in front of Dean. Dean takes a big bite and stuffs it in his mouth, making a pornographic sound when the taste of apples and cinnamon hits his tongue. 

“Oh my god,” he moans, his eyes falling shut. “Cas, this is fucking amazing.” 

He glances over at Castiel, who is staring at him with wide eyes, his lips slightly parted. Dean sees Castiel’s throat bob around a swallow and feels a blush rise up his chest. Castiel clears his throat and looks down at his own pie like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. 

Oh. 

“I’m glad you like it,” Castiel finally says, his voice deeper than usual. “I remember you saying on our date that you loved pie and my grandma used to make this recipe, which I remembered, so I thought I’d give it a try.” 

Dean smiles at Castiel’s babbling and takes another large bite of pie with gusto, simply to show how much he likes it. Castiel smiles, the blush in his cheeks fading, and takes a bite of his own pie. 

*** 

“So, your grandma used to make that?” Dean asks Cas once he’s practically licked his plate clean. 

“Yes, she’d make it when my siblings and I went over to her house. We went over there a lot, my parents didn’t like to have us around very much.”

“I’m sorry, that must have sucked.” 

“It did. My mother was busy with her work and got annoyed of us rather easily and my father-- well, he invented the term ‘absent father’. He enjoyed travelling and being as far away from his family as he could be,” Castiel says, his voice cold. “Now, I rarely ever see my siblings and my parents have disowned me. What about your family? If you don’t mind my asking, that is.” 

Dean sighs and a heavy silence comes over them, the atmosphere taking a turn. Dean hoped that they could hold off on talking about their families, but apparently not. Taking a big gulp of his beer, Dean breaks the silence by saying, “Well, there’s not much to say about my mom-- they died when I was eight years old. Car accident. It was quick, painless.”

“My dad didn’t take it too well-- became a drunk with no job. I took care of Sam, my brother. I made sure he got food every day, had good clothes, and anything else he needed for school to avoid being picked on. He wasn’t the biggest kid, so I worried about him being bullied. But you should see him now! He’s huge, like sasquatch,” Dean chuckles. He sighs again and takes another drink of beer, loving how the cold feels going down the back of his throat. 

Cas reaches over and places a hand on Dean’s where it lies in a fist on the table. He feels Castiel squeeze slightly, grounding him like an anchor keeping him afloat. 

Suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch, Dean’s head begins throbbing. He winces and puts his head in his hand, his eyes shutting automatically. He feels tired and like he’s going to throw up, which he definitely doesn’t want to do. His whole body sways left to right and he fears he is going to fall over, or pass out. 

Something grips his arm tightly, stopping the swaying, a good thing for Dean’s nausea. He breathes deeply through his nose, willing the dizziness away. He hears a voice and thinks distantly that it’s Castiel talking to him. Moaning, he leans into the hand on his shoulder. 

He opens his eyes and immediately regrets it as the room begins spinning. “Oh god,” he groans, shutting his eyes tightly and putting his hand over his mouth like it will stop him from getting sick. 

“Dean?” he hears Cas say, but it sounds like he’s far away. “Dean, just breath. It’ll pass, just breath in through your nose, out through your mouth.” 

He takes Cas’ advice, despite the words sounding mumbled, and inhales deeply. He holds the breath in for a moment, slowly releasing it out of his mouth. The nausea instantly lessens and the room begins spinning slower. He takes a few more breaths, managing to keep himself from vomiting. 

“Shhhh, it’s okay,” Castiel says quietly. At that, Dean realizes he’s been making a very low moan the entire time, instantly shutting himself up. “Has that happened before?” 

Dean nods, which causes the room begin to spin again. Ignoring it, he says, “Yea, only a few times.” He hears Castiel huff angrily, but the other man says nothing. “Can we go sit on the couch or something? I think I need to lie down.” 

“Of course,” Cas says quickly. He stands and offers Dean his hand, which Dean stubbornly refuses. Shaking his head, Cas leads Dean into a very large, very clean, living room. The floors are the same dark hardwood that go through the entire apartment, accompanied by white walls and white furniture. 

Castiel guides Dean to sit down on the plush white couch that sits facing a pristine black piano, something Dean had missed the first time he was here. 

“Can you play?” he asks, nodding in the direction of the piano. Castiel nods, placing a pillow under Dean’s head and grabbing a fuzzy white throw blanket off of the back of the couch to toss over Dean’s body. “Will you?” 

Castiel pauses tucking Dean into the blanket, considering Dean’s request. After a long minute, Castiel looks at Dean and nods, resuming his tucking. Dean waits patiently, quietly, for Cas to walk over to the piano and open the lid to the keys. 

Long fingers run over the pristine ivory keys, looking as if they belong there. Then, slowly, as if they’re unsure of the next move, Castiel’s graceful fingers begin playing a soft, lilting tune on the piano. The music slowly builds more complex and Castiel becomes more relaxed. Dean can’t help but stare-- Castiel looks like he was made to sit in that very spot, be in this very moment. 

The melody mixes with the harmony creating something that sounds angelic, so beautiful that Dean’s not sure he has a right to hear it. It sounds innocent and loving and caring, things Dean had no idea could be conveyed through music. It fills him with joy and warms his heart with a terrifying emotion that he definitely should not be feeling so soon. 

The breathtaking music goes on and on, filling the apartment with it’s beauty and slowly causing Dean to fall asleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

When Castiel answered his phone, he did not expect to hear his brother’s voice on the other end. That was never something he thought he’d hear again.

“Cassie? How’s it hanging, little bro?” Gabriel asks, practically screaming in the phone. Castiel freezes, standing in the hallway with a stunned expression on his face. He’s sure he looks crazy, looking around frantically, like he could see where Gabe is.

“Wh- Gabriel?” There’s a snicker from the other end of the line. Rolling his eyes, Castiel resumes walking, quickening his pace in the direction of his office. “Why are you calling me? I thought the whole family was on mother’s side in the disownment.”

“Oh please, like I would ever go with something mom thought up, especially something like that,” Gabe says, bitterness laced in his tone. “How’ve you been, bro?”

Castiel shrugs, then remembers that Gabe can’t see him. “I’m good. I uh-- I’m a doctor. An orthopedist. I live in the city, which is nice.”

“Do you have a boyfriend,” Gabe asks quietly, knowing that this is a touchy subject. Castiel rolls his eyes and sighs, Dean immediately coming to mind. He shakes his head at himself.

His voice clipped, Cas answers, “No. Is that why you called, to see if I’m still gay so you can report back to the family that I’m the devil?”

“God, no Cas. You know I don’t give a shit about who you decide to-- you know, do. I’m calling because our dear old dad kicked the bucket last night.”

It takes a moment for Gabe’s words to sink in, but when the do Castiel’s knees buckle and he flops back into his desk chair, a loud ‘whoosh’ sounding as he hits the seat. He sighs and hears Gabe do the same. The line falls silent as Castiel processes the information.

“So, he’s dead?” Cas asks, his voice deflated, more from shock than sadness.

“Yea, that’s the word.”

The line falls silent again and Cas sits back against the chair, his mind reeling. He can’t believe that father is actually dead. It’s not going to change much, he’s not seen his dad in six years, but he feels like he _should_ be upset. Like, when your dad dies, you have to feel sad because he’s your dad. It’s just the natural order.

Which leads Cas to feel guilty, because he isn’t sad or upset. At all, if he’s being honest.

“The funeral is on Monday in Cape Vincent,” Gabe says.

“And?”

“And I think you should be there.”

“No way. Absolutely not.”

Castiel hears Gabriel huff and can tell that his brother is getting upset. Something that Cas vividly remembers about living with Gabe is that he gets angry quickly. And when he gets angry, things get ugly. There was one time when Castiel pissed Gabe off so badly he ended up getting woken up the next morning by fifty alarm clocks. He had sat up quickly and got a face full of whipped cream, courtesy of Gabriel.

“Castiel, I need you to come,” Gabe says with urgency, “I may have promised mom I could convince you to show up.”

“Why on Earth would you do that?” Cas says, his voice tight.

“She made it sound like it was life or death, you showing up! What was I supposed to do? Please come, Cas. For me. You don’t even have to talk to anybody and you can bring someone with you!”

Castiel sighs, hearing Gabe’s desperation. Lord knows why he wants Castiel to be there so badly. Taking a deep breath, knowing that he’s going to regret this, Castiel answers, “Okay.”

***

Castiel is lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling and feeling defeated, when someone knocks on his door, three distinct times. He rolls his eyes, choosing to ignore whoever it is. He’s had a hell of a day already, he doesn’t need to see more people. But then the person knocks again. And again.

Groaning, Castiel pushes himself up off the couch and hobbles over to the door. He swings it open and is surprised to see Dean on the other side. “Hello,” he says, shock clear in his voice. Dean smiles timidly, looking down at the floor. A pink blush rises on his cheeks and Cas can’t help but think how much the color suits Dean.

“Hi Cas,” Dean says. Castiel steps into the apartment and gestures for Dean to come in. “Thanks.”

Dean immediately walks into the living room and takes a seat on the couch, making himself at home. Castiel can’t help the butterflies in his stomach at the fact that Dean feels comfortable here, in Cas’s house.

“How can I help you?” Cas asks. Dean shrugs, settling back onto the cushion. Castiel takes a seat next to Dean, closer than needed, but Dean doesn’t seem to mind and Cas definitely doesn’t. On the contrary; the brush of their legs sends sparks through him and he wonders if Dean is feeling the same thing.

“I was just bored, so I thought I’d come see if you were home, which you are. How was your day?” Dean asks. He looks over at Castiel with a surprised expression when the question elicits a groan from Cas. “That bad?”

Chuckling darkly, Cas answers, “I found out that my father-- he uh, died, last night.”

Dean inhales sharply and turns his body so he’s facing Castiel fully. “Oh my god, I’m sorry,” he says, the words coming out on an exhale. He reaches forward and wraps his arms around Cas, pulling him in for a hug.

“It’s okay, I was never close with him. The funeral is on Monday and I am not looking forward to going alone, is all,” Castiel explains, wrapping his arms around Dean as well. He rests his head on Dean’s shoulder and feels Dean copy the action so they’re sitting there holding each other.

“Um, I could-- if you wanted, I could uh, come with you. If, ya know, you want someone to go with you,” Dean says, his voice timid. Castiel sits back sharply to look Dean in the eye.

“You’re serious?” he asks, voice incredulous. Dean nods, looking anywhere but Castiel. Cas throws his arms around him and pulls him back in for a bone crushing hug. “Thank you,” Cas whispers.

***

After a long discussion that ended with Dean nearly in tears from fear, they decide to drive to Cape Vincent instead of flying. Castiel had insisted that he would buy the tickets, they would fly the short distance to Cape Vincent on Monday morning, then fly back immediately after the funeral. Castiel had acknowledged that they would need Balthazar’s okay on the flying-- he’s not sure if Dean is allowed to or not.

Despite the offer of a free ticket, Dean was adamant that he would drive them. It didn’t take Cas long to put together the pieces-- Dean is afraid of flying.

So, Cas finds himself at a parking garage the next night walking next to Dean who is practically jumping up and down with excitement.

“Just wait until you see her, Cas. You’re gonna love her, I know it,” he says, his pace quickening. “I haven’t had a chance to drive her in a while, so I’m not sure how much gas is in the tank, so we may have to stop.”

“That’s okay.”

Dean stops for a quick second as they turn a corner in the parking garage, then practically sprints over to a shiny, black, classic car. Dean runs an adoring hand over the hood and pulls a set of keys out of his pocket, unlocking the door.

“Hey Baby, miss me?” he says, awe and happiness lighting up his voice. He glances over at Cas with a twinkle in his eye. “Cas, this is my baby.”

Castiel walks forward so he’s standing next to the passenger side door.

“She’s beautiful, Dean. Where’d you get her?”

Dean’s grin dims and he answers, “She was my dad’s. When he, uh, passed away, I got her. He’d promised a long time ago and put it in his will, I guess.”

“Well, she’s amazing. She’s very sexy,” Cas says without thinking, immediately feeling his face heat up. He’s not sure exactly where the feeling came from, but he has a terrible want to have sex in this car. It must be something about the black exterior and the leather seats and the sharp lines of the car.

He hears Dean chuckle before he opens the door and slides in, telling Cas to do the same. He opens the door and steps in the car, settling down onto the leather bench seat. The smell of leather and ‘Dean’ surrounds him and euphoria fills his senses. He inhales deeply, sighing as he lets out the breath.

Looking over at Dean, he sees a soft smile grace over his face as he starts the engine. A deep rumbling bounces off of the walls of the parking garage and Dean’s face splits into a grin.

“God, I’ve missed that sound,” he says, a happy giggle working it’s way out of his throat.

The drive takes all night and, though Castiel offers to switch, Dean stays behind the wheel the entire time. When they make it to Cape Vincent, it’s nine o’clock in the morning and Dean has dark circles under his eyes.

Concerned, Castiel suggests that they stop at a hotel for a few hours until they have to go to the funeral and, after a long argument, he gets Dean to agree. They pull into a small hotel on the outskirts of the city.

Dean and Castiel walk up to the front desk together, both carrying their small overnight bags that Cas insisted they pack. Castiel pulls his credit card out of his wallet, telling the receptionist that they need one room.

“Two queens or a king?” she asks, her tone a forced neutral. Castiel turns to face Dean with wide eyes, having forgotten that they would have to make this decision.

“Um--” Castiel begins awkwardly.

“A king will be fine,” Dean says, turning to face the receptionist with a face that can only mean ‘is that a problem?’ The receptionist nods and types something in on her computer. She pulls out a room key and hands it to Cas, a professional smile sliding into place.

“Have a nice stay,” she says. Nodding, Castiel picks his bag up and nudges Dean gently to get him to move. Dean shuffles forward, a scowl on his face.

When they get in the room, Dean’s scowl turns to a look of awe. Castiel chuckles and looks around the extravagant room. He’ll admit, it’s overwhelming.

The bed, for one thing, is huge. Which is a good thing, considering they are sharing. A thick, cream comforter covers the bed. A sparkling chandelier hangs from the ceiling, which Castiel thinks is a little over the top. He walks forward and puts his bag on the bed then turns to Dean, who is staring at the room with his mouth open.

“What?” Cas snickers, getting Dean’s wide eyes to turn to him.

“This room is fucking huge.”

“I guess it’s rather big.”

Dean scoffs, throwing his bag next to Cas’s. “That’s a bit of an understatement.”

***

“Cassie!” Castiel hears exactly three seconds before he is tackled by Gabriel. His brother’s shorter frame does little to knock him over, but does cause him to stutter backwards into Dean. “I’ve missed you little brother!”

Castiel smiles despite himself, saying, “I’ve missed you as well, Gabriel. Dean, this is my older brother Gabriel, Gabe, this is my uh-- this is my friend Dean.”

Gabriel releases Castiel and extends a hand out, which Dean takes without missing a beat.

“Wow Cassie, you didn’t say you had such sexy friends.”

“Gabriel,” Castiel sighs, meeting Dean’s eyes and shrugging. He assumes Dean isn’t uncomfortable, as he is laughing, but Gabriel does step over lines often. “Anyways, we should probably go in.”

Gabriel nods, smirking at Dean. “Yea. Just gonna warn ya, Mike and Luci are already going at it.”

Groaning, Castiel leads Dean and Gabriel into the room where the rest of his family are standing in a crowd. He can hear his mother’s distinct voice above the others, sounding just as stuck up and sophisticated as always.

He looks at Dean with a warning in his eyes before squaring his shoulders and walking forward. The room goes silent as everyone turns to look at them, judgement in all of their eyes. Castiel holds his head high, determined not to let them get to him again. He is here for Gabriel, that’s all.

He catches his mother’s gaze, but her eyes narrow and quickly flash over to Dean. She steps towards them, her heels clicking familiarly on the hardwood floor and sending goosebumps down Cas’s spine.

“Castiel, it’s good to see you,” she says the sharp, clinical tone she’s always used. He’s never heard her speak with any warmth and figures he never will.

“Mother,” he says, schooling his voice into something distant and unattached. A small smile falls into place on her lips, one he’s seen many times before. It is one she uses when speaking with people she will talk about badly later, the one he saw after countless dinner parties and social gatherings.

“Who is this?” she asks, looking over at Dean. Castiel watches as Dean hesitantly holds his hand out to her.

“Dean Winchester, ma’am,” he says with an accent that Castiel hasn’t noticed before. “I’m one of Cas’s patients.”

Castiel’s mother nods in acknowledgement before giving her name, “Naomi Novak. It’s a-- pleasure to meet you, Dean. I’m glad you came, Castiel.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around Cas, who stands frozen. “I’ve missed you.”

***

The rest of the funeral goes like Castiel expected it to. Michael and Lucifer both gave eulogies to their father, each one spouting a bunch of crap that Cas knows they don’t mean. If anybody hated Chuck Novak, it was Lucifer. Yet he stood up in front of everyone and said how much he’d miss their father and how much he’d meant to him.

As the funeral goes on, Castiel can tell that Dean is feeling progressively worse. By the end, Dean looks pale and keeps putting his head in his hands. Cas puts a hand on his back and rubs small, soothing circles in between Dean’s shoulder blades.

“Are you okay?” Cas asks, his voice quiet. Dean shakes his head quickly. “How about we go back to the hotel?”

“Okay.”

It takes a while for them to get out of the funeral home, as Cas’s family wants to speak with him since they’ve not seen him in so long, but they manage to get away. Castiel insists on driving and after some persuasion, gets Dean to agree.

They’re driving down the highway, Dean’s music playing softly in the background, when Dean shouts, “Pull over!”

Castiel does as he’s told, swerving over to the shoulder immediately. They’re barely stopped when Dean pushes the door open and falls out. Castiel doesn’t bother turning off the car before he hops out, running around the car to find Dean throwing up into the ditch.

Castiel kneels down and puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder, murmuring, “Just get it out. It’s okay.”

Eventually, Dean stops getting sick, but still continues to dry heave. Cas pats his back and tells him to breath, wishing that he had some water to give Dean.

Once Dean is calmed down, breathing evenly, he leans into Cas tiredly and whispers, “I think we should go to the hotel now.”


	8. Chapter 8

Dean wakes up three days later in a haze and with a massive headache. He sits up and finds himself sitting in his bed, something he hasn’t done since the night of the funeral. Castiel had been concerned after he’d gotten sick on the side of the road, so they’d stayed at the hotel until the next morning when he’d woken up leaning against Castiel. Dean had driven them back on Tuesday, but had a massive headache, so Cas insisted he hang out at his apartment for the day. 

Then, after Castiel had made dinner Tuesday night, Dean ended up falling asleep on the couch as they watched reruns of  _ The Big Bang Theory _ . He’d waken up in Cas’s bed the next morning pressed up against a softly-snoring Castiel. 

Groaning softly, Dean sits up, stretching his arms above his head. He yawns loudly as he swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, his feet hitting cold hardwood floors. 

He slowly makes his way into the kitchen and opens his cupboards, looking for a tin of coffee grounds. Sighing in defeat, Dean gives up the search and drags himself back to the bedroom. 

He dresses tiredly, pulling on a soft flannel and a pair of worn jeans. He glances in the mirror and finds his hair sticking up in every direction, quickly deciding against trying to fix it. It’d just get messed up anyways and he’s only going across the street for coffee. No need to dress up. 

He pulls on his trusty pair of Doc Martin boots and, after almost forgetting, grabs his wallet from on the nightstand next to the bed. 

The wind is cold and whips in between the buildings, making Dean wish that he’d brought a jacket. He shivers and jogs across the street to his favorite coffee shop, careful to look both ways as he crosses. 

The strong smell of coffee surrounds Dean as he crosses the threshold of the shop. He inhales deeply, taking a spot in line. It takes way too long for it to finally be his turn, but he decides the warm coffee is worth it when he takes his first drink. 

Dean is about to walk out the door and back onto the streets when a flash of red hair catches his attention. 

“Charlie!” he shouts at the barista, trying to get her to turn around. “Charlie!” 

She turns with a confused look on her face, but it quickly switches to a smile as she catches his eye. 

“Dean! Dude, it’s been too long,” she says, even though it’s only been couple of weeks, “How’ve you been?” 

This is the question Dean didn’t want to have to answer. He knows he has to tell her about the tumor, but how? 

He has known Charlie for years. They grew up together, living on the exact same street. They’d spend summers together, having  _ Star Trek _ and  _ Lord of the Rings  _ marathons in his basement. Sometimes they’d decide to go outside and they’d walk to the pool together, then sit in the grass and read. They weren’t exactly ‘jocks’. 

Then when his parents died, she had been there for him everyday. She’d make him eat three times a day, keep him from drinking himself stupid. And when Sam left, she was still there, watching movies and eating pizza with him. They both moved to New York around the same time, not a planned thing, but definitely a bonus. 

She’s been with him forever. He has to tell her. 

“I’m okay. Can we sit down, Charlie?” he asks, feeling suddenly dizzy. Her face becomes concerned quickly and she nods hesitantly. He leads her over to one of the two people booths and sits down, fighting back a wave of nausea that always hits when he sits or stands. 

“What’s up, Dean? You don’t look too good,” she says, taking off her mandatory green baseball cap that all of the baristas have to wear at the coffee shop. 

“Nothing. How’ve you been?” he asks, avoiding telling her. 

“Good. I met someone. Her name’s Gilda, she’s great,” Charlie begins, “I met her here, actually. She came in one day to get some coffee, I thought she was hot, so I asked her out. What about you, seeing anyone?” 

Dean smiles, a blush rising on his cheeks. “I’m not sure. It’s complicated.” 

“Oh man, that’s rough,” she says. Dean nods and the table falls silent, both of them staring at the other. 

“Do you remember Mr. Turner?” he asks suddenly, running his fingers around the base of his coffee cup. She furrows her brows and looks at him. 

“Rufus Turner, Bobby’s friend? The one who died from cancer?” Dean nods and sees the wheels in her head spinning. “Yea, I remember him. What’s he have to do with anything?” 

Dean goes quiet, looking down at the table. He should just say it, but he can’t get the words out. 

“Dean-- are you trying to tell me something?” 

Still, Dean says nothing. He nods, not thinking he could talk if he tried. It’s like someone cut his vocal chords. 

“Are you telling me that someone has cancer?” she asks. He nods again and hears her gasp, “Who? Is it Bobby?” 

“No, it’s not Bobby, it’s--” his voice cuts out, tears welling up in his eyes. He curses at himself for being such a girl. Why is this so fucking difficult? Just say it, god dammit. 

“Dean,” she says softly, pulling his gaze up. “Is it Sam?” 

Shaking his head, he manages to say, “Me.” 

Charlie’s face goes white as a sheet and her eyes go wide. She shakes her head and he can see her replaying what he just said. 

“No, no way,” she says, her voice choked up. “You don’t have cancer, you’re only twenty-five.” 

The table falls silent again and tears fall onto Dean’s cheeks. He wipes them away angrily, hoping that Charlie didn’t see but knowing she did. They sit in silence, both staring at the table, for ten minutes before either of them say anything else. 

“I have surgery on December twenty-seventh,” Dean says, staring at his coffee like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. He feels Charlie grab his hand and squeeze it tightly, almost as if she doesn’t think he’s there. 

Her voice is shaking when she says, “I’m so sorry, Dean. Does-- does Sam know?” 

“No. He wouldn’t care even if he did,” Dean says bitterly, looking up to meet her gaze. “You know how he was when he left for California. You know what he said.” 

Charlie nods slowly, sadly. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. She squeezes his hand again, turning it so she can slide their palms together. 

***

When Dean wakes up, he’s laying on his side in the kitchen of his apartment. His head hurts like a mother when he lifts it up off of the floor. He looks around and sees a broken glass sitting next to him, water all over the floor, his t-shirt soaked with it. 

“What the fuck?” he groans, pushing himself up into a sitting position. The last thing he remembers is coming home from the coffee shop and grabbing a glass from the cupboard. He grabs the counter top and pulls himself up so he’s standing, his legs wobbling. 

Scared, Dean grabs his cellphone off of the counter where he must have sat it. He dials Cas’s number and, carefully, walks over to the couch where he sits down with a plop. 

“Hello?” Cas says from the other line, his deep voice managing to calm Dean’s nerves. “Dean, is everything alright?” 

Shakily, Dean answers, “No, I uh--” 

“Dean what’s wrong?” 

“I think I just passed out in the kitchen,” he says quietly, his voice scratchy. He hears a door close on the other line and Cas sigh. 

“How long do you think you were out?” 

Dean looks at his watch and gasps, “Like, three hours, I think. I went to a coffee shop and got home around noon, and I just woke up.” 

The line falls silent and Dean starts to panic. 

“I’ll be right over, just lay down on the couch until I get there. Try to take deep breaths and watch some t.v. or something to get your mind to relax, okay?” Cas asks. Dean can hear rustling from the other line and a door slam shut. 

“Okay.” 

Castiel is there in thirty minutes and doesn’t bother to knock before he comes in the apartment. Dean sits up and feels himself get dizzy, but he ignores it. 

“Dean,” Cas says, walking over and sitting next to him on the couch. Dean can’t stop himself from wrapping his arms around Cas and burying his head in Cas’s shoulder like a scared little kid. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s one of the side effects that Balthazar warned you about, remember? I’m glad you called me, though.” 

Dean feels wetness on his cheeks and realizes he’s crying. He sniffles and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. 

“Thank you,” Dean whispers. “Thank you for coming over.” 

Castiel’s arms wrap around Dean and he whispers into Dean’s hair, “Anytime.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know I've said this will be posted everyday and it still will, but the next chapter may not be up tomorrow. I've been sick for the past week and have not gotten much written, so I don't have next chapter completed yet. I also have a ton of homework today and some family issues are happening, so I may not be able to write it in time. I apologize and promise that I will work to get it up.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is extremely short, I apologize. I am really sick atm, but wanted to get this chapter up so I quickly wrote it up. This chapter is un-beta'd and not my best quality at all. I'm super sorry that it's not up to par, but it's the best I could do today. Tomorrow's may not be very long or good either, but I'll do my best. Again, apologies. <3

Castiel wakes up with something warm wrapped around him. Opening his eyes, he finds Dean snoring softly against his chest, his face half buried in Castiel’s neck. Castiel smiles in contentment and sighs quietly. Gently, he wraps his arms around Dean’s waist and rubs small circles in his back. He hears Dean snuffle in his sleep and his arms tighten around Cas.

Castiel watches Dean sleep for an uncertain amount of time, enjoying watching how peaceful Dean looks when he is resting. 

With a small hum, Dean’s eyes flutter open and, once they focus on Cas’s face, widen in surprise. 

“Shit, sorry,” he says, his voice rough with sleep. He begins to pull himself out of Castiel’s grasp, but Cas tightens his arms, returning him to his position against his chest. 

“No need to apologize. I like waking up with you in my arms,” Cas says, immediately feeling a blush rise up on his cheeks. He watches as a blush rises on Dean’s cheeks too and he looks down in embarrassment. 

After a moment of awkward silence, Dean asks, “So whatcha doin’ today?” 

Castiel shrugs and shifts back so he can look Dean in the eye. “I’m not sure. I have the day off, but I don’t have any plans. What are you doing today?” 

“I don’t have anything to do either. You wanna um, wanna hang out here with me?”  

Castiel nods and Dean smiles, snuggling unconsciously in Cas’s arms. 

“Well then, do you want to watch a movie?” Dean asks. “I have all of the good ones--  _ Lord of the Rings _ ,  _ Star Wars, _ take your pick man.” 

Castiel answers, deadpan, “I’ve never seen any of those.” 

“Are you fucking kidding?” Dean shouts, jumping back from Cas as if he’s been burned. “Okay, we are watching all of the _Star Wars_ immediately.”

***

They sit on the couch, snuggled against each other, all day without stopping. Dean stays in Castiel’s arm the entire day, something Cas will never complain about. While they watched the movies, Dean would commentate every once in awhile, which Cas found endearing. 

Halfway through the third movie, which Dean insists is the worst movie, Dean asks, “So how did you get lucky enough to have today off?” 

Castiel takes a deep breath before answering, “I asked for some time off after the funeral.” 

“Why?” 

“So I could-- uh, take care of you,” Cas answers reluctantly. Dean pushes himself out of Cas’s arms. 

“Why the fuck would you do that?” 

Castiel looks down at his hand where it rests in a fist on his chest. He nervously flexes his fingers a few times, trying to think of an answer that won’t anger Dean further. He hears Dean scoff in frustration and flinches slightly. 

“Dean,” Cas starts, “you’re not-- you’re not doing very well. You know that. Balthazar warned me about how bad your symptoms could be so I made myself available to help you, if you needed it.” 

Dean stands up slowly and crosses his arms. The silence in the room is deafening. 

“I’m not a child, Cas. I can take care of myself,” he says, his voice dangerously low. Castiel can see him getting upset further at the thought of someone taking care of him. “I”m not a fucking invalid. I’m a grown ass adult.” 

“I know that, I do. But, I wanted to be free in case you needed a doctor or just a friend,” Cas says gently. Dean turns to look at him, his eyes sharp and angry. 

“You should go.” 

Castiel nods, accepting the fact that he’s being kicked out. He stands up and slides his shoes on slowly, secretly hoping that Dean will change his mind. When he doesn’t, Castiel walks slowly over to the door, opening it hesitantly. 

Regretfully, Cas says, “I’m sorry, Dean. Goodbye.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I got this chapter done... it's not the best but at least it's here. Tomorrow's may not be up-- I have a crap ton of homework that has to be finished. I will try my best. Enjoy the chapter! <3

He overreacted. 

Dean knows he overreacted. Kicking Cas out like that was uncalled for and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. No matter how pissed off Dean was, he knows he shouldn’t have done that. 

These are the thoughts that infect his mind when he wakes up the next morning. He sits up in his bed and runs a hand over his face, sighing. 

Knowing there is only one thing he can do now that will make him feel better, he picks up his phone. As he opens the ‘phone’ app, his phone starts buzzing, showing a number on the screen that Dean doesn’t know. 

“Hello?” he answers, his voice thick from sleep. 

A familiar gruff voice answers, “Dean?” 

Dean inhales sharply at the flood of emotions that the voice brings on. He laughs disbelievingly, exhaling slowly. “Bobby?” he says, joy evident in his tone. Bobby chuckle on the other end of the line. “It’s been a while.” 

“Yea, too long if you ask me,” Bobby agrees. “I was thinkin’ maybe you’d wanna come down to the garage later? I have something in right now that I thought you’d be able to help me with.” 

Grinning, Dean answers, “Yea, okay. I’ll come over later today.” He stands up immediately, looking around for a pair of ratty jeans he can work in. 

He remembers working on cars before… well, before his life went to shit. He always used it as a way to relax and get out pent up frustration. Bobby knew that he loved working on older cars, so he would always call him when the garage got one in. It was one of the only things that Dean really took interest in for a while. He worked on a lot of cars after his mom and dad died. 

Sam never understood why Dean liked to work on cars so much, not like Bobby did. Sam and Dean would always get in arguments about Dean ‘wasting his life away’ at the garage everyday after their parents’ deaths. Dean thinks that one of the reasons Sam left was because Dean worked on cars so often. He just didn’t get it. 

The idea of going out and actually  _ doing _ something excites Dean. Lately, especially after the news about the tumor, Dean has been doing a lot of nothing. He goes out, but he hasn’t done manual labor in what feels like forever. He always has been the type of person who loves to work with their hands, not their mind, and these past few months of working at a desk job have been killing him. 

He pulls on an old t-shirt that already has holes and oil in the fabric. He’s not sure exactly what kind of work Bobby wants him to do today, so he plans on being prepared for anything. 

The garage is only ten blocks away from Dean’s apartment building. There is no good reason for this being the first time he’s visiting it in six months.  Dean decides to walk to the garage, thinking some fresh air might do him some good.

A bell on the door jingles when he opens it, catching the eye of a kid behind the reception desk. Colored lights hang on the front of the desk in a sad attempt to be festive. 

“Welcome to Singer’s Automotive, what can I do for ya?” asks the kid behind the desk in a southern drawl. 

“Uh, I’m here to talk to Bobby,” Dean says, feeling awkward. The kid gives him a strange look before shouting for Bobby. The door behind the desk opens and Bobby walks out, his staple baseball cap on his head. His beard is longer than Dean remembered, but other than that, he looks exactly the same as the last time Dean saw him. 

“Dean,” Bobby says, walking out from behind the desk. He throws his arms around Dean and says, “It’s good to see ya boy.” Dean wraps his arms around Bobby and feels a rush of emotions that nearly bring him to tears. 

“It’s good to see you too,” he says, voice full of nostalgia. “What-- uh, what did you have in?” 

Bobby pulls back and slaps Dean’s shoulder. “Your specialty-- an Impala. Not a ‘67, mind you, but a ‘70. Still figured you might do better on it than any of my men would.” 

Dean grins as Bobby leads him into the garage, the sound clanking metal and the aroma of oil filling the air. Dean inhales deeply, realizing how much he missed being here. He looks around and sees a red Impala sitting in one of the bays. Bobby walks over to it and puts a hand on the hood. 

“This is it. Came in yesterday. The owner complained of a ‘weird clanking noise’ coming from the engine when it they started it up,” Bobby says. “I wasn’t sure what exactly was going on, so I figured you may wanna take a whack at it.” 

***

It only takes two hours for Dean to figure out what was causing the noise. He fixes it quickly and is sad when he’s done. The whole time he’s working, his argument with Castiel goes round and round in his mind. 

He was so stupid. He realizes now that he was mad because Cas cares. He pushed away the one person who’s cared about him in six months all because he wanted to help. How fucked up is that? 

Dean places his grease rag on the bench and heads in to Bobby’s office. The kid behind the desk eyes him strangely when he walks around the desk to the office door, but Dean ignores him and goes in without saying anything. 

“You done?” Bobby asks, looking up from a paper he’s reading. Dean nods and takes a seat in one of the old wooden desk chairs across from Bobby. “So, how you been boy?” 

Sighing, Dean answers, “Not too good.” 

He knew when he said he’d come in that he’d have to tell Bobby about the cancer. Bobby has always been like a dad to Dean and Dean’s never been able to lie to him. So, 

Taking a deep breath, Dean decides to just tell him, “Bobby, I don’t know how to say this--”

“It’s okay, whatever you’ve done, we can fix it,” Bobby interrupts. 

“No, I haven’t done anything,” Dean says, shaking his head. He takes a deep breath and says quickly, “Bobby, I uh-- I have cancer.” 

The room falls silent and Bobby’s gaze cuts through Dean like a knife. Slowly, Bobby’s head begins to shake. He’s obviously in disbelief and Dean just waits for the news to sink in. 

“I didn’t just hear you right,” Bobby says, his voice choked up. “You don’t have cancer. What do you mean you have cancer?” 

Dean shakes his head, feeling tears well up. Bobby stands up and walks around the desk, throwing his arms around Dean with enough force to nearly send Dean to the floor. Tears fall down Dean’s cheeks and he slowly feels himself fall apart. 

“It’ll be okay, Dean,” Bobby whispers gruffly. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

***

The talk with Bobby wiped Dean’s mental, physical, and emotional energy completely. On the walk home he feels like he’s going to pass out right on the sidewalk. He nearly hails a cab, but tells himself to stop being a baby and to suck it up and walk home. 

He regrets the decision by the time he gets home, feeling nearly dead on his feet. He staggers into the apartment and begins heading to the couch, planning to crash for the next few hours. Before he gets halfway there, a wave of nausea hits him and his stomach flips. 

“Oh shit,” he groans as the world begins to spin. “Oh no,” he runs as quickly as he manage to the bathroom and barely makes it to the toilet before he gets sick. He falls to his knees when he’s done and lays back, resting his head on the cool tile of the bathroom floor. 

He pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket, feeling thankful that he put it in there. He opens up the contact list and calls Cas, hoping that he’ll answer despite them having fought. 

“Hello?” Cas asks, his deep voice managing to sooth Dean. “Dean, are you okay?” 

“No, I’m not okay,” Dean answers. He feels himself begin to cry for the second time that day and curses at himself for being so weak. “Can you come over?” 

“Of course.” 

True to his word, Castiel shows up at Dean’s house in less than ten minutes. Dean hears the front door open. He hears the quiet click of Cas’s shoes on the hardwood floor as he walks around the apartment, probably looking for Dean. 

“Dean?” he says, pushing open the bathroom door. Dean’s not sure how it got closed, probably happened when he ran in here. “What happened?” Cas asks. He kneels next to Dean and pulls his head gently into lap. Castiel runs his fingers through Dean’s hair soothingly. 

“I got sick,” Dean whispers. His voice is thick with unshed tears that he can feel behind his eyes. He can tell he’s about to fall apart again, but he doesn’t bother to push down the emotions. “God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so sorry Cas, I’m sorry.” 

“Sh, it’s okay--”

“No, it’s not. I’m an asshole, I’m so sorry. You deserve better than me,” Dean says. The tears begin running down his cheeks silently, falling onto Cas’s jeans. 

“It’s okay. I was in the wrong. You’re right, you’re not an invalid, I shouldn’t treat you as one,” Cas says. Dean opens his mouth to answer, but Cas presses a gentle finger to his lips. “It’s okay. Don’t say anything, just rest,” he whispers. Cas leans down and presses a soft kiss to Dean’s forehead, his fingers still running through Dean’s hair. 

Dean sniffles and nods, his eyes fluttering shut. He wants to believe Cas. He wants to believe that it’s okay, but he knows it’s not. Yet, with Cas here, it feels like there’s a chance that things could be okay-- that Castiel can make them okay. 

He thinks if he tries hard enough, he can start to believe that. 


	11. Chapter 11

“Cassie, didn’t expect you to be in today,” a voice says from Castiel’s office door. Castiel looks up and finds Balthazar leaning against the doorframe. “Thought you had some time off.”

Castiel nods, making a small humming noise. He looks down at the paperwork that he’s been filling out for the past two hours and sighs. One of his patients cancelled a surgery that Cas scheduled for that day. Despite having taken off, he had to come in to perform it. But, the patient decided to put it off until after the holidays, leaving Cas on the clock for eight hours at the hospital.

He decided after the fight with Dean that maybe he should come in to the hospital and work despite having taken days off. If it really had offended Dean that much, maybe it was a bad idea.

“I did, but there was a surgery scheduled that got cancelled,” he explains, looking up. Balthazar walks forward and plops down in one of the chairs on the other side of Cas’s desk.

“I see. May I ask why you took off in the first place?” Balthazar asks. He crosses one leg over the other, making him look very formal.

“I wanted to make myself available in case someone needed me.”

Balthazar nods, as if this is the answer he was expecting. “Is that someone Mr. Winchester?”

Castiel puts his pen down and folds his hands on the desk. His tone cautious, Cas asks, “Balth, what is this about?”

The room falls silent and Balthazar looks down at his hands. Sighing, he says, “You should be careful, Cassie. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Castiel tilts his head as his eyebrows furrow, his face the epitome of confusion.

“Be careful of what?”

“Of getting too close to your new friend,” Balthazar says tensely, his voice defeated. “You know how it is with cancer patients, Cas. We can’t get too attached to them. They may not make it long term and Dean’s case-- it isn’t good.”

Castiel says, “You’re his doctor! You’re supposed to make sure that he makes it long term, not tell me that he won’t. Maybe you need to do your goddamn job better.”

The tension in the room is palpable. Castiel isn’t sure why he got so upset so quickly, it’s not like him at all. But hearing Balthazar talk about Dean like he’s already gone was too much for him to handle.

But Cas knows the unspoken rule; doctors in different departments don’t interfere with another doctor’s patient. They don’t tell them how to treat a patient, they don’t tell them that they’re wrong in their treatment. For Castiel to say that Balthazar isn’t doing his best is completely out of line.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, ashamed.

Balthazar answers softly, “It’s okay. But Cas, this is what I’m talking about-- you’re already getting attached. I will do my best to make him better, but this type of surgery is risky. I can’t make any promises.”

“I know,” Cas says, his voice broken. He feels on the verge of tears, which he finds absolutely ridiculous. He mentally scolds himself and tries to get himself under control.

“I just-- I don’t want you to get in over your head. You fall easily Cassie, we both know that. And Dean is, well, he’s perfect for you, far as I can tell,” Balthazar says. “Just be careful.”

“I will be.”

***

“Where are we going?” Castiel asks for the third time that night. Dean convinced him that they needed to go out somewhere, but won’t tell him where. He seems to have somewhere in mind, as he doesn’t seem to be lost.

Laughing, Dean teasingly says, “Sorry baby, can’t do that.”

The pet name, though said as a joke, sends a spark of heat through Castiel’s body. He can feel a blush rise into his cheeks and he prays that Dean doesn’t notice.

The streets of New York are really pretty today, at least Cas thinks so. It’s been lightly snowing all day, covering the tops of trees and bushes. The city looks like a winter wonderland as the snow sparkles in the lights from the buildings.

Dean slides a mittened hand into Cas’s, lacing their fingers together. They walk side by side down the sidewalk, falling silent as they admire the snow. The pair walks past one of the city’s holiday decorations; a statue of giant Christmas ornaments all stacked together.

[(See this scene here)](https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/post/154353891260/chapter-11-of-pybh-will-be-up-soon)

“I love Christmas in the city,” Dean says. Castiel looks over at him, tracing his profile with his eyes. “The trees and the lights-- it’s all so beautiful.” Dean turns his head and makes eye contact with Cas, flushing under his gaze.

“I agree,” Cas says, turning his head forward to look at the sidewalk. “So, now can you tell me where we’re going?”

“Well, we’re here, so there’s no need,” Dean answers, gently nudging Cas to turn into a park. Castiel looks around and recognizes the park as the ice-skating rink.

Bouncing up and down in excitement, Castiel looks over and asks, “Are we skating?”

“Yea, I thought it may be fun to do something kinda festive,” he answers. Castiel stops and throws an arm around Dean, who freezes. He slowly copies Cas’s movement, a small smile falling onto Cas’s face.

When Castiel pulls away, there’s a small blush on his cheeks. “Sorry,” he says, shyly. “I just love skating. I used to do it when I was younger, but I haven’t had time as of late.”

“It’s a good thing you know how, then,” Dean laughs. “I’ve never skated before, so you’ll have to teach me.”

***

“Son of a bitch,” Dean groans, falling on his ass for the fourth time in ten minutes. Castiel giggles-- actually giggles-- before putting a hand out for Dean to grab. “How can you do this so fucking well?”

“Years of practice,” Cas answers dryly, pulling Dean to his feet. Dean looks over at him, annoyed, but immediately the frustration melts away. It’s obvious that Castiel loves skating, at least to Dean. He’d never admit it out loud, but Castiel looks like an angel when he’s skating.

The whole time they’ve been on the ice, Cas’s face has been lit up by a huge grin. He’s looked lighter, as if all of the weight on his shoulders was just lifted.

“What?” Cas asks as he turns, catching Dean staring at him.

Blushing, Dean answers, “Nothing. How ‘bout we try this again?”

Castiel nods and grabs Dean’s other hand, facing him. “Follow my lead,” he says. Slowly, he begins skating backwards, pulling Dean with him. They gradually pick up speed as they go around the rink, Cas somehow managing to avoid hitting other skaters. “There you go,” he says, his voice full of joy.

Dean smiles at how happy Cas sounds and loses his concentration. His feet begin to slip and he slides forward. His hands fall out of Cas’s and he grabs the lapels of Cas’s gray peacoat. With a loud gasp, Cas grabs Dean’s shoulders, steadying him.

“Woah, I’ve got ya,” he whispers. Dean feels himself breathing heavily and realizes that he’s only three inches from Cas’s face. Their eyes meet, like they’re in one of the chick flicks Dean despises. Dean pushes himself up, ignoring how cheesy this moment has become, and presses his lips gently to Cas’s lips. They both gasp when their lips touch and press into each other.

Deciding that he might as well be cheesier, Dean pulls away and whispers, “I know.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm so sorry that this chapter is late! I think I'll be on schedule the rest of the week with a chapter a day, but I know I'm behind a chapter. I plan on posting two chapters on Sunday or sometime next week, as I will be out of school for Christmas break and will have plenty of time to write. 
> 
> Please excuse any mistakes, this chapter is un-beta'd.

Dean’s phone rings early in the morning two days later. He jolts awake, his heart racing. He blinks and blearily looks around the room for whatever woke him up. Spotting the phone on the bedside table, he reaches over and grabs. He flips it open harder than needed and says annoyedly,  “Hello?” 

Someone on the other end inhales a sharp breath, but says nothing. 

Rolling his eyes, Dean says again with more volume, “Hello?” After a few seconds of nothingness, he hangs up, figuring it must have been a wrong number or a wonky computer-automated number. 

Looking at the clock, he sees that it’s nearly eight in the morning. Groaning, he rolls out of bed so he can get dressed. After he’d told Bobby about the tumor, Bobby offered him a job at the garage. He’d tried to say no, but Bobby somehow knew he was struggling with money. 

Dean’s decided that Bobby must be ‘all-knowing’. Sam and he could never get away with anything when they were kids. They would go to his house in the summer when their parents were both at work. Bobby would always look after them, make sure they didn’t get into trouble. 

So, Dean walks across the cold floor to his dresser where he pulls out an old shirt and jeans. He dresses slowly, having an hour before he has to be at the garage. He starts to make coffee, but after further thought, decides to go to the coffee shop across the street. 

He walks to the shop quickly, cold air biting his exposed skin. As always, the aroma of coffee greets him at the door, making his mouth water. 

Charlie brings his coffee to him and sits down at the table across from him. 

“You look glowier,” she says without greeting. Her eyes narrow and she studies his face intently, making him feel awkward. 

“What?” he asks, taking a sip of his hot, black coffee. She smiles and snaps her fingers, pointing at him. 

As if she just figured out the world’s biggest mystery, she says, “You either got laid or-- no, that’s definitely your post-lay glow.” 

Dean flushes red and shakes his head insistently. “No, no-- no, I did not get laid,” he says sheepishly. She gives him a curious glance, question in her eyes. “But, I-- I kissed someone.” 

“What?” she shouts, “tell me all about it! Who is he?” 

Dean flushes, looking down at the steam coming from his cup. He’s told Charlie that he likes guys and girls both, which she said means he’s ‘bi’ or something, but he’s never really dated a man. He doesn’t understand why it feels like he’s about to come out to her again.

And it’s not like she’s homophobic in the slightest-- she’s only into women. And he’s definitely not secretive about his sexuality, if anything he’s proud of it. He doesn’t see a reason to hide something that’s such a big part of his being. 

But that doesn’t explain why she assumes it’s a ‘he.’ 

“What makes you think it’s a guy?” he asks, his face red. She outright laughs at that, slapping her knee like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Once she’s calmed down, she stares at him with disbelief. 

“You honestly don’t know why?” she asks, her voice incredulous. Dean shakes his head, feeling dumber every second she looks at him like he’s a complete idiot. “First of all, if it had been a girl, you would’ve slept with her. Second, you wouldn’t have been so excited about a kiss.” 

“What do you mean I would’ve slept with her?” he asks defensively. Charlie laughs again, light and cheerful. 

“Dean, I hate to break this to you, but you kinda sleep around. A lot,” she says. “But, it’s always the women you sleep with with. You’ve never dated a man, or slept with one, to my knowledge. You wouldn’t have told me you kissed a girl because that wouldn’t be unusual for you.” 

“Oh.”    

Charlie laughs again before asking seriously, “So, tell me about him.” 

The mention of Cas makes Dean’s stomach flutter and he grins unconsciously. His voice light, he says, “His name is Castiel Novak. He’s a doctor and uh-- I kissed him last night while we were ice-skating. I slipped and he caught me and-- yea.” 

“That’s so romantic,” she says teasingly. “So, do you think he’s a potential lay?” 

Dean once again turns red, but he shakes his head, saying, “No, he’s-- he’s more than that, Charlie.  I think he, well, I really like him.” 

“Oh man, you have it bad. Where’d you meet this guy?” 

“At a bar on Thanksgiving.” 

Charlie stills, looking at Dean with sharp eyes. Suspiciously, she asks, “What were you doing at a bar on Thanksgiving?”

Once again, Dean flushes and answers, “I was trying to pick someone up. Cas was there and I--”

“Oh my god!” she shouts, grabbing a few customer’s attention. “You slept with him, didn’t you!” Dean nods and she punches his arm, saying, “You dog! Wait, you did this on Thanksgiving and you didn’t tell me?” 

“Well, to be fair, the last time I talked to you, I told you I have cancer,” he points out. She nods and her face immediately falls, becoming somber and on the verge of tears. “Hey, none of that.” 

“Sorry,” she says, blinking to rid herself of tears. “How- uh, how’ve you been doing with that?” 

Dean looks down at his coffee, tracing the rim of the mug with his eyes. He mulls over answers in his head, not wanting to worry her. Opting to ignore the black outs and nausea, he answers, “I’ve been okay. Uh, Cas has been helping me. My oncologist is one of his friends.” 

She nods, looking appeased. Dean glances down at his watch and hops up. “Shit, sorry Charlie. I gotta head to the garage.” 

“Okay. Take care of your doctor,” she says, winking. She stands up and throws her arms around his neck, whispering, “Call me if you need anything.”

“You got it, captain.”

***

The garage is bustling when Dean gets there. With the winter weather beginning to set in, more and more people are sending their cars in to get serviced. This means that Dean spends his day on the boring task of oil changes and fluid refills. 

He doesn’t even get to work on any cool classic cars today, Bobby hasn’t gotten any in since the ‘70 Impala. With the abundance of cars coming in today, Dean has a few people helping him with the cars to speed up the process. 

One of them, Benny, Dean’s worked with before. When Dean used to work at the garage, Benny was there too. He was hired a year before Dean left and they quickly became friends. 

“Hey Dean,” comes Benny’s southern drawl from under the car. 

“Yea, Benny?” 

“You been seeing anyone lately?” Benny asks. It’s not unusual for the workers at the garage to make conversation while they work, it helps make the job go quicker. But Dean’s never been asked about his love life before, not even from Jo. 

Thinking about Cas, Dean answers hesitantly, “Uh, I don’t know, why?” 

A deep chuckle comes from under the car, “Well, I was wondering if you were free tomorrow? Ya know, we could go get dinner, see a movie.” 

Dean freezes where he is, the oil cap he’s tightening only half done. He has no idea what to answer. He thinks about Castiel and he and realizes he has no idea what exactly they are. They’ve slept together, but that was only supposed to be a one night thing. Yet, he isn’t sure if they’re dating. 

They’ve been out together a lot and Dean’s pretty sure last night was a date. But, Castiel said he wanted to take things slow, so does that mean they’re not together? They haven’t had the ‘are we boyfriends?’ talk, so they’re not dating? 

But Dean is pretty sure he’s falling for Cas, not that he’d ever say that out loud. And last night was definitely a step in their relationship, no matter how you look at it. The image of Castiel smiling, looking angelic, pops into Dean’s mind and he feels his heart beat a little faster at the memory of the kiss. 

“Dean?” Benny asks, pulling himself out from under the car. “Look brother, if you don’t want to, I understand.” 

Taking a hard look at Benny, Dean realizes that Benny  _ is  _ attractive. And since Castiel and he don’t have any titles, he’s free, right? 

Hesitantly and feeling like he’s breaking an unspoken rule, Dean says,“Okay. Sounds great, Benny.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand I'm behind another chapter. Sorry guys, yesterday got really hectic and I didn't manage to finish this one. But, that just means that next week there will be two days with double updates. :)

The next day, Dean has a bottomless pit of guilt in his stomach because of his decision. Castiel had called him the night before simply to ask how his day was. Not to ask him to do anything. Not to deliver bad news. Just because he wanted to check in and say hello. 

Nobody had ever done that for Dean before. 

Charlie has called before just to talk, of course, but she always had news she wanted to share with him. Sam had called, before, but it was to tell him off or ask for a favor. Castiel didn’t have anything to share, he just wanted to hear about Dean. 

And the entire conversation, all Dean wanted to say ‘I have a date, are we together’ or ‘I’m cheating, I’m sorry’, Castiel asked question after question, all about minute details of Dean’s day. 

He groans and covers his face with his hands. His memory foam mattress did nothing to help him sleep last night and is not helping him with his guilt now. He shouldn’t have said yes to Benny. He doesn’t even know why he did. 

So what if Cas and he haven’t talked about what their relationship status is? They’re still in a relationship! Or starting one, at least. 

Just as Dean is starting to spiral out of control due to his guilt, his phone rings, startling him out of his thoughts. He picks it up quickly, not checking the I.D., pressing it to his ear. He secretly hopes that it’s Benny calling to cancel the date. 

“Hello?” he asks, his voice rushed. Someone sniffles on the other line and he sits up in bed, concerned. “Hello?”

“Dean?” a broken voice asks from the other end. 

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean answers, a sob coming from Cas. 

The silence from Cas is deafening, but every few seconds there’s a hushed sniffle. Dean searches through his mind, looking for something that could’ve upset Cas, but he comes up empty. 

“I lost a patient,” Cas whispers. “I-- Can I come over? Just for a little while?” 

Dean nods, then remembers that Cas can’t see him. “Of course you can. Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you.” 

Castiel sniffles again, a small sob breaking out on the phone. “I’m at the hospital, in my office.” 

***

Dean practically runs to Cas’s office. He remembers the way from the day of the accident and somehow manages to make it there without getting lost. He twists the doorknob, taken aback when he finds the door locked. He knocks lightly, so as not to draw attention. 

“Cas? Baby, let me in,” Dean says, his voice soft, just loud enough to go through the wood door. There’s some shuffling from inside the room and then he hears the lock click. The door opens slowly, revealing a teary Cas. 

Dean steps in and shuts the door before pulling Cas into his chest. Almost immediately, as if someone broke a dam, Castiel falls apart. Dean feels Cas’s body shaking with quiet sobs and tears soak through his t-shirt. 

“Sh, it’s okay. It’s alright,” Dean whispers into Cas’s hair, pressing a kiss against the side of his head. He rubs Castiel’s back soothingly, attempting to calm him down. Cas shakes his head where it rests against Dean’s shoulder. His grip tightens on the back of Dean’s shirt, like he’s holding on for dear life. 

“It’s not, it’s not okay,” he cries, his voice sounding hopeless and broken. Dean feels Cas’s knees buckle and he sits down, leaning Cas against him. He continues to rub Castiel’s back until he feels the sobs stop and Cas is no longer crying. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Dean asks. Castiel shakes his head, sniffling. 

“Can we just go to your house for a little? I uh-- I’m done here today.” 

Dean nods and stands up, pulling Cas up with him. Castiel wipes his face with his hands, his eyes red and puffy. Dean pulls him in for another hug and kisses his forehead before walking him out of the office. 

They manage to get out of the hospital without anyone speaking to Cas, which Dean feels thankful for. He hails a cab for them, having taken one there. Castiel slides in the car quietly, pressing himself up against Dean when they’re both in the cab. 

Dean wraps an arm around him and keeps it there the whole ride. He would’ve thought Castiel had fallen asleep if not for the quiet sniffles that he makes every few minutes. 

When they get into Dean’s apartment, Castiel sits down on the couch, his face blank. 

“Want some tea, or coffee?” Dean asks, kneeling in front of Cas and grabbing both of his hands, finding them ice cold. He sees Castiel swallow and shake his head. 

“Do you have anything stronger?” he asks, his voice hoarse. Dean chuckles lightly before nodding. He stands up and walks into the kitchen, pulling out the bottle of whiskey he keeps around for ‘emergencies’. He pours a decent amount into a glass before taking it out to Cas. “Thanks.” 

“No problem,” Dean answers. He takes a seat next to Cas, leaving an inch between them incase Cas needs space. “Uh, I know I said you don’t have to talk about it, and I mean that, but-- you’re okay, right? Like, you’re not hurt?” 

“I’m okay,” Cas whispers. He takes another drink of the whiskey. Taking a shaky breath, he, “Uh-- I uh, lost a patient on my table today.” 

There’s a raw pain in his voice that Dean hasn’t heard since his parents died. He can’t keep himself from sliding over and wrapping an arm around Cas. “Aw Cas, I’m so sorry,” he whispers, his heart breaking for Cas. 

Cas nods, saying, “Me too. I uh, I shouldn’t be so torn up about it. It’s-- it’s something doctors have to deal with sometimes, but uh-- there was nothing I could’ve done. I just, um, haven’t lost anyone in a while.” 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain,” Dean says, “I understand. But, don’t blame yourself, okay? You did all you could.” 

Leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder, Castiel sniffles and says, “I know, but-- but she shouldn’t have died today.” Dean nods and rubs Cas’s back, searching his mind for something that would make Cas feel better. 

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” he asks. “We could hang out, watch a movie or something? I don’t think you should be by yourself.” 

“Okay,” Cas whispers. He swallows the rest of his drink and lifts up the glass, saying with a rough voice, “I think we both are going to need some more of this.” 

“You’re right,” Dean says. “Just uh, give me a minute and I’ll grab us some more.” 

Dean walks out to the kitchen again, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He dials the number quickly and presses the phone up to his ear. After three rings someone answers, “Hello?” 

Taking a nervous breath, Dean says, “Hi Benny. I uh, can’t make it tonight. Something came up.” 

A sigh comes from the other line, accompanied by a thud of a door. “That’s okay, brother. We can reschedule,” Benny says, sounding disappointed. 

Dean shakes his head before realizing that Benny can’t see him. Inhaling, trying to gather courage, Dean says, “Actually, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. We might just be better off staying friends, ya know, since we work together. I don’t want things to become complicated.” 

“Okay. We can stay friends, for now,” Benny says. “I think we’d be good together, though. And I’m going out of town for awhile anyways. Maybe you’ll change your mind by the time I get back.” 

“Um, yea maybe,” Dean says awkwardly. He shifts his weight on his feet, eager to end the conversation. The hope in Benny’s tone is making him worried-- he doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea. “Okay, well, I have to go. So, uh, I guess I’ll see you when you get back.”

“See ya, Dean.” 

As soon as he hangs up the phone, Dean sighs deeply. He should’ve just told Benny that he was in a relationship when he asked. It would have saved him a lot of shit that he doesn’t want to deal with. 

He grabs the whiskey and unscrews the cap, taking a drink directly from the bottle. He then pours Cas and himself glasses and takes it back out to Cas. 

“Thanks. Who were you talking to?” Cas asks conversationally. Dean clears his throat and looks down, taking a drink of whiskey. 

“Uh, it was nobody. Just someone from work,” he says, because technically it’s not a lie. “What movie do you wanna watch?” 

***

They watch movies late into the night, Dean holding Castiel the entire time. After they’d chosen a movie, Cas had pressed himself against Dean’s chest and decided not to move. Not that Dean’s complaining-- having Cas in his arms was the best feeling he’s had in awhile. 

When their third movie of the ends, Dean asks gently, “Do you feel better?” 

Cas shakes his head, saying, “Not really.”

“Tell me how to make it better,” Dean says, hugging Cas tighter. Castiel presses himself into Dean’s chest further, turning his head to look at Dean. 

“Kiss me?” he asks, a small smirk on his lips. Dean chuckles and leans down, pressing his lips softly against Cas’s. He tries to keep it chaste, assuming that’s what Castiel wanted. But when Cas turns himself around, straddling Dean’s legs, Dean can’t help himself from sliding his tongue against Cas’s.

A small moan sounds from Cas and Dean grins into the kiss. Sliding his hands up Cas’s back, he tangles his fingers in Cas’s dark mess of hair.

Dean can’t stop himself from thinking about how nice this is. He’s been craving kissing Cas since their date. He just feels like there’s an electricity in the air every time they touch. He never wants this to end. 

Cas grinds his hips down teasingly, nipping at Dean’s lips. His hands run up Dean’s chest, cupping Dean’s jaw and holding him still. Their tongues slide together again and Dean takes the opportunity to lick into Cas’s mouth. He finds himself getting lost in the tastes on Cas’s tongue-- whiskey and something just purely  _ Castiel.  _

“Dean,” Cas whispers, pulling away. He rests their foreheads together, a smile on Cas’s face. Dean runs a soft hand along Cas’s jaw, looking up at him in awe. 

“You’re awesome, Cas,” Dean whispers. Castiel laughs lightly, shaking his head. Dean flushes, a shy smile falling into place. “Don’t ever change.” 

Still laughing, Cas looks Dean in the eye seriously. “I won’t,” he promises, before leaning down to press their lips together once more. 

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I suck at this 'every day update' schedule. This week will be better as I have no school and I owe you guys some double updates, which should happen quickly. I plan on this fic being completely finished on Christmas day, so we only have eight days if I can get the chapters written quick enough. 
> 
> I just want to say before we get into this chapter that you guys are awesome! We reached 1k today and that is just amazing. I didn't think this fic would get that high so quickly, so thank you. I'm happy that you guys are enjoying the story so far and I hope you continue to enjoy it. Without further ado, enjoy the chapter!

Dean wakes up with Castiel in his arms. They’d watched another movie together and eaten a pizza Dean had ordered before they went to bed. Dean suggested just staying on the couch all night, but Castiel insisted that they move to his bedroom. 

Despite thinking things would be awkward, Dean thinks sleeping in the same bed as Cas was amazing. Cas had ended up octopus-ed around Dean’s body. Dean was absolutely not complaining about it. 

Having to pull himself out of bed was a major struggle. Dean did his best to avoid waking up Cas, but he failed. He’d seen Cas’s baby blues pop open when he rolled over. After some arguing, Dean convinced Cas to stay in bed and go back to sleep. He’d given the instructions for Cas to just let himself out when he felt like leaving. 

Or he could stay. Dean had mentioned that as an option and loved how Castiel nodded eagerly. So, he has the thought of Cas waiting at his home for motivation to get out of the garage quickly. 

Before he’d remember that Benny was out of town for the week, Dean had been worried about having to see him. He didn’t want to have to make up an excuse for why he couldn’t go. Luckily he didn’t have to see Benny at all. 

Today must be Dean’s lucky day, because while he’s working Bobby gets in a classic car. Bobby, as usual, let’s Dean work on it. It’s not an Impala, but a ‘69 Chevelle instead. 

He’s just beginning to work on the car when his phone rings. He curses himself for not turning it off like normal, but he thought Castiel might need to speak with him. Pulling out his phone, he sees that it’s the number that called him yesterday and hung up. 

“Hello?” he asks, his voice clipped. There’s rustling on the other end, just like the day before. “Are you going to talk, or just breath into the phone?”

An excited woman’s tone asks from the other line, “Dean Winchester?” 

Confused, he asks “Uh, yea. Why?” 

The woman giggles and says, “My name is Jessica. God, it’s so good to finally get you on the phone!” 

“Uh, what?” Dean asks. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” 

“Well, not officially,” Jessica says. “But you should. Um, My name is Jessica Winchester and I’m married to Sam.” 

Dean freezes. His world flips upside down and he whispers, “what?”

“I’m so sorry you have to find out this way, but Sam really wants to see you. I’d like to meet you too,” Jessica says. “Can you meet us today somewhere?” 

*** 

Dean regrets saying yes. He’s walking to the coffee shop Jessica said they’d meet him at. Each step he takes makes him feel more nervous about seeing Sam again. All of the emotions Dean had hidden away are bubbling to the surface again. 

It had taken months for Dean to get over Sam leaving. For weeks he’d drink himself into stupidity just to hold himself together. At first he started out angry, then hurt, until he landed on self-loathing. 

He knows he was the reason Sam left. 

Dean knows it was his grief for their parents that pushed Sam away, all the way to Stanford. He would drink and just sit on the couch everyday without moving. Sam is one to work through the grief-- stay busy, only stop to sleep. 

Some days Sam would get so frustrated with Dean’s drunkenness, he’d stand and yell at him for hours. Dean never argued back, just stared blankly at Sam. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sam would yell, his large form towering over where Dean was slumped over on the couch. Dean didn’t have an answer, so he said nothing. Then Sam would storm off to his room, the door slamming hard enough to shake the house. 

Dean pauses on the sidewalk, all of the fights he and Sam had whirring through his head. He feels himself starting to panic and a headache begins. He sighs and walks the rest of the way to the coffee shop, forcing down the urge to run. 

He wants to call Cas. Dean wants to ask Cas to come with him, but he doesn’t. He figures that this is something he needs to do by himself, at least for now. 

The coffee shop approaches too quickly and he opens the door slowly. He immediately spots Sam, though he’s about two feet taller and so much bigger. His brother no longer looks like a teenager-- he’s huge. 

Taking a deep breath and gathering his courage, Dean walks hesitantly over to the little table. He sees a pretty blonde woman sitting next to Sam. They both spot Dean at the same time and Jessica stands up, walking forwards.

She wraps her arms around and says, “It’s so nice to meet you!” 

Dean slowly wraps her arms around her too, seeing his brother walk up to him. Jessica releases him and steps back. 

“Dean,” Sam says, walking forward and throwing his arms around him. “God, I’ve missed you.” Unsure of what to say, Dean freezes. Sam steps back and looks at him with a strange look on his face. “What’s wrong?” 

_ “What the fuck is wrong with you?”  _ Sam’s voice runs through Dean’s head.

“Um, it’s not that it’s not good to see you-- but, I’m a little confused,” Dean admits. “Last time I saw you, you told me it would be the last time. And then I get a call from your wife, who I had never heard of, saying that you wanted to see me?”

Sam looks down at his feet, looking a little ashamed. “Yea, I remember. But, things are different now. I’ve missed you.” 

Dean shakes his head a little, not believing what he’s hearing. 

“How about we sit down,” Jessica says, smiling at Dean. He nods and takes a seat at the table across from Sam and Jessica. 

“So, how’ve you been?” Sam asks. Dean rests his hands on his lap and focuses on a scratch in the table. He debates whether or not to tell the truth, deciding not to. 

“I’m okay.” 

Sam smiles and looks over at Jessica. “That’s good! I’m glad to hear that. Tell me about your life, I feel like I don’t know anything about you anymore.”

“Yea, and who’s fault is that?” Dean asks snarkily. Sam’s face falls, as does Jessica’s. He feels some guilt rising up in his chest and looks down. “Sorry, uh--”

“No, you’re right. You don’t have to apologize,” Sam says. “I left. And I’m sorry, it haunts me everyday. I wish I never had left like that, it was the wrong way to handle things. But I’m serious, I want to make it up to. So please, tell me about yourself.” 

“Okay,” Dean says, hearing the honesty in Sam’s voice, “I uh, have been working at the garage with Bobby. I live in an apartment in Manhattan. I-- I am uh, seeing someone. What about you?” 

“You’re seeing someone! Who is she?” 

“Uh, his name is Cas,” Dean says. He sees Sam’s eyes widen and he waits for the other shoe to drop. He never came out to Sam and if Sam has the same views as their dad, he is strongly opposed to ‘gay people’. 

Sam schools his face and says, “Oh. I didn’t know that you-- um, yea. That’s great though, Dean. I’m happy for you. I’d like to meet him sometime, if you’re okay with it.”

“Oh-- Okay. But uh, tell me about yourself now.” 

“Well, you know I’m married to Jess. We met at Stanford and got married a few months ago. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t think you’d wanna see me,” Sam explains, voice sheepish. Dean says nothing, so Sam continues, “I’m still in school, pre-law.”

“That’s good, Sammy,” Dean says. He flushes when the nickname comes out, having not meant to say it. He used to call Sam it all the time and was always told not to. 

Today though, Sam just laughs, saying, “God, I haven’t heard that in forever. It’s nice to hear it again.” 

Dean’s face scrunches up in confusion, but he feels himself start to smile. He fleetingly thinks that he should tell Sam about the cancer, but he shoves it away. He doesn’t want to scare Sam away again, not when he is just coming back. 

“Dean?” Sam says, pulling him out of his thoughts. He looks at him and raises his eyes, telling him to continue. “I really am sorry, and if you could find it in you to forgive me, I really want to be a part of your life again. And I want you to be a part of mine.” 

“Okay, Sam,” Dean whispers, feeling tears well up in his eyes.

He hopes that this isn’t too good to be true. 

*** 

Cas is sitting on the couch watching TV when he hears the front door being unlocked. He looks up excitedly, having been waiting for Dean to get home for hours. He’d spent his day lazing around Dean’s apartment as instructed. 

He was worried about being by himself after yesterday. He still can’t believe he reacted so strongly; it’s part of the job to lose patients every once in awhile. But apparently yesterday’s loss hit him hard. Logically he knows there was nothing he could do, but emotionally, he can’t help but feel terribly guilty. 

And he’d been the one who had to inform the family of their lose. The devastation on their faces was too much to bare and he’s not ashamed to say that he cried as he gave his condolences. It had been very unprofessional, but he couldn’t help it. 

Dean comes into the apartment, a strange look on his face. He immediately sits down on the couch next to Cas and buries his face in Cas’s shoulder. 

“Dean?” Cas asks, wrapping an arm around him, “Are you okay?” 

A small smile on his face, Dean pulls back and looks at Cas. “Yea, yea I think I’m okay. You’ll never guess who I saw today.” 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today *might* be a double update day. I'm not sure. I'll try, but it will definitely be up late if it is. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I loved writing this one, for reasons that will become apparent soon. This may be my favorite chapter of the story so far! ;)
> 
> Also, a huge thank you all for the wonderful feedback you've been giving me. I love reading your comments and seeing what you're thinking about the story so far. All of your comments are so kind and really help me to see what you like and dislike about the story thus far. It not only makes me happy, but it helps motivate me to write. You guys are amazing, thank you so much. <3

****

Castiel spends thirty minutes the next morning tracing the lines of Dean’s face, thinking about how beautiful Dean is. He finds comfort in the warmth of Dean’s skin on his. Last night, after Dean had told him about Sam being in town, they’d ended up kissing, only going as far to take off their shirts.

After last night, after the needy heat behind their kisses, Castiel wishes he hadn’t told Dean he wanted to go slow. The memories of the first night keep filtering through his head and all he wants is, well, Dean. He wants to feel him, hear him-- everything. 

For now though, he’ll settle for having Dean’s naked torso against his. If it’s all he gets, he’ll take it happily. 

He’s not even sure why he told Dean he wanted to wait. At the time, when they didn’t know each other, it seemed like the right thing to do. He didn’t want Dean to just be a ‘fuck buddy’. He wants everything. He wants the dates, the stolen kisses, the soft touches, the hard times, the good times. 

All of it. 

But, most of all, he wants Dean to be better. The longer he thinks about it, the more he believes that Dean’s cancer is the reason Cas told Dean they should take it slow. He wants Dean to be cancer free before they do  _ it _ . He’s not sure if Dean can even have sex, he hasn’t asked Balthazar. Honestly, he’s not sure if he’s allowed to ask. 

Seeing Dean so happy yesterday was amazing. He had an extremely bright smile on his face the whole night, something Cas could get used to. And Dean had been so cuddly and soft, even when they went to bed. He instantly had pressed himself against Cas’s side and put his head under Cas’s chin. 

It was everything Cas wants. 

He secretly hopes that Sam sticks around. He wasn’t around the first time Sam left, but he’s sure it wasn’t a pretty sight. He doesn’t want to have to see Dean heartbroken. Cas knows that Dean likes to keep up a tough-guy facade, but he is so soft hearted and caring. 

Castiel also knows how much Dean loves his brother. He’d do anything for him, that much isn’t a secret. Dean may have been hurt by Sam’s leaving, but Cas has a feeling that he’s already forgiven him. 

As little as Castiel trusts Sam to not hurt Dean, he still wants to meet him. Sam is a huge piece of Dean’s life, that is obvious, and Cas wants to get to know that piece. It’s a section of Dean’s life that Cas hasn’t really had a glimpse into, but one that he feels is a big reason Dean is the way he is. 

Castiel gently traces Dean’s jawline with his fingertips, looking down in awe. He is in awe of how peaceful Dean looks when he is sleeping. It’s something Cas has noticed the past few times they woke up together. It’s like Dean no longer has all of this hidden guilt and self-loathing on his shoulders. 

The longer Cas traces Dean’s facial features, the more Dean begins to wake up. Castiel smiles when Dean’s eyes open and focus on him. 

“Morning,” he whispers, ducking his head down to place a gentle kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean smiles, then almost instantly, his face scrunches up. “Are you alright?” 

His face still contorted in pain, Dean answers, “Uh, yea. J- Just a headache.” 

Cas hums, concerned, and places a featherlight kiss to Dean’s forehead. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, keeping his voice down to keep from worsening Dean’s headache. Dean smiles and slides a hand around to the nape of Cas’s neck. He pulls him down for another kiss, which Cas struggles to keep chaste. 

“How about you go take a shower?” Cas says, smiling down at Dean’s mock-offended expression. “It might help your headache. You should listen to me, I’m a doctor.” 

Dean barks a laugh, but his eyes fly shut immediately. “Ow. Don’t make me laugh.”

“My apologies,” Cas says. “Go shower and I’ll make us some breakfast. Sound good?”

Opening one eye to peek at Cas, Dean asks, “Will there be bacon?” 

“Of course.” 

“God you’re perfect,” Dean whispers, pulling Cas down for another kiss. Cas feels Dean’s hands slide down his torso and he pulls himself away. 

“Ah ah ah, none of that,” he laughs, leaning down to place one more quick peck to Dean’s pouted lips. He rolls out of bed and feels Dean reach for him again. He quickly stands up, laughing. Dean sighs and Castiel can see his eyes go up and down his body.

Glancing down, he realizes he is only in boxers. “Oh,” he says, “I should get dressed, shouldn’t I?” 

“That would be against the law,” comes the deadpanned answer. 

“Oh? And what country would that law belong to?” Cas laughs, walking around the bed and putting his hand on his hip. 

Dean hesitates before answering proudly, “My kingdom. I hereby decree that you must walk around the apartment wearing only your underwear. Or, even better, nothing.” Dean rolls over and winks at Cas seductively. 

Laughing, Cas says, “You are in a good mood for having a headache.” 

“I guess I just have a lot to be happy about-- Sammy is back and I woke up in your arms, what’s to complain about?” Dean says, grinning. Castiel can still see that he’s in pain from the way he’s squinting, but he’s happy that Dean’s at least in a good mood. 

“Good point. Now, go shower,” Cas says.  

Dean puts two fingers to his forehead, saluting. “Aye aye, captain.” 

*** 

Castiel has an apron tied around his bare torso as he starts frying the bacon. He knows that Dean will make fun of him when he sees the apron, but at least he’s still only in his boxers. 

He thought about taking off his boxers to surprise Dean, knowing damn well what that would lead to. But, after thinking it through, decides not to. He doesn’t want to move the relationship too fast, though he is getting frustrated. The thought of hearing Dean again-- the breathy moans, the low groans, the high whimpers. 

Damn. 

Castiel shakes his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts that are beginning to make him harden. Considering the fact that he’s only in boxers, he doesn’t think that this would be a good way to keep the relationship slow. 

He flips the bacon, looking out the window at the lightly falling snow. His mind begins to wander when he hears a thud from the bathroom. 

“Dean?” he shouts, quickly becoming concerned. He doesn’t hear Dean shout anything back, so he pulls the bacon pan of the stove and turns off the burner. He runs to the bathroom door and knocks loudly, yelling, “Dean, are you okay?”

When Dean doesn’t answers, Castiel grabs the doorknob and twists is quickly. Finding it locked, he throws his shoulder against the door. 

“Dean! Open the door, or answer,” he says, panicked. “Please, Dean! Open the door!”

He steps back and throws his whole body against the door, crashing through into the room. Looking around frantically, he sees Dean’s hand hanging limply from the bottom of the shower curtain. 

Running forward, Cas shouts, “Dean!” He rips the shower curtain open, Dean’s nudity not registering in his mind.  

He finds Dean laying on the floor of the shower, unconscious. The water is hitting Dean’s face, so Cas reaches over and shuts it off. He crouches over Dean, straddling his torso. His mind is frantic, his thoughts unorganized and panicked. He curses at himself, telling himself to act like a doctor, but is unable to pull himself together. 

“Oh god, oh god,” he whispers. He presses his finger to Dean’s pulse, releasing a relieved breath when he finds one. Then, as if someone flipped a switch, Dean begins seizing. The sound of his limbs hitting the floor of the shower fill the room and Cas has to keep himself from screaming. 

He pushes himself off of Dean immediately and rolls Dean on his side. After opening Dean’s mouth so he doesn’t choke, he grabs Dean’s head to keep him from getting a concussion.

Small whimpers and soft moans sound in the back of Dean’s throat. “Sh,” Castiel says, feeling tears run down his cheeks. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay. You’ll get through this, you’ll be okay.” 

He reaches back behind himself to where his pocket should be, trying to find his phone. “Shit,” he mutters, realizing that he’s only in boxers. “Fuck, fuck, oh god. What do I do?” he whispers. 

It’s as if all of his medical training has gone out the window. He doesn’t know what to do. Finally, after what Cas thinks is an eternity, Dean goes still with a groan. Castiel turns him on his back again, gently putting his head down. 

“I’ll be right back, darling,” Cas sobs. “I’ll be right back.” 

He pulls himself up and sprints into the bedroom, grabbing his jeans. He tugs them on roughly, pulling his phone of his pocket at the same time. Not bothering with a shirt, he flips open the phone and hits the speed dial for the one person he thinks could help. 

“Cassie, darling--” 

“Balth,” Cas chokes out as he runs back to where Dean lies in the bathroom. “He had a seizure, he had a seizure and I don’t know what to do.” 

On the other line, Balthazar inhales. “Castiel, you need to calm down. Breath. Tell me what happened.” 

Castiel nods, tears streaming down his face. He sobs, crouching next to Dean again. Running a soft hand over Dean’s cheek, he says, “I-I was making breakfast. He was- was in the shower. He woke up with a headache and I th-thought it would help. I heard him fall, Balth, and when I came in he started seizing.” 

“Alright, Cas, you really need to calm down,” Balthazar says, his voice strong. “Now, I’m going to send an ambulance. You need to get Dean ready to come to the hospital, can you do that?” 

“Yes, yes,” Cas whimpers. Dean makes a small moan from where he is on the floor and Cas runs a hand through Dean’s hair, whispering, “I know, I know baby. It’s okay.” 

“Okay, the ambulance will be there in a few minutes. Do you need me to stay on the phone?” 

“No, just get ready for him, okay?” Cas says. “You gotta take care of him, Balth, you have to get him better.” 

“I will, Cassie.” With that, Balthazar hangs up the phone and Cas tosses his across the room. It lands with a crash on the tile floor. 

Hands shaking, Castiel grabs a towel from the counter and begins gently drying Dean off. Dean moans as Cas dries him off, making Cas begin crying again. “I’m sorry, it’ll be over soon,” he whispers. 

He finishes the job quickly and runs into the bedroom, grabbing a pair of Dean’s favorite sweatpants from the closet. Just as he gets the up over Dean’s hips, a knock sounds at the door. 

“Come in!” he shouts. He hears the door swing open and then there are paramedics in the bathroom with a stretcher, picking Dean up and strapping him in. Cas follows the down to the ambulance and is shocked when one of the paramedics steps in front of him. 

“Sir? What is your relation to the patient?” she asks, her voice hurried. 

Knowing that ‘boyfriend’ won’t allow him on the ambulance with Dean, Cas says, “I’m a doctor.” Without giving the women a chance to answer, Castiel walks forward and hops into the ambulance, grabbing Dean’s hand and holding it tightly. 

***

Balthazar is waiting at the doors when the ambulance arrives. When they pull Dean out on the stretcher, he walks forward and checks him immediately. Castiel hops out of the ambulance last, the cold air hitting his bare torso going unnoticed. 

He wasn’t able to keep himself from crying on the way there. The small noises Dean kept making while they treated him were tearing Cas apart from the inside out. Balthazar turns and looks at him, his face the epitome of a doctor. 

“Cas,” he says, walking forward and pulling Cas into a brief hug. “Go to the waiting room and I’ll come get you when I know anything.” 

Castiel does as told and sits in the waiting room for two hours. Well, after going to his office to grab a spare jacket, that is. He realizes soon into the first hour that he left his phone lying on the bathroom floor. 

The wait is killing him. The longer he goes without word, the worse things he imagines. Does Dean have brain bleed? Is he having more seizures? 

By the time Balthazar comes out, Castiel has worked himself up to the verge of a panic attack. Balthazar comes forward and pulls Cas in for a tight hug, allowing Cas to lean into him. 

“Please tell me you have good news,” Castiel says, pulling away. He wipes away the few stray tears that fall, trying to keep himself together. 

“I do,” Balthazar says, his voice serious. “He’s no longer seizing. This was one of the complications of his tumor and he should be expecting to have more--”

“I thought you said this was good news.” 

“It is. I will show you both what to do when this happens, so you won’t freak out again. My good news,” Balthazar says, with a smile, “is that he’s awake and asking for you.” 

Castiel sighs in relief and Balthazar leads him to Dean’s room without another word. They walk in and, sure enough, Dean is sitting up in bed, his green eyes wide open. When Cas steps in the room, a bright smile falls into place on Dean’s face. 

“Cas,” he says. Castiel forces himself to walk, not run, over to Dean’s bed. He throws his arms around Dean and buries his head in Dean’s neck. Loud sobs shake Cas’s body and echo around the room. “Sh, I’m alright,” Dean mutters, rubbing Cas’s back. “I’m okay.” 

“Oh god, Dean,” Cas whispers into Dean’s neck. “Don’t do that again, I can’t-- I can’t--” 

“Hey, it’s alright,” Dean interrupts. Cas pulls away and kisses Dean before pushing himself back into Dean’s arms. “So doc, what’s the word?” 

Having forgotten Balthazar was in the room, Cas pulls back, a blush rising on his cheeks. He stands up to face him, lacing his hand into Dean’s. 

“Well, it’s a good thing your surgery is scheduled for so soon,” Balthazar begins. “If it wasn’t, I would say we need to do it today, but I think we can wait a week. The seizures, though painful and shocking, are nothing to really worry about as long as they are handled correctly. However, I will prescribe you something that will help with them.” 

“You are free to be released today, as you have no other injuries. I will be calling tomorrow to see how you are feeling, but I recommend just living out your life as normal until the surgery.” 

The words hang in the air for a minute before Dean nods, saying, “Okay then. I can do that. Thanks, Dr. Roche.” 

***

The ride home is quiet. Since Castiel had gone to the hospital in the ambulance, the pair had to take a cab back to Dean’s apartment. The entire ride, Castiel stays pressed into Dean with his arms around Dean’s middle. 

“Cas, it’s okay,” Dean whispers at one point. Cas realizes that he is shaking and mumbles a quick ‘sorry.’ “It’s alright. Just calm down. We’re almost back,” comes the whispered reply. Cas feels Dean place a kiss to the top of his head and tightens his arms around Dean’s middle. 

When they get back to the apartment, Cas walks into the bathroom to grab his phone. He finds it exactly the way it was-- water on the floor, the shower curtain in disarray, a towel thrown in the middle of the room. 

The memory of Dean laying on the floor, seizing, filters through Cas’s head for the millionth time that day. He feels something snap inside of him. His knees buckle and, with a sob, he slides to the ground. 

He puts his head in his hands and begins crying uncontrollably, loud sobs wracking his body. Strong arms surround him and he’s pressed up against someone’s chest. He wraps his hands around Dean’s body and his hands grip onto the back of Dean’s sweatshirt that the hospital gave him. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Dean is whispering. “It’s alright. I’m okay.” 

“You- you were seizing, Dean. You- you,” Cas chokes out. He begins muttering, completely unaware of what he’s saying. “I can’t lose you, I can’t do it,” he chants over and over. 

“You won’t,” Dean says. He leans back and tilts Cas’s face up to look at him. He leans down and presses a hard, reassuring kiss to Cas’s lips. “You won’t lose me.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out so much longer than expected! I'm hoping to get the next chapter up tonight, but it will be really late. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!!!

Dean was rudely awakened the next morning by his phone going off. Somehow, Castiel managed to sleep through the annoying sound and stayed pressed against Dean’s chest. Last night Cas had been attached to Dean’s hip, something that would be annoying to other people, but not Dean. Especially not after what happened when they got home.

Seeing Castiel break like that-- it was awful. Dean never wants to see him like that again. Cas always seems so strong, indestructible, and having him sobbing in Dean’s arms was heartbreaking.

Eventually, Dean got Cas to calm down, but it took a long time for him to actually seem okay. He kept shaking the whole night, even in his sleep. When they’d gotten in bed together, which Dean has become used to, Cas wrapped himself around Dean immediately. He didn’t move from his position at Dean’s side and wouldn’t allow Dean to move, not that Dean wanted to.

Keeping quiet, so as not to wake Cas, Dean asks, “Hello?”

“Hey, Dean,” comes a familiar voice from the other line. “It’s Sam. Jess gave me your number, I hope that’s okay.”

“Yea, that’s fine,” Dean says awkwardly. “Uh, what’s up?”

There’s rustling from the other line, accompanied by muffled voices. “Well, Jess and I were wondering if you would want to have dinner tonight? You could bring Cas too, if you wanted.”

Dean looks down at Cas, who is still sleeping peacefully. He has been thinking about whether or not he wants to introduce Sam and Cas, well, for the whole two days since seeing Sam again. He wants Cas to meet Sam. Cas and he may not have had a talk about what their relationship is, but Dean knows that Cas is important to him. Sam should know that.

“Okay,” Dean answers after a moment of hesitation. “Uh, actually, do you and Jess want to come to my apartment? Cas and I could make dinner for you.”

More muffled voices sound over the line before Sam answers, “That- that would be great, Dean. We’d love to.”

Smiling, Dean says, “Okay. Is seven o’clock work for you?”

“Yea, that’s fine. We’ll see you then,” Sam says. Then, as an afterthought, adds, “Can you text me the address?”

Dean can’t keep himself from laughing and feels Cas stir. He looks down and finds Cas’s baby blues staring up at him, bleary with sleep. “Sorry,” Dean whispers before answering Sam. “Sure man, I’ll send it to ya.”

After a few quick goodbyes, Dean hangs up the phone and leans down to gently kiss a still-sleepy Cas.

“Mmmm, who was that?” Cas asks after Dean pulls away.

Running a hand through Cas’s bed head, Dean answers, “It was Sam. He and Jessica are gonna come over for dinner tonight. I was wondering-- well, do you wanna stay? I mean, they wanna meet you and I thought maybe you’d want to meet them.”

Cas blinks up at Dean, his eyes wide. He nods, opening his mouth as if to say something but closing it again. Instead, he pushes himself upward to kiss Dean again, this time with a heat behind it.

Dean slides his hand up from where it rests on Cas’s arm to cup his jaw. He holds Cas in place and slides his tongue against Cas’s. The small moan that sounds in the back of Cas’s jaw motivates Dean to repeat the action.

He wants to take it farther.

God knows he wants it so badly. To hear Cas, to feel him. He’s not sure why Cas said that they should take it slow. Dean knows he probably has a good reason, but he just wishes he didn’t have a reason at all.

Thanksgiving night was amazing. Dean’s never had sex like that, and they didn’t even go as far as they could’ve. He thinks Castiel wants to go farther too, but something must be holding him back.

Dean has to admit, he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to have sex. So, he voiced his concerns to Dr. Roche, who told him he was a-okay to do it. He said to make sure that he is careful, but that’s it’s okay.

Moving his hand to Cas’s back, he pulls Cas closer into his chest. He rolls his hips forward unconsciously and feels Cas press his hips into Dean’s.

“Dean,” Cas whispers into Dean’s lips. “W-we can’t.”

Humming in agreement, Dean slides his hand back to cup Cas’s ass. He kisses down Cas’s jaw and sucks a kiss under Cas’s earlobe. He feels Cas’s hands slide up his neck and tangle in his hair.

When Dean rolls his hips again, Castiel pulls himself away quickly, as if someone just shocked him. Dean groans and lets his head fall onto his pillow.

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “I want to-- I do. But, just, not yet. Okay?”

Dean nods and pushes himself up to look at Cas. He runs a soft hand over Cas’s jaw and says, “It’s okay. We can wait.”

***

Dean and Castiel are setting the small dining table when there’s a knock at the door. The two look at each other with wide eyes and Dean sets the plates he’s been holding down. He wipes his hands on his jeans and walks around the table to Cas, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

“I’ll get it,” he says, already on the way to the door. Each step he takes makes his stomach do a nervous flip. His worry about introducing Sam and Cas has been growing the whole day. Not because of anything Cas has done badly, more because of how amazing Cas was today.

All day Castiel has been helping Dean in little ways, things that shouldn’t make Dean feel the warmth for Cas that he does. Things like drying the freshly-washed dishes, helping Dean fold laundry, and offering to vacuum while Dean made dinner. Today was the epitome of ‘domestic living’, something Dean always claimed to hate.

He definitely doesn’t hate it anymore.

And now, looking back at Cas, who is wearing Dean’s clothes, Dean wants every day to be like today. He wants to see Cas in his jeans, which hang dangerously low from Cas’s hips. He wants to see Cas in his t-shirts that are just a size too big on Cas. He wants Cas permanently in his life, because he already can’t imagine life without him.

Which is why he’s so nervous to introduce Sam and Cas. What if they don’t get along? Dean wants both of them to be in his life, so they have to. He’s more nervous about what Cas will think of Sam than the other way around-- Sam, at least the one Dean knows, can get along with anybody. He’s sure Cas can too, but it’s important.

He feels like a teenager bringing over their first date to meet their parents.

Shaking his head to get rid of these thoughts that have been constantly swirling around in his mind today, Dean swings the door open. “Hi. Come on in,” he says with a smile.

Sam and Jess smile as they walk into the apartment. Dean looks around and suddenly realizes how many things are messed up in his apartment-- The couch cushions, there’s dust on the shelves, a messed up stack of magazines on the coffee table.

As soon as they’re in the apartment, Jess is walking forward and wrapping her arms around Dean. Dean does the same, feeling strangely comforted by Jess’s embrace already. When she steps back, Sam takes her place, pulling Dean in close like they used to when they were younger.

“It’s good to see ya again,” Sam says, stepping back. Dean nods in agreement, spotting Cas walking into the room. He feels his face break into a grin and he gestures for Cas to come over.

“Sam, Jess-- this is Castiel Novak,” Dean says as Cas comes to stand next to him. “Cas, this is Sam and Jess.”

Castiel smiles and extends his hand out to them, saying, “It’s nice to get to meet you. I’ve heard lots about the both of you.”

Taking Cas’s offered hand, Sam says, “It’s great to meet you too. When my brother told me he met someone, I was shocked-- I never thought I’d hear those words.” Dean feels himself flush at the not-so-subtle reminder of how much he used to sleep around. “But, I’m happy I did.”

“We’re not actually--”

“Thank you Sam,” Cas interrupts, lacing his fingers through Dean’s. Dean looks over at Cas with wide eyes, wondering if he knows what he’s implying.

“So uh, who’s hungry?” Dean asks, trying to pull the attention away from he and Cas’s relationship. Without waiting for an answer, Dean pulls Cas along with him to the dining room, forcing himself to not smile.

***

“So, how did you two meet?” Jess asks in the middle of dinner. Both Cas and Dean pause, Cas with his fork halfway to his mouth and Dean sitting down his drink. Dean chuckles a little and looks at Cas, smiling a little.

He decides that he wants to tell the actual story. They don’t have anything to hide, except the cancer part.

“Well, it was on Thanksgiving,” Dean begins. “I was at a bar--”

“True Dean fashion,” Sam interrupts, laughing.

Dean smacks his arm teasingly, saying, “Do you wanna know the story or not?” Sam nods, gesturing for Dean to continue. “Anyways, I was at a bar and this guy sits down right next to me. It was Cas, obviously. He starts up a conversation, which I was not in the mood for, but I was nice anyways.”

“And we talked for a while, the guy buys me a drink and-- well, the rest is history,” Dean says, leaving out the gory details.

“That’s really sweet,” Jess says, continuing, “how you went from absolute strangers to a couple in such a short time.”

Dean blushes, glancing over at Cas. Hearing someone put that way makes it all sound so cheesy. It’s like their story was pulled out of one of the chick flicks Dean despises. But, he doesn’t mind. It really is sweet, not that he’ll admit it out loud.

“What about you and Sam?” Cas asks, placing his hand on Dean’s leg under the table.

Jess smiles and says, “Well, we started out as friends. I knew he liked me, he wasn’t exactly subtle. Eventually he asked me out, though it took a while. I said yes, of course, and here we are.”

“That’s really nice too. You guys are good together,” Cas says. Dean nods in agreement. He is really happy that Sam found Jess, she seems really good for him.

“Hey, I have a good idea,” Sam says after a moment. “Would you guys want to visit Stanford sometime? I could show you around.”

Dean grins and answers, “That sounds like fun. What do you think, Cas? Wanna take a visit to California? We could make a week out of it or something.”

The idea of going to Stanford actually makes Dean really nervous. When Sam left, it felt like Stanford was stealing him away. That it wasn’t Dean pushing him away, more like he was being pulled to California. But, this feels like it could be a major step for them, so he’ll suck it up.

“I think it sounds like fun,” Cas starts, hesitantly. “But you’ll need to make sure you’re fully recovered before taking such a long trip.”

The table falls silent, Cas’s words hanging over them.

“Recover from what?” Sam asks, his tone showing his confusion. Dean looks over at Cas, who is covering his mouth with his hand in shock. Cas shakes his head slightly, his eyes wide.

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I didn’t mean to--”

“Dean?” Sam interrupts, voice tight. “Recover from what?”

Sighing, Dean answers in a forced-nonchalant tone, “Uh, surgery.” He looks back over at Cas, who now has his head in his hands. “I have a surgery scheduled for next week.”

Sam’s face scrunches up in confusion as he asks, “Surgery for what? I don’t understand, you didn’t mention surgery before.”

Fixing a steely-eyed glare on Sam, Dean says, “It’s not important. Drop it, Sam.”

He knew Sam would find out eventually, but Dean always thought it would be on his own time. He thought he’d get to tell Sam himself, after they had gotten back on track. Sam just got back and Dean doesn’t want his goddamn cancer to get in the way of them resolving things.

Not that Dean thinks Sam would run because he’s sick. It’s more of him knowing that Sam would stick around and coddle him until he was better. Dean doesn’t think that it will help them fix the problems from when Sam left, it’ll just make Sam bury them. Dean doesn’t want to do that, he wants to work through them, like they should’ve in the first place.

“No,” Sam says, getting angry. “What is it for? Are you sick?”

Jess places a hand on Sam’s arm and says, “Sam, maybe you should just--”

“I’m not gonna let this go. I’m sorry, Dean, but you’re going to have to tell me,” Sam says. The tension in the room is palpable, making it hard to breath.

“It’s none of your fucking business, Sam,” Dean growls. “It’s not serious, can you just let it go?”

Sam shakes his head and shouts, “If it wasn’t serious, you wouldn’t be hiding it. We may not have seen each other for a while, but I still know you. Just tell me what it is.”

“Fine,” Dean says, his voice dangerously low. “You wanna know so fucking badly? It’s cancer, Sam. Are you happy now?”

Once again the room falls silent, save for Jess and Sam’s matching gasps. Cas flinches when Dean drops his fork on his plate and stands up, his chair screeching across the floor.

He doesn’t look at anybody when he says, “Thanks for coming. Cas can show you out,” before he storms into his bedroom and slams the door shut.

***

The guilt is eating Castiel alive.

After letting Sam and Jess out, apologizing profusely for how the night turned out, he sits down on the couch. He rests his head in his hands and groans, cursing at himself. He shakes his head in self-loathing, trying to keep himself from breaking down.

He doesn’t know what happened. Of course he knew Dean didn’t want to tell Sam yet, that was obvious. But, it just slipped out. Right when he said it he regretted it. He saw the horror fill into Dean’s eyes when the words came out, like he couldn’t believe Cas had just said that.

Cas couldn’t believe it either.

And then Dean got into a fight with Sam-- they had just made up! But Cas had to go and ruin everything. All of these thoughts whirl around his mind, his hatred of himself growing with each passing second.

After sitting for what feels like forever, Cas decides he needs to go ‘face the music’. He stands up, his knees popping from being in the same position for so long. He walks to Dean’s closed bedroom door and knocks hesitantly.

“Dean?” he says, his voice cracking from unshed tears.

There’s rustling from the other side of the door before Dean answers in a tired voice, “Come in.”

Cas opens the door slowly, his movements hesitant. He’s not sure how angry Dean is going to be with him, but he can guess that he is pretty upset. Walking into the room, Cas finds Dean sitting on his bed, leaning up against the headboard.

Freezing in the doorway, Cas begins, “I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to--”

“I know,” Dean says, his voice sounding tired. Sighing, Dean gestures for Cas to come over to the bed. “C’mere.”

Walking slowly, Cas goes to the bed and sits down next to Dean. He swings his feet up onto the mattress and leans against the headboard too. He flinches slightly when Dean’s arm slides around his back and pulls him into Dean’s chest.

“I’m not mad,” Dean whispers, leaning his head against Cas’s. “I was, at first. I wish you hadn’t said it, but you didn’t mean to. He was going to find out eventually, I didn’t expect it to be tonight, but it happened. It’s okay.”

Surprised, Cas leans his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean’s words do nothing to make him feel any less sorry. But he wants to believe that they are okay. So, for tonight, he decides to drop it.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! It took a while, but I finally got the second chapter for today done. I hope you guys enjoy it. It gets a little smutty in this chapter. ;) *Chapter has now been beta'd

Two days later, Castiel wakes up in Dean’s arms once again, his head pressed against Dean’s torso. He can feel Dean breathing, his chest rising and falling slowly. He can hear Dean snoring lightly, something Castiel finds adorable. 

Yesterday had been weird. There was still a tension from the dinner with Sam and Jess, but it showed itself more in Dean’s silence. He didn’t seem angry with Cas, as he was still wanting to be near him. But, Dean didn’t speak much. 

It was a little awkward, but Cas just held him close and did his best to make him feel better. They spent the whole day hanging around the apartment and watching movies on the couch. It was all that Dean really seemed interested in. 

In his sleep, Dean still looks peaceful. Castiel pushes himself up and runs a hand along Dean’s jaw line. 

He still wishes he hadn’t let it slip that Dean was going to have surgery. It doesn’t matter how many times Dean assured him yesterday that he wasn’t upset. Cas knows his telling Sam and Jess is causing Dean a lot of stress and upset, which makes him feel absolutely terrible. 

Dean’s eyes flutter open and settle on Cas’s face, a small smile falling into place on Dean’s lips. “Morning,” he whispers, his voice cracking with sleep. 

“Good morning,” Cas whispers back. Dean’s hand runs softly over Cas’s cheek, like Dean’s doing it without realizing he is. Dean smiles and his other arm tightens slightly around Cas’s middle. 

“What are your plans today?” Dean asks softly. Cas shrugs and lays his head back on Dean’s chest. 

“Well, I have to go to my place and grab some clothes,” he says, chuckling a little bit. He’s been borrowing Dean’s clothes for the past three days. Not that he minds, but he doesn’t want to inconvenience Dean any longer. 

Dean laughs too, then cuts off suddenly. Cas pushes himself up again and looks at Dean curiously. “What’s wrong?” he asks,. Dean shakes his head, his eyebrows furrowed in thought. 

“Um-- I was just uh, thinking,” Dean begins, trailing off for a moment. Inhaling, he says, “Maybe you should just uh, bring your stuff… here. If you wanted to, I mean.” 

Castiel tilts his head in confusion, not quite understanding what Dean is trying to say. He furrows his brows, asking, “Are you asking me to move in?” 

Dean huffs for a moment, shaking his head and babbling. “No, not if uh-- I mean, if you wanted to, then yes. But not if that is too soon and stuff, then forget I said anything because that’s uh-- yea, no I’m--”

Castiel pushes himself up and presses a kiss to Dean’s lips, stopping him from talking. A small noise sounds in the back of Dean’s throat and he takes a minute to kiss back. Cas slides his hand up to cup Dean’s jaw gently, smiling into the kiss. 

He moves himself to straddle Dean’s hips and feels Dean move his hands to rest on the small of Cas’s back. Heat quickly begins pooling in the bottom of Cas’s stomach. It grows more intense as Dean’s hips buck when Cas moves his lips to Dean’s neck. Cas can feel Dean growing harder already and knows he’s doing the same. 

But, this time, he doesn’t want to stop. The thought of it makes a whine work it’s way out of his throat. Dean shushes him and runs a hand up into Cas’s hair. Cas grinds his hips down involuntarily, his bare chest pressing against Dean’s. 

The feeling of skin on skin only serves to make Cas crave it even more and he feels his cock harden. Dean moans, the sound bouncing off of the room’s walls, as Cas kisses him again. He slides his tongue against Dean’s, making both of them gasping into the kiss. 

A nagging thought that they need to stop keeps filtering through Cas’s mind. As hard as he tries to push it away, he can’t do it. He pushes himself up, a disappointed groan making it’s way past Dean’s lips.

“Wait,” Cas gasps as Dean tries to follow him forward. “I-I don’t know if you can--” he trails off. Dean looks at him, his face showing his confusion. “If you can have sex.” 

Much to Cas’s embarrassment, Dean starts laughing. He throws his head down on the pillow, his throat rippling. Cas feels a hot blush rise into his cheeks and his arousal diminishing all together from humiliation. 

“It was just a question,” he grumbles, starting to push himself off of Dean. Dean’s laughter cuts off and his strong hands fall on Cas’s hips, holding him in place. Cas looks down at him, feeling his lips working into a pout. 

“No, no, babe,” Dean says, shaking his head. There’s still a hint of humor in his voice, but it sounds like he’s trying to get rid of it. “I wasn’t laughing at you, I promise. I just-- I was worried about that too. I asked Dr. Roche and he said it was okay.”

It takes Cas a moment to understand what Dean said, but when he does, his face breaks into a large grin. 

“You did?” he chuckles. Dean nods, smiling too. Cas leans down again kisses Dean, the heat in his stomach coming back in record time. “Well then, where were we?” he whispers against Dean’s lips. 

“Right here, I think,” Dean says, rolling his hips up. Their cocks slide together through their boxers and their moans fill the room. “Cas?” Dean asks in a gasp. “Was that a yes?” 

Cas grinds his hips down on Dean’s growing erection, moaning, “God yes.” He leans down and presses quick pecks to every inch of Dean’s face, murmuring, “yes,” in between each one. 

Dean laughs lightly, sliding his hands up into Cas’s hair. Dean pulls him down so their mouths are together again, their tongues sliding against each other. Cas thinks he could get lost in Dean’s taste-- something deep and musky. It’s not anything Cas has tasted before, it belongs completely to Dean. 

When Dean’s hips lift up into Cas’s, Cas feels how hard they’ve both become. Gasping, he rocks his hips forward, feeling Dean do the same. Their dicks slide together and they set into a rhythm. 

The friction is too much and not enough all at the same time. Cas moans and presses himself into Dean as close as he can, keeping their lips pressed together. Dean’s arms wind around his back and pull him close too. 

Cas flinches when Dean sits up without warning, his arms keeping Cas in place against his chest. The new position makes it easier for both of them to slide against the other and they easily fall back into the easy grind. 

Slowly, Cas slides his hands into Dean’s hair and tugs lightly, loving the whine it pulls from Dean. “Dean,” he gasps, throwing his head back. Dean’s lips latch onto the hard spot on his throat and he feels Dean’s teeth scrape his skin. 

A shudder runs through Cas’s body and he can feel Dean smiling against his skin. Cas grinds down, hard this time, and chuckles at Dean’s particularly loud moan. 

“Asshole,” Dean whispers. He slides his hands down to cup Cas’s ass, like he’s making a point. Cas huffs a laugh, which turns to a moan when their cocks slide together once again. 

As Dean’s hips roll up again, Cas feels a jolt of heat run through his body again. He drops his head against Dean’s neck, moaning obscenely. 

Dean’s teeth run over Cas’s earlobe before he whispers, “Come for me, Cas.” 

The tone of voice Dean uses is what does Cas in. He grinds down once more before he feels his body pull taut and then he is coming. Dean’s name falls off of his lips in a chant as his body spasms before falling limp against Dean’s. 

As the rush begins to wear away, Cas realizes Dean hasn’t come yet. He forces himself to pull off of Dean and begins sliding his hand down Dean’s torso before Dean grabs his wrist. 

“It’s okay,” he says, his voice rough. 

Cas shakes his head, whispering, “I want to.” 

“No, really. I uh- I finished,” Dean says, chuckling. Cas flushes and presses forward to kiss Dean once more. Dean slowly lays back on the bed, keeping Cas held close. “We’ll go get your stuff later today,” he says. 

“That sounds like a good plan.” 

***

“Where are we going now?” Cas asks, squeezing Dean’s hand with his own. Dean shrugs and looks over at him, his eyes wide and sparkling. 

“Can’t ruin the surprise now, can I?” he replies, his voice full of excitement. Castiel looks out the window, looking for a hint. 

They’re on their way back to Dean’s-- their apartment, having picked up all of Cas’s clothes. The plan is to move the rest of his things later, though he is thinking of selling most of it. The only thing he can think of that he wants to keep is his piano. He’s just not sure where they’d put it in Dean’s little apartment. 

He can put it in storage until they move into a bigger place. 

Cas shakes his head at himself. They’re not even living together yet, but he’s already making plans for the future? He shouts at himself, telling him to get a grip. He doesn’t want to push Dean too quickly. 

But, he’s so excited. He may have been a little ‘distracted’ earlier, when Dean first asked, but he is thrilled to start his life with Dean. 

They end up in the parking lot of a craft store, which only serves to confuse Cas more. Cas follows Dean’s lead and gets out of the car, shooting him a curious look. Dean just winks and walks over to him, sliding his hand in Cas’s once again. 

“Dean, what are we doing here?” Cas laughs. “You don’t exactly do ‘crafts’.” 

Laughing, Dean says, “No I do not. But, you know what they have here around Christmas time?” He looks over at Cas and explains, “Decorations. You know, like for trees and shit.” 

Castiel nods, but he’s still confused. “Wait, why do we need decorations?” 

“Because we are gonna need them for our tree,” Dean says like it’s obvious. Cas stops, turning to face Dean. He tilts his head and furrows his eyebrows. 

“We have a tree?” 

“Yes. You’re not getting this, are you?” Dean sighs before leaning forward to kiss Cas’s cheek. “I thought you may wanna decorate the apartment for Christmas.” 

It takes a moment for Dean’s words to sink in, but when they do, Cas feels his face break into a wide grin. “Really?” he asks. He can feel himself bouncing on the balls of his feet slightly. Dean laughs and nods, grabbing his hand again and pulling Cas towards the store. 

The inside of the store is, in Cas’s mind, amazing. There are Christmas lights everywhere you look, tall shelves holding every color of ornament imaginable, and various wrapping paper in containers on the floor. Dean walks over with a cart and takes Cas’s hand, looking over at him. 

“Ready?” Dean asks, smiling. Cas nods and drags Dean towards one of the shelves with tree ornaments. He takes his time looking at each color, Dean standing behind him patiently. After two shelves, Cas finds bright green ornaments with silver sparkles making a pattern on them. 

He turns them back to Dean, raising an eyebrow in question. “You can get whichever you want. But,” Dean says, walking over and grabbing a package of dark blue ornaments, “we have to get these too.” 

Cas smiles, saying, “Deal. Now, white lights or colored?” 

“White,” Dean answers after a moment. Castiel nods in agreement, grabbing a couple of strands of lights. 

After grabbing a few more random decorations for the apartment, they check out. Cas offers to pay, especially after seeing how much the bill is, but Dean refuses. When they get back to the car, Dean once again takes them to a ‘mystery destination’, or so he calls it. This time, it ends up being a Christmas tree farm that lies a few miles out of town. 

Dean pulls an axe out of the back of the Impala, which he’d decided to take to get Cas’s stuff instead of a cab. Cas looks at Dean with a confused look, wondering why he has an axe in his trunk. 

“It comes in handy,” Dean says, shrugging. Cas laughs and nods in agreement. 

Cas grabs Dean’s hand as Dean leads him through the trees, each looking for the perfect tree. 

“What about that one?” Cas asks, pointing to a short, squatty tree. Dean walks around the tree for a moment, his eyes narrow as he looks at it. 

“I’m not sure,” he says. “It’s a little thin.”

Walking over to Dean again and placing a hand on his arm, Cas says, “I don’t know, I like it. It’s unique.” 

Castiel feels Dean’s eyes on him as he looks at the tree. He does like it a lot. It doesn’t look like the other ones they’ve seen. He thinks it just needs some ornaments and lights, then it will be just as nice as the others. 

“You really like it?” Dean asks. 

Cas looks over and smiles, saying, “I do.” 

Shrugging, Dean says, “Well, okay then. We’ll get this one.” 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is a little weird just because it's one long scene without any breaks. Again, please excuse mistakes as it's un-beta'd (my beta is currently travelling for Christmas and I don't want to take away from her spending time with family). Also, I'm sorry that this chapter is so short, but I'm hoping that today will be another day with double updates to make up for it.
> 
> And, I'd like to thank you all for hitting over 100 kudos yesterday!!! That is absolutely insane and it means so much to me. <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

A loud thud wakes Cas up the next morning, pulling him out of one of the best sleeps he’s had in awhile. He sits up in a panic, his sleep addled brain worried that Dean is having another seizure and fell out of bed. Blinking frantically to clear his eyes, Cas finds Dean standing in the doorway, watching Cas with a smile on his face.

“Are you alright?” Cas asks, his voice rough. He looks up and Dean’s body, searching for an injury of some sort. His eyes land on Dean’s hands, which are holding two large suitcases. “What are those?”

Dean looks at Cas like the answer is obvious before saying, “Your suitcases. Don’t they look familiar?” Cas looks back down at them and nods, recognizing them now that Dean has pointed it out. “We left them in the car yesterday and I thought you’d want them up here.”

Castiel looks over at the clock on the table, finding it to read eight o’clock. “Why are you up so early? You hate being awake before nine.”

“I don’t know, just couldn’t sleep,” Dean shrugs, walking over and setting the bags down against the wall. He then sits down on the bed next to Cas and leans against the headboard. Taking Cas’s hand, he says, “On the bright side, you’ve got clothes now.”

“What you don’t like me wearing yours?” Cas laughs.

“I never said that,” Dean says, turning to face Cas. “Actually, I think you look _damn_ sexy in my clothes. But, it’s about time I start being able to wear your stuff too.” Dean leans in and places a quick peck on Cas’s cheek.

“How are you feeling today?” Cas asks, leaning his head on Dean’s shoulder.

Shrugging, Dean answers, “I’ve been better. I have a bit of a headache, but that’s come to be typical. It’s not too bad, though.” Cas hums in understanding, lacing his fingers through Dean’s. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it when Dean’s stomach growls.

“Would you like some breakfast?” Cas laughs, tilting his head up to place a kiss on Dean’s jaw.

“You don’t have to--”

“I want to,” Cas interrupts. “You’re letting me live here and you brought in my suitcases, the least I can do is make breakfast.”

It takes some time, but Cas eventually gets Dean to relent. Smiling at his victory, Cas slides out of bed and makes it to the door before he turns around.

“Uh, maybe you could hang in the kitchen with me this time?” he says, remembering what happened the last time he tried to make them breakfast. The idea of that happening again makes him sick to his stomach. “Keep me company?”

Dean, clearly knowing what Cas is up to, says, “I can do that.” Cas waits for him to stand up before he heads to the kitchen. Dean’s footsteps sound behind him, then stop suddenly when they pass through the doorway into the kitchen.

Turning around, Cas finds Dean standing in the door. Cas tilts his head in confusion, his brows furrowed. A smirk growing on his face, Dean points up at the door frame. Cas follows Dean’s finger and sees a ball of mistletoe hanging from the frame.

Cas smiles and walks forward, placing his hands on Dean’s hips. He leans forward slowly, his eyes on Dean’s, before gently pressing their lips together. The kiss is sweet and chaste, but leaves Cas breathless nonetheless. Dean smiles and rests his forehead on Cas’s, his eyes closed.

“I thought you may approve,” Dean says, his voice soft. Cas nods, chuckling a little. He presses one last kiss to Dean’s lips before pulling away. He walks over to the fridge and opens the door, pulling out a few items-- eggs, cheese, and butter.

“Bacon?” he asks, pulling out the package and looking to Dean, who nods eagerly. “Thought you might say that.” Cas pulls out a couple of pans as Dean pulls a chair out from the kitchen table, the legs screeching against the floor.

As he cooks, Cas can’t help but think about how nice this is. Being able to cook for someone makes him happy, but it’s not just that. He feels at home here, something he hadn’t felt at his apartment. And it’s only his first day officially living with Dean.

But, that thought brings up something that he and Dean haven’t talked about-- what are they to each other? Cas likes to think that they are on the same page, but he isn’t sure if they are. They’ve never discussed whether or not they’re exclusive, or if they’re an actual couple. He thinks they are, but he makes a mental note to speak with Dean about it.

He doesn’t want to get his heartbroken over a misunderstanding.

Because he knows that if he found out Dean was with another person, it could break him. Cas is starting to think that Balthazar was right in telling him to be careful about falling for Dean, but he also is starting to believe that it’s too late.

Pulling himself from his thoughts, Cas puts a healthy amount of eggs and bacon onto two plates. He sits one in front of Dean, who looks at it hungrily, and puts the other at his seat.

Dean eagerly scoops up a large bite of eggs, moaning as he swallows. “Damn Cas, these are so good,” he says.

“Thanks,” Cas says, feeling a heated blush rise on his cheeks from the moan Dean made. He looks down at his plate, attempting to pull his mind from the gutter as he takes a bite himself. He has to admit, the eggs did turn out pretty well.

The room falls quiet as both of them eat, the only sound being their forks against the plates.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Cas asks after a while, breaking the comfortable silence. Cas looks up and finds Dean staring at his half full plate, his eyes squinted a little.

“Not really,” he says, his voice sounding a little shaky. “I was thinking we could get you-- get you settled in.” Dean’s face scrunches up a little and one of his hands go to his stomach.

“Dean?” Cas asks, sitting his fork down on his plate. He stands up hesitantly and walks over to Dean, crouching slightly. “What’s the matter?” Cas places a hand on Dean’s forehead and finds that he doesn’t feel warm, but is a little sweaty anyways.

His voice tight, Dean answers, “Just-- just my stomach. I don’t think the food is settling very well. I think-- I think I may be sick.”

“It’s okay,” Cas says, his voice soft. He shakes his head a little, knowing that this most likely isn’t the food. He runs a gentle hand across Dean’s jaw, trying to do something to soothe him. Dean still for a moment, before he stands up quickly, his hand over his mouth.

Then, as if he was shot out of a rocket, Dean runs out of the room. Cas hears the bathroom door swing open and hit the wall. Sounds of Dean getting sick fill the apartment, making Cas grimace out of sympathy. He’s not squeamish in the slightest, but it doesn’t make it any easier to know that Dean is sick.

Standing slowly so as to give Dean a moment of privacy, Cas walks to the bathroom. He finds Dean on his knees, dry heaving into the bowl of the toilet. Cas crouches next to him, placing his hand on Dean’s back and rubbing soothing circles in between Dean’s shoulder blades.

Accompanying the sound of Dean’s dry heaving are heartbreaking sobs that shake through Dean’s entire body. His voice calm, Cas says, “It’s okay. You’re alright, just get it out.”

It takes a few more minutes for Dean to calm down and sit back on his feet. Cas hands him a towel to wipe his mouth off with. Tears shine on Dean’s cheeks, which Cas wipes away before pulling Dean into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispers into Cas’s chest, his arms snaking around Cas’s back.

Shaking his head, Cas says, “No need to apologize. It’s not your fault.” Cas tightens his hold around Dean’s body, a strange need to protect Dean rising up in Cas’s chest.

“But I ruined our morning,” Dean says, his voice choked up.

“No you didn’t,” Cas answers, his voice stern but gentle. “You do not need to feel bad for getting sick. It’s a symptom of your cancer and isn’t something you can control. I’m not upset Dean, honestly. I just want you to get better, okay?”

“Okay,” Dean whispers. Cas rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, feeling a tear run down his cheek. He wipes it away before Dean can notice. A sudden feeling of necessity comes over him-- he will make sure Dean makes it out of this.

Cas doesn’t think he'd be able to handle it if Dean doesn’t.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another short chapter for you guys! I had planned this one longer but ended up cutting it shorter so I could get it up tonight and because I wasn't happy with what I had outlined. I'm thinking tomorrow will be the next (and last) double update day, but I'm not sure. I've been wearing myself out trying to get two chapter done for y'all, not that I mind in the slightest, but I may just get one up tomorrow because of it. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

They’re cuddled up on the couch watching Dean’s favorite ‘Christmas movie’,  _ Die Hard, _ when the subject comes up. Neither could sleep the night before, so they ended up staying on the couch. Cas has his arms around Dean, keeping him securely pressed against his chest. Dean’s head is resting on Cas’s shoulder and, try as he might, he can’t focus on the movie for anything. 

Dean just keeps wondering what they are to each other. It’s starting to drive him insane, the not knowing. He wants to be able to call Cas his boyfriend and it be completely true. And he wants Cas to call him boyfriend too. 

The need to figure it out has been growing stronger leading up to today anyways-- today is the day Benny goes back to the garage. And, because the universe hates him, Dean is scheduled to work. He has this nagging voice in the back of his head that keeps telling him that Benny won’t let up as easily as he’d made it seem. 

It’s not that Dean thinks Benny is a bad guy. If Dean told Benny he had a boyfriend, Dean thinks he’d stop. But Dean isn’t sure if he actually does have a ‘boyfriend’. He thinks he does, but he isn’t sure if he and Cas are on the same page. 

So, just as John McClane is being shot at by Hans and Karl in the movie, Dean blurts out, “What are we?” 

Cas starts, having dozed off, saying, “Huh?”

“Are we-- am I your boyfriend?” Dean asks, blushing. 

“Do you want to be?” Cas replies immediately. Cas reaches over to the coffee table and grabs the TV remote, pausing the movie. The room falls silent as Cas’s words sink in. Dean sits up slightly, turning his head to look at Cas as they do. 

A small smile sliding onto his lips, he says, “I mean, duh.”

“That’s what I thought,” Cas says, his smile mirroring Dean’s. “We do live together now, plus we’ve gone on multiple dates,” he points out. “We’ve slept together, more than once.  Am I your boyfriend?” 

“Hmmm, let me think,” Dean says, smirking. He leans in and kisses Cas softly, pushing his tongue into Cas’s mouth without difficulty. He slides their tongues together before breaking of the kiss to say, “You’re getting there.” 

Cas laughs against Dean’s lips and pushes his tongue into Dean’s mouth. His hands run up Dean’s back and he guides Dean to straddle his lap. He tangles one of his hands into Dean’s hair and tugs slightly, earning a moan from Dean. 

Dean slides his hands up under Cas’s shirt, itching to get skin on skin. Seeing what Dean is struggling to do, Cas raises his arms, allowing Dean to slide the shirt up over his head. As soon as the shirt is off, Dean throws it to the side and presses his lips to Cas’s bare collarbone. He begins sucking a bruising kiss there, running his teeth over Cas’s skin to make him shudder.

“Dean,” Cas gasps as Dean runs his tongue across one of Cas’s collarbones to the other. He presses his lips where Cas’s neck meets his shoulder, trying to see what sounds he can pull out of Cas. 

For some reason, finally knowing where he and Cas stand makes Dean feel like he can do this. It makes him feel like they no longer have to wait to go all the way and he definitely doesn’t want to. 

He’s never done it with a man, he’ll openly admit that, but he wants to go all the way with Cas. He wants to feel him in every possible way. 

Kissing his way up the side of Cas’s neck to his ear, Dean whispers, “I want you, Cas.” Cas groans, his hips bucking involuntarily. 

“You are going to kill me,” Cas says, pulling Dean’s mouth up to his. Dean feels Cas tugging up his shirt and just as he goes to pull back and rip it off, Cas’s phone goes off on the table. “Fuck,” Cas murmurs under his breath. 

“Wow, you must really want this,” Dean laughs, “you never cuss.” 

Cas looks over at him, glaring, before answering the phone, “Hello?” Dean can’t make out what the person on the other line is saying, but judging from the look on Cas’s face, it’s not good news. “Fine. I’ll be there soon.” 

Dean sticks his bottom lip out in a over-exaggerated pout as Cas hangs up the phone. “You have to go to the hospital, don’t you?” he asks, disappointment showing in his voice. Cas nods and leans in to place a quick peck on Dean’s lips. 

“Yes, there’s an emergency surgery I have to perform. We’ll finish this later,” he whispers, kissing Dean’s cheek. 

“I’m holding you to that.” 

***

The garage is unusually calm. Dean expected it to be absolutely insane, but he actually gets a chance to sit down and relax for a little while. Good thing too-- his head is starting to pound. He’s not sure if it’s the loud noises or the fumes from the oil and antifreeze, but he’s feeling a little light headed. 

He thinks about calling Cas multiple times, but always stops himself. He knows that Cas would get out of the hospital as soon as he could. It’s sweet, but he’s monopolizing Cas’s time a lot lately and doesn’t want to pull him away from an emergency. He’s sure Cas has things he needs to get done and the headache will go away eventually. 

Closing his eyes, Dean rests his head in his hands, leaning against the workbench. He sighs, wishing he could just stop having the cancer symptoms. Scratch that-- wishing he could just not have cancer. 

He’s starting to get nervous about the surgery. Dr. Roche already told him that there’s a small chance he may not make it through the procedure. At the time, Dean hadn’t been too worried about it-- he wasn’t leaving anybody behind. But now he’s got Sam back and he brought Jess with him. And he and Cas are together. He doesn’t want his life to end just as it’s beginning. 

For the first time in a long time, Dean finally has hope for the future. Not that he wanted his life to end before, but now he wants to make plans and… and maybe start a family someday. If that’s something Cas would want, that is. 

His thoughts are just starting to spiral into chick-click territory when a familiar voice sounds right next to him, saying, “You okay there, brother?” 

Dean looks up, fixes a smile on his face, and says, “Hey there, Benny. Yeah, I’m okay. Just tired. How was your trip?” 

“Ah, you know how it goes with family,” Benny says. “How were things while I was gone?” 

“Same old same old. I didn’t come in very often, but from what I heard it was pretty calm the whole week,” Dean says. He tries not to wince as a sharp pain shoots through his head, but from the way Benny looks at him, he assumes he failed. 

“So, I was thinking that, since I’m back, we could reschedule our date,” Benny says. Dean sighs, having known that this would come up. He goes to stand up, but a wave of nausea sends his ass straight back onto the stool. “Hey, you okay there?” Benny asks, grabbing Dean’s arm to steady him. 

“Yep, I’m good,” Dean says. “And I really don’t think that us dating is such a good idea. I’m kinda-- I have a boyfriend.” 

“A boyfriend?” Benny asks. “You didn’t have one a week ago.” 

Dean nods, instantly regretting it as a pain shoots through his head. “Yea, I didn’t,” he admits. “I was just kinda hanging out with him and-- it just happened.” 

Benny nods, like he’s not believing what Dean’s saying. “Alright then brother,” he finally answers. Dean goes to stand, planning on giving Benny a sympathy hug, but as soon as he stands his knees buckle. 

“Shit,” he groans. Benny grabs his arm again and pushes Dean back on the stool. “Sorry, I’m just a little dizzy,” Dean laughs, trying to wave it off. Benny looks at him with a concerned look and Dean feels himself sway on the stool. 

“Brother, you’re really not looking too good,” Benny says. Dean nods and once again regrets it as he tilts sideways, nearly sending himself sprawling. “Dean?” 

Dean reaches an arm out, trying to find some sense of balance. Benny grabs his arm, effectively keeping Dean still. Squeezing his eyes shut, Dean tries to focus on his breathing, hoping that it will get rid of the nausea. 

“Can you-- can you hand me my phone?” Dean asks, pointing to a workbench across the garage. Benny nods and walks over to the workbench hesitantly, grabbing Dean’s phone and bringing it over quickly. “Thanks.” 

Dean struggles to put in his passcode and get to his contacts, but he manages. He hits the number he needs and puts his phone up to his ear, his eyes fluttering shut as another pain passes through his head. 

“Hello?” Cas asks, his voice managing to soothe Dean. 

“Hi ya, Cas,” Dean says, his pain seeping into his voice. “Are you busy?”  

There’s the sound of a door closing on the other line before Cas says, “No, not at the moment. I just finished the surgery I had to come in for. I was going to fill out some paperwork, but I can do that from home if need be. Is something wrong?” 

Dean sighs, cursing himself. He’s about to drag Cas away from work  _ again.  _ But, as another wave of nausea surges through him, making him sway, he says, “Um, yea. I uh, I’m not feeling too hot.” Benny puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder as he sways once more, his eyebrows furrowed with confusion. 

“What’s going on?” Cas asks. 

“It’s another round of headache and nausea,” Dean says. “I really hate to ask--” 

“I’m on my way,” Cas interrupts, rustling coming from his end of the line. “I’ll be there as soon as I can be. Have someone sit with you until I get there, okay?” 

“‘Kay,” Dean sighs. “I’ll see ya soon.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is probably going to be the only chapter posted today. I may try to get the next one up, but I have tons of things I have to do since Christmas is right around the corner. 
> 
> Speaking of things being right around the corner-- we only have five chapters left of Promise You'll Be Here! That is insane. We are on the our way to the finish line guys, but there is so much stuff that has to happen before the end! I'm already thinking there might be a sequel to this story... I'm not sure yet. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!!! <3

Castiel knew that leaving Dean was a bad idea, especially after what happened yesterday. Dean’s symptoms are getting worse and fast-- faster than what Cas knows is normal. Balthazar hasn’t said anything to him about it lately, patient confidentiality and all, but Castiel knows. 

The cancer is progressing quicker than Balthazar expected and that could mean bad things in terms of Dean’s recovery. Castiel doesn’t need anyone to tell him that, he’s a doctor, he already understands that. When something gets so bad so quickly, it’s not a good sign for the patient. 

What Cas doesn’t understand is what Dean ever did to deserve this. As a doctor, he’s been taught that these things just happen. But Dean doesn’t deserve this. He is a good person who should be able to live their life without having to worry about things like this. Screw believing that sometimes ‘things just happen’, Castiel wants to know  _ why _ . 

_ Why  _ it was Dean and not him that got the cancer. After all, Castiel was the one who abandoned his family. He’s done bad things in his life, screwed things up, but Dean? Dean is good, he’s pure. It doesn’t take anything special to see how incredible Dean is. 

This is what brings tears to Cas’s eyes while in the cab on the way to the garage. He should be the one that has to suffer, not Dean. A stray tears falls down his cheek and he wipes it away angrily. 

When the cab pulls up to the garage, Castiel pays the driver before hopping out and running into the shop. He looks around frantically and spots Dean leaning against someone, his eyes closed. His face is screwed up in pain and Cas can see from his spot at the door how Dean sways on the stool every couple seconds . 

But that’s not what makes Cas stop in his tracks. No, it’s the guy Dean is leaning against. Well, the way the guy is looking at Dean with adoration and something else that Cas isn’t too fond of coming from the stranger. As Castiel walks over to Dean hesitantly, the guy Dean is leaning against looks up and makes eye contact with Cas. The guy says something to Dean that Cas can’t make out before leaning down and pressing a kiss against Dean’s cheek. 

_ What the fuck? _

Cas freezes in place for a moment, waiting to see what Dean does. It takes a second, but eventually Dean’s mouth moves and he puts a hand on the guy’s chest. Cas takes a deep breath, waiting to see if Dean pushes the guy away, but he never does. In fact, the guy says something before leaning in and kissing Dean again, this time actually on the lips. 

“What the actual fuck?” Cas blurts, confusion and anger running through his mind, making his thoughts hazy. Dean and the guy look over at him, Dean’s eyes open wide. “Dean?” he asks, his voice dangerously low, walking towards his boyfriend. 

“Cas,” Dean says, his voice weak, “it’s not what it looks like-- This is Benny, he’s just a friend, I promise. Benny, this is Cas, my boyfriend.” 

A look of understanding flashes over the guy’s-- Benny’s-- face. He walks forward and extends his hand towards Cas, saying, “Oh, sorry brother. I didn’t know, I thought Dean was lyin’--”

Red overtaking Cas’s vision, he just sees the image of Benny kissing Dean as it runs through his mind again. As his vision clears and he comes back to reality, he hears Dean saying something, sounding far away, and feels a sharp pain in his hand. 

He shakes his hand, looking over and seeing it clenched into a fist. He relaxes it and looks forward, finding Benny with a hand over his nose, blood running down his face. 

_ Oh. _

“What the hell, Cas?” Dean shouts, his voice louder than it was a minute ago. Cas looks over and meets Dean’s eyes, which are filled with anger. “Benny, I’m sorry--”

“Nah, don’ worry ‘bout it brother. I deserved it,” Benny chuckles, pissing Castiel off all over again. “You just go on home, get to feelin’ better.” 

Cas looks back over at Dean, who has his eyes shut again. He looks up and down Dean, seeing how his face is still scrunched up in pain. Slowly, he reaches over to touch Dean’s shoulder, but is shaken off immediately. 

Dean looks over, glaring as he says with anger infusing his tone, “Let’s just go home.” 

***

The cab is quiet as they ride home. The tension between them is palpable and Cas hates it. He’s never punched anyone in his life and he had to choose today to do it? 

He just couldn’t help himself. Looking back, it’s like he blacked out. Benny was trying to be all nice after kissing  _ Cas’s _ boyfriend and something just possessed Cas. He has never been so ashamed of something in his life. It was such a juvenile thing to do, no matter how much Benny deserved it. 

The way Dean is ignoring him isn’t making him feel any better. However, Castiel is pissed at him too. Why didn’t Dean push Benny away after he kissed his cheek, or punch Benny when he actually kissed him?

Cas just doesn’t understand. 

By the time they’ve gotten into the apartment, Castiel has worked himself up all over again. He doesn’t want to start anything though, not with Dean feeling sick again. He follows Dean into the kitchen and watches as Dean grabs the Advil bottle, taking a couple out and popping them into his mouth. 

Dean sighs loudly as he takes a drink and the noise finally makes Cas ask, “How are you feeling?” 

A loud scoff sounds from Dean before the angry answer, “I could be a lot fucking better, but you had to go blow that to shit, didn’t you Cas? Or should I say, punch that to shit? What the  _ fuck _ is wrong with you?” 

“Me?” Cas asks, anger seeping into his voice. “What about what is wrong with  _ you _ ? You didn’t even try to push him away after he kissed you the first time! Dean, I’m sorry for punching him, but I shouldn’t have had to. You should’ve stopped him before he had a chance.” 

“I tried! I told him I had a boyfriend but he didn’t believe me,” Dean says. “Then, I tried to push him away after the first time, but I’m not exactly at my strongest!” 

Castiel shakes his head, wanting to believe Dean but not being able to. “Why would Benny think he could kiss you in the first place?” Cas asks, not sounding as angry anymore, just tired. He still doesn’t understand. 

A long pause occurs before Dean answers quietly, “Because I was supposed to go out with him last week, the day you lost a patient.” 

The words take a while to sink in, but when they do, all Cas can ask is, “What?” Dean sighs again, obviously not wanting to answer the question. Cas turns to him, a strange kind of hurt filling his chest as he repeats, “What?” 

“I told him I would go out with him,” Dean whispers. “We- we weren’t dating at the time. I-- He asked me out and I said yes. But I cancelled. You needed me so I called him and told him I wasn’t free.” 

Without another word, Castiel turns on his heel and walks into the living room. He hears Dean’s footsteps on the hardwood, following him. He grabs his coat from where he threw it on the couch. 

“Cas,” Dean says, a little desperately, grabbing his arm. Cas steps forward, out of Dean’s reach, as he slides his coat on. Castiel picks his keys off of the table next to the door, throws the door open, slamming it shut when he walks out. Dean shouts his name again, but he ignores him as he walks down the hallway.

***

“Fuck,” Dean groans, sitting down on the floor of the bathroom. It’s been nearly a whole day since Cas left, but the sound of the door slamming keeps playing in Dean’s head on repeat. 

His stomach lurches again, for what feels like the hundredth time. He spent all night on the bathroom floor, unable to keep himself from throwing up every five seconds. It had started as a monster headache, but soon after Cas left the sickness and nausea came back. It took all of Dean’s willpower not to call Cas, to ask him to come back, but he managed. 

Barely, but he did. 

He’s starting to get really pissed off at this whole ‘cancer’ thing. He’s weak as hell, he couldn’t even push Benny away, no matter how hard he tried. Trying to put his hand on Benny nearly wiped him out, let alone gather enough energy to shove. It’s no wonder Cas is pissed, it probably looked like Dean was having some tender moment with some guy Cas doesn’t know. 

That doesn’t excuse Cas punching Benny though. Not that Dean can judge, if he’d caught Cas kissing someone else he’d probably have done the same, but that’s just how Dean is. Cas on the other hand is supposed to be the one with the a level head, the one who thinks things through. Not the one who uses violence when he’s angry. 

But Dean misses him. He wants Castiel to come back-- to come  _ home _ . It’s terrifying to Dean, but this apartment is too big, too empty, without Cas in it. It’s like it’s no longer home to him. Not that he’d ever say this anybody, but his home has quickly become wherever Cas is. 

Which is scary and wonderful all at the same time. Dean hasn’t been this comfortable around someone since, well, when his mom and dad were alive. When Sam was still living with him. 

Dean lays back on the cool tile, trying to fall asleep. He’d get up and head to his bed, but he has a feeling he’d end up back in the bathroom. Just as he starts to drift off, his headache subsiding, there’s a knock on the door. 

He sits up quickly, secretly hoping it’s Cas. Rushing to the door, he throws it open. Instead of finding Cas, he comes face to face with Sam. Dean feels his face fall before he can stop it and steps aside, waving Sam into the apartment. 

“Expecting someone else, I take it?” Sam asks, walking in. Dean shuts the door with a soft thud, locking it behind them. 

His voice apologetic, Dean says, “Yea, I thought-- I thought it may be Cas.” Sam nods, looking at Dean suspiciously. “So uh, how can I help you?”

The tension between them from the other night returns, but Dean tries to ignore it. He doesn’t want to fight with Sam, too. He doesn’t have the energy, his lack of sleep last night isn’t doing him any favors. 

“I wanted to say-- well, I’m sorry, Dean,” Sam says. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry with you, you didn’t have to tell me anything. I’m just worried about you. I’m sorry.” 

Shocked, Dean says, “It’s okay. I shoulda told you. You were gonna find out eventually, right?” Sam smiles and nods before walking forward, throwing his arms around Dean. “You give a lot more hugs now, you know that?” 

“Shut up, jerk,” Sam laughs. The nickname brings back a flood of memories from when they were younger, nearly bringing Dean to tears. 

“Bitch,” he says, wrapping his arms around Sam. 

Stepping back after a long moment, Sam asks, “So, why isn’t Cas here? I thought-- well, when Jess and I came over it seemed like he was living here.” 

Dean sighs. He walks around the couch and takes a seat, resting his head on his hand. He pauses for a minute as Sam sits next to him, waiting patiently for Dean to continue. “Yea,” he says. “He is living here. But he uh, left last night.”

Sam nods, asking, “Why’d he leave? You two seemed like you were fine.” 

“I fucked up, badly,” Dean whispers. He feels tears welling up in his eyes, but forces himself not to cry. He doesn’t understand why he has been so emotional, but he blames the tumor. 

“He’ll be back,” Sam says, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder. After a few moments of silence, he asks, “You love him, don’t you? I mean, it’s obvious that you two have--  _ something _ special.”

Dean swallows thickly, not trusting his voice. He knows that Sam’s words are supposed to make him feel better, but all that’s happening is he’s starting to realize what he lost. He wishes he would’ve just cussed Benny out, not just tell him to stop. He should’ve been the one to punch Benny, Cas was right. 

“I don’t know, Sam,” he finally says, his voice tight. “I really don’t know if he’ll be back. I want him here, but that might not matter.” 

“Go to him,” Sam says. “You love him, he loves you, so go to him. Tell him that you fucked up, that you need him. I know you’re not big into ‘chick-flick moments’, but if you really want him to come back, you may need to have one.” 

Dean nods and stands, ignoring the wave of nausea that hits when he does. Sam follows his lead, a smirk on his face. Dean grabs his coat as he says, “I gotta go. You’re- you’re right, Sam. I’ll see ya later. Tell Jess I said hi, okay?” 

Without waiting for an answer, Dean heads out the door, leaving it open for Sam. He runs down the stairs of the apartment building, all eight floors of them. The cold air bites at his bare skin and his breath puffs out like smoke in front of him. 

He hails a cab and sits in the backseat impatiently on the ride to Cas’s old apartment, his leg jumping up and down. Dean rehearses what he’s going to say to Cas the entire ride there, going between ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘please come back’. 

When the cab pulls up to the building, Dean throws a wad of cash at the driver, overpaying by a lot. He jumps out of the cab and runs into the nice building, earning weird looks from everyone in the lobby. 

The elevator he takes goes way to slow for him and he curses at it in his head, pacing around the empty space. 

Finally, after what seems like forever, the elevator stops on Cas’s floor. He runs out as soon as the doors open enough for him to squeeze through and goes immediately to Cas’s door. 

“Cas!” He shouts, knocking harshly on the wood. His head is pounding, but he barely notices. All he can think about is apologizing and getting Cas to go back home with him. The door swings open and reveals Cas, still wearing the clothes he had on the day before. His eyes are red rimmed and he has tear tracks staining his cheeks. 

The sight of Cas makes Dean forget everything he rehearsed in the cab. Cas’s eyes widen at the sight of Dean standing in front of him, gasping for air from being so worked up. Dean surges forward, smashing their lips together harder than he means to. His hands fly up to cup Cas’s face and he pulls away, still close enough to feel Cas’s breath on his lips. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so fucking sorry. I was stupid, I--”

Cas interrupts him by pressing their lips together again, sweeter than before. “I’m sorry too,” he whispers against Dean’s lips. Their lips pressed together, Cas pulls Dean into the apartment, slamming the door shut behind them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to drag out the fight between Dean and Cas, but with there only being five chapters left I couldn't find the time. Especially if I wanted to keep what happens in the next chapter, which I did. I do wanna clarify that they DO NOT have sex after they make up. Not yet, my lovelies. <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so today was going to be a day with the last double update, but some family stuff came up that made that impossible. I'm thinking that, unfortunately, the last chapter will not be posted on Christmas, but the day after. There will still be a chapter a day, but there probably won't be another day with a double update. Sorry guys. <3
> 
> This chapter is un-beta'd at this time because just as I finished writing it, my laptop hit 5% remaining and I wanted to get the chapter up before it died. But, I will update it when it's beta'd so there won't be mistakes.
> 
> Warning for graphic smut-- lots of it. ;) Enjoy the chapter!!!

“You know, typically doctors know how to tie a tie,” Dean chuckles, undoing Cas’s backwards tie. Cas looks down at the tie in Dean’s hands like it personally offended him. “What did it do to you?” Dean asks, laughing even harder. 

“I dislike wearing ties,” Cas says thoughtfully. “I don’t mind suits. They’re actually comfortable, at times. But ties seem frivolous.” 

Dean chuckles, leaning forward to place a quick peck on Cas’s lips. “They are. If you hate it that much we could just stay home,” he says, smirking. Cas shakes his head as Dean threads the tie under his collar. 

“No, I want to see what you have planned.” 

Nodding, Dean knots the tie and tightens it so it fits comfortably against Cas’s throat. He hums thoughtfully, fixing Cas’s collar. 

“It’s really not that exciting,” Dean says, lying through his teeth. He’s  _ so _ excited for Casto see what he has planned. He’s had tonight planned for a few weeks, ever since the day they danced in Bryant Park. 

He did it mostly because the surgery is so close. He wanted to take Cas out somewhere nice before he’s laid up in bed for a few weeks as he recovers. Just another downfall to the cancer-- he’s not going to be able to drink or do anything fun for a while. 

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Cas says. He smiles, small and secretively. “I really wish we had been able to finish what we started a couple days ago,” he whispers in Dean’s ear. Dean shudders a little at the blatant come one, feeling his dick twitch with interest. 

His voice tight, Dean says, “Later. Definitely later.” 

Despite having made up, the night Dean had gone over to Cas’s old apartment had ended uneventfully. Things had started to get heated, but right when things started get interesting, Dean’s headache quickly reappeared. Just another thing the cancer had to ruin. 

The low chuckle that sounds in the back of Cas’s throat makes Dean seriously consider dropping the plans for the night. He really wants to take Cas into their bedroom and fuck him until their both--

“Dean?” Cas asks, waving his hand in front of Dean’s face. Dean looks down at his feet, a dark blush rising into his cheeks. Cas laughs and whispers, “Where you thinking about what you want to do tonight? After what you have planned?” 

Dean swallows thickly and nods, ideas running through his mind. He’s spent weeks thinking about what he’d do to Cas if they ever got to that point. He has plenty of plans.

“Good,” Cas says, stepping back. He continues conversationally, “I’ve got a few things I want to do to you too. But I guess we’ll have to wait until we are back from our date to see how they work out.” 

“Guess so,” Dean croaks. “Let’s get out of here before I change my mind about leaving.” 

***

“That was amazing!” Cas says, grabbing Dean’s hand as they walk out of the theater. Dean’s plane had ended up being taking Cas to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra, something Cas remembers mentioning wanting to see a few weeks ago. 

Dean laughs, brushing their shoulders together. “I’m glad you liked it,” he says, leaning over to kiss Cas’s cheek. “Are you hungry?” 

Cas looks over, a smirk on his face. “A little, are you?” he asks, knowing the answer already. Dean’s appetite never fails to amaze him-- he swears that Dean eats constantly. Not that Cas minds, it’s part of what makes Dean  _ Dean _ . 

A blush rises high on Dean’s cheeks as he answers, “Maybe a little bit. I have a place in mind, it’s just down the block.” 

Smiling, Cas squeezes his hand and allows Dean to lead him through the crowded sidewalk. The cold air bites at his nose, but he pays it no mind. 

He has been feeling terrible ever since the argument he had with Dean. He told Dean he was sorry and Dean forgave him, but it didn’t help his guilty conscience. Getting so angry at Dean was a mistake. Just because Dean was going to go out with Benny doesn’t mean he should’ve left. 

The whole reason he went to the garage was because Dean called him for help. But instead of staying home and taking care of Dean, who needed him, he got pissed and left. It’s unforgivable and Cas knows that. He hasn’t had a chance to tell Dean, but he knows he needs to apologize a thousand times more. 

He loves Dean. So much so that he feels like he’s going to break. He hasn’t told Dean yet, he wants to apologize first, but it’s been eating him alive. He wants to do it tonight. Dean doesn’t have to say it back, that’s not what Cas is after, he just needs to tell him. 

Dean stops when they’re in front of an extremely expensive restaurant. 

“Where are we going?” Cas asks. Dean turns around and winks before leading Cas into the restaurant in front of them. “Dean, we’re going here? It’s so-- not you.”

“Reservation for Winchester,” Dean tells a lady standing behind a large, gaudy desk. Turning to Cas he says, “I know, but I wanted to take you out somewhere nice. I checked the place out and it seemed like somewhere you’d like.” 

Shocked, Cas smiles and leans in to kiss Dean. He breaks it quickly despite wanting only to continue. The lady behind the desk gets Dean’s attention and tells them to follow her. She leads them to a two person table next to a window overlooking the city. 

A waiter with a white towel draped over his arm comes over, proceeding to ask, “What can I get you to drink, sir?” 

“Wat--” Cas begins to say, but Dean cuts him off. 

“We’ll take whatever red wine you recommend,” he says with a smile, shocking Cas. The waiter nods and walks away, leaving Cas to stare at Dean with wide eyes. 

“Wine?” Cas asks. “But you hate wine.” 

Dean shrugs, replying, “I don’t hate it, I just typically prefer beer. Besides, you like it, so we might as well get a bottle.” 

Castiel nods, a small smile playing on his lips. The pair fall into polite conversation, discussing the music they heard tonight, what they want for Christmas, and other random topics. They’re interrupted by the waiter coming back and pouring their wine, then asking what they want to eat. 

They both end up ordering the same thing-- steak with a potato dish and vegetable, which Dean tells Cas he can have. 

When the waiter walks away, the table falls silent as Cas and Dean just look at each other. Taking a deep breath, Cas decides that now is as good a time as any to apologize to Dean. 

“I’m sorry,” he begins. Dean tilts his head in confusion, his brows furrowed. Castiel continues, “I overreacted about the Benny situation. I left you when you needed me and I shouldn’t have done that--”

“No, I’m sorry,” Dean interrupts. “I didn’t handle the Benny thing the way I should’ve. Telling him that I’d go out with him while we were together--”

Cas decides that it’s his turn to interrupt, saying, “But we weren’t together at the time. We hadn’t talked about what we were to each other, you had every right to say yes to him. And you told him that you had a boyfriend--”

“But I should’ve punched him when he kissed my cheek, not just tell him to fuck off. He didn’t believe that I had a boyfriend and I should’ve been the one to hit him--” 

“I’m sorry,” they both say at the same time, their eyes trained on each other. 

Dean sighs, tears shining in his eyes as he says, “I love you, Cas. I’m so--”

Cas stands up and walks around the table, Dean’s eyes trained on him. He cups Dean’s cheeks with both hands and leans in, smashing their lips together, hard. He pulls back an inch, whispering, “I love you too. You don’t need to apologize.”

“You don’t either,” Dean whispers, a tear falling down his cheek. Cas wipes it away, leaning forward to kiss Dean one more time. He stands up and walks around the table, taking his seat again. Looking around he sees that everybody around them has their eyes trained on Dean and his table. 

“Sorry,” Cas says to everyone, blushing. Looking over at Dean, he sees that he too is blushing. He leans forward in his seat and says again, “I love you.” 

***

“Oh, Dean” Cas gasps as they crash into the apartment. Dean has his lips latched to the side of his neck and is sucking a dark bruise there, nipping the skin with his teeth every few seconds. The door gets slammed shut before Cas pushes Dean up against it, wedging a knee between Dean’s legs. 

He feels Dean’s erection pressed against his thigh and slowly moves his leg up, grinding it up against Dean’s dick. A low moan makes it’s way out of his throat as Dean laves his tongue over the bruise he created. 

Their lips crash together, tongues sliding together. Dean breaks the kiss just long enough to breathlessly say, “Bedroom. Now.” 

Cas steps back and grabs the lapels of Dean’s suit jacket, pushing it off of his shoulders as he walks backwards towards their bedroom. He pulls Dean’s tie off before frantically pulling at his own, groaning in frustration when he can’t get it off. 

Laughing lightly, Dean reaches forward and slides the knot down with ease, stopping when it’s only halfway undone. He leans forward and whispers, his breath hot on Cas’s ear, “Leave it on.” 

Dean pulls Cas’s earlobe in between his teeth before stepping back and pushing Cas’s jacket off. He throws it to the side where it lands on the couch silently. Heat builds low in Cas’s stomach when Dean pulls his dress shirt out of his pants in one swift tug. Dean begins to undo the buttons, groaning in frustration when he can’t do it quickly. 

Reminiscent of their first time together, Dean rips Cas’s shirt open. Buttons fall to the ground with small pinging sounds. A low moan works it’s way past Cas’s lips, his dick twitching almost painfully. 

Dean fingers brush Cas’s crotch as he undoes Cas’s belt. The feather light touch drives Cas mad, making him gasp from need. Cas’s belt slides through the loops in his pants quickly as Dean pulls it harshly. It falls to the ground with a thud and then Dean’s fingers are unbuttoning Cas’s pants. 

All in one motion, Dean pulls Cas’s pants and boxers down. Cool air hits Cas’s heated dick and a drop of precome appears on the head. Dean’s eyes are trains on Cas’s dick and he licks his lips. Cas’s chest rises and falls quickly, his gasps filling the air. 

Pupils blown with lust, Dean drops to his knees and wraps his lips around Cas’s cock without warning. 

“Dean,” Cas moans as Dean’s tongue swirls around the head of his dick. Cas looks down and threads his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean smiles around his cock and looks up at Cas through his eyelashes, bobbing his head up and down Cas’s shaft. The sight threatens to bring Cas to his knees. “Want you, want you so bad,” Cas babbles, struggling to form words. 

Pulling off Cas’s dick with a pop, Dean smirks at him. He pulls Cas’s pants off the rest of the way, removing his shoes at the same time. He stands up, his dick tenting his pants, and guides Cas to their room. Gently, he pushes Cas down on the bed so he’s lying on his back. 

Dean’s eyes fix on Cas’s dick curving upwards towards his stomach, a drop of precome falling onto Cas’s skin. 

Laughing breathlessly, Cas says, “You’re wearing too many clothes.” Dean looks down and nods, undoing his buttons slowly starting from the bottom. Cas’s eyes fix on him  and his breathing quickens. Dean walks forwards slowly, pushing his shirt off of his shoulders. 

Slowly, torturously, Dean undoes his belt and pulls it off with a swish. Cas can see Dean’s hands shaking as he unbuttons his pants and pushes them down his legs. A moan falls from Cas’s lips at the sight of Dean’s cock hanging hot and heavy between his legs. Dean catches Cas’s eye as he wraps a hand around his dick and jerks himself a couple of times, his breathless moans echoing around the room. 

“Dean,” Cas groans. A small smirk plays over Dean’s lips as he releases his dick and walks over to the bed. He climbs on top of it and crouches over Cas, the heads of their dicks brushing together, forcing a small whimper out of Cas’s throat. 

“Shh, I got you baby,” Dean whispers. He leans forward and presses their lips together, sliding their tongues together obscenely. Dean’s hand grabs the tie still hanging on Cas’s neck. He wraps it around his hand a few times, just holding it in place. 

Dean breaks the kiss and makes eye contact with Cas for a long moment, as if he’s looking for something there. 

“I want you, Dean,” Cas moans, running a reverent hand over Dean’s cheek. “I want all of you.” 

Nodding slowly, Dean reaches over into the nightstand and pulls out a bottle of lube. Cas exhales, his hips twitching in anticipation. Dean kisses him again, proceeding to kiss his way down Cas’s body. 

He runs his tongue over the soft lines of Cas’s abs, licking up the small pool of precome that fell on Cas’s lower stomach. Cas moans, not caring how needy he sounds. Dean avoids touching Cas’s cock at all as his lips trail down to Cas’s inner thighs. 

“God you’re beautiful,” Dean says, presses light kisses at the base of Cas’s cock. “I love you,” he whispers. 

The sincerity and adoration in the words sends a shiver down Cas’s spine. He gasps, “I love you too.” 

Dean pops the lid of the lube open and Cas sits up slightly to watch him pour some of it on his fingers. Looking up at Cas underneath his eyelashes, Dean says, “You gotta tell me if this hurts, okay?”

“I will,” Cas promises, his breath hitching in anticipation. Looking appeased, Dean nudges Cas’s legs open wider, placing light kisses when they’re where he wants them to be. Cas lays back, resting his head on a pillow and trying to relax. 

This isn’t his first time bottoming, but it’s definitely been awhile since the he last did this. Having expected this to happen tonight, he’d tried to prepare himself earlier. But as Dean slides in the first finger, Cas starts wishing he’d prepped a little more than he had. 

Dean feels him tense up and stops for a moment, kissing Cas’s hipbone lightly. “You gotta relax, babe,” he says, running his free hand down Cas’s thigh. Cas nods and once he’s relaxed again, Dean continues. 

The burn and stretch is nonexistent with just one finger and Dean quickly falls into a rhythm that leaves Cas a moaning, whimpering mess. Slowly, Cas feels the press of a second finger, this time feeling the stretch. It’s not enough to cause any pain, instead managing to arouse Cas further. 

The two fingers begin scissoring Cas open and he feels his hips start to twitch into them. Before he can get the fingers at the angle he wants them to be, Dean’s free hand rests on his hip, holding him in place. A small whine sounds in the back of his throat and Dean leans forward to kiss Cas, hovering over him. 

“I know baby,” he says, drawing back so he’s a few inches from Cas’s face. “Just a little longer. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

A third finger works it’s way past the tight ring of muscles and the burn increases. Cas moans softly as Dean pumps the fingers in and out at a torturously slow pace. Reaching forward, Cas grabs the back of Dean’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss. 

Dean’s tongue pushes in Cas’s mouth in time with his fingers, making a loud moan rumble in Cas’s chest. Dean’s fingers fuck in Cas, the angle changing, and brush against his prostate. 

“Dean, Dean,” Cas gasps, his back arching off of the bed. He feels the heat in stomach intensify and groans, “I’m ready-- please, I’m ready.” 

Nodding, Dean pulls his fingers out and rips open a condom. He slides it on, breathing erratically as he smears lube on himself. He cups Cas’s face with his free hand, looking down in awe, before lining himself up. 

“You have to tell me if it hurts. I mean it Cas,” Dean says. Cas nods and hooks his legs around Dean’s knees nudging him forwards-- he doesn’t trust himself to form coherent sentences. 

Slowly, Dean presses himself forward. The head of his cock nudges past Cas’s opening, the burn increasing. Dean is a lot bigger than three fingers and Cas can tell he’s going to be able to feel the stretch of him tomorrow. 

A moan sounds from Dean as he pushes himself further in, inch by inch. Cas’s hands slide up Dean’s back, his fingernails digging into Dean’s skin as Dean bottoms out. They both exhale, frozen in place as they wait for Cas’s body to adjust to Dean’s size. 

Castiel wiggles his hips impatiently, staring up at Dean. “Move,” he pleads, his voice hoarse. Dean leans down and locks their lips before he obliges, drawing out slowly until he’s almost completely unsheathed, then sliding back in just as slow. Their lips stay pressed together until Cas throws his head back, moaning, as Dean’s cock nudges against his prostate. 

“I love you,” Dean whispers, his head against Cas’s shoulder. One of Cas’s hands slides down Dean’s shoulder and rests next to his head. Not breaking the slow, torturous pace he’s set, Dean laces their fingers together. He presses himself into Cas as much as he can-- their bodies touching in every possible place. 

Dean hits Cas’s prostate again, making him cry out. “I love you, I love you,” Cas whispers, saying the words over and over until they string together. 

Through his moans, Dean says, “Cas, I-- I’m not gonna last long.” His pace quickens, the sound of their bodies pressing together accompanying their moans, echoing through the room. 

“It’s okay,” Cas gasps, running a hand through Dean’s sweaty hair. His lips brush against Dean’s ear as he whispers, “Come for me, Dean.” 

Dean’s body shudders, hard shakes passing through his limbs. He whimpers, “Cas,” as he comes, his cock twitching inside of Cas. 

He fucks into Cas one more time, hitting Cas’s prostate directly, before Cas is coming with him, shouting Dean’s name. Stars overtake Cas’s vision as his body spasms, come shooting across both his and Dean’s stomachs. 

Their bodies go limp and Dean pulls out of Cas before collapsing on top of him. He rolls to the side, drawing Cas up against his side. Slotting their mouths together, Dean whispers against Cas’s lips, “I love you.” 

“I love you,” Cas says, resting his head on Dean’s chest. He allows post-orgasm fatigue to wash over him, sleep overtaking him. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW! After a few weeks of not posting, here is the chapter you've all been waiting for. Thank you all so much for being understanding while I dealt with some things in my life. Things have calmed down, so posting should become more frequent throughout the next couple of weeks. I plan on having this story finished within the next two weeks. But, that in mind, I have midterm exams this week, so there may not be another update until next weekend. After this week I gain a study hall and lose my two hardest classes, so I should be able to write a ton more. 
> 
> I'm sorry it's such a short update, but it's the best I could do quickly and I wanted to get this chapter up for you guys. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter, I hope I've written it well as I know you've all been waiting for it. <3

“Merry Christmas!” Jess says, stepping forward and wrapping and arm around Dean, the other balancing two presents. She pulls him close, like they’ve known each other for years. “Thank you for having us. I’m sorry about what happened the last time,” she whispers in his ear. 

He shakes his head, stepping back, but keeping his hands on her elbows. “It’s okay, Jess,” he says with a smile. “Sam and me-- we’re cool. I was stupid and, well, I’m sorry.” 

After waking up with Cas snuggled into him, Dean is in a damn good mood. It helps that it’s Christmas, but he  _ feels _ good. It’s not just his mood, or physical feeling, but he mentally feels amazing. There’s no rain cloud hanging over his head, no heavy weight on his shoulders. Despite the surgery being two days away, Dean understands the sentiment ‘nothing to complain about’. 

Last year at this time things were so much different. He was alone, drinking himself into a stupor nearly every night. Sam had been at Stanford for two years and they’d not spoken since he left. 

Dean was done with living. He wasn’t about to pull the trigger by any means, but he wouldn’t have stopped someone else from doing it. He looks back on those days as his ‘dark days’ and never wants to go back to the way he was then-- angry at the world, hurt pulsing through every fiber of his being, and mean to anyone who tried to make his life less of a living hell. 

Cas has changed everything. If not for him, Dean would probably still be that person. Hell, he was that person only a month ago. It wouldn’t have mattered if Sam still had come back, Dean would’ve been bitter, pissed off, and still alone. 

He completely believes that being alone is the worst thing that can happen to someone. Not just ‘by yourself’, but actually  _ alone _ . Nobody to turn to, no friends-- just you, all day long. Dean wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy. 

With Cas, Dean doesn’t feel alone, even when he  _ is _ by himself. He always knows that Cas is going to come back, that he’ll come home to Dean. It’s not a guessing game of whether or not he’ll call that day, or if he’ll see him on the weekend. And Cas hasn’t even been in Dean’s life for very long, yet he managed to carve out a permanent place in Dean’s heart. Even if Cas leaves, which has quickly become Dean’s worst nightmare, Dean will never be the same. 

He never bought into the ‘love at first sight’ bullshit before, or the idea of soul mates, but he’s starting to believe that there is such a thing. He’s never felt anything like what he feels with Cas-- physical aspect as well as mental.  

It’s not just the sex that makes Dean weak at the knees. It’s every damn time they touch-- every kiss, brush of their hands, accidental elbow to the ribs. It feels like there is electricity running through them and it’s fucking addictive. Dean can’t get enough of it. 

He feels like there’s something tying them together, something that bonds them in the deepest way possible. 

“It’s good to see ya, Sammy,” Dean says, pulling him in for a hug. Behind him, he hears Cas greeting Jess and taking her over to their squatty tree. “Merry Christmas.” Sam’s arms wrap around his back, pulling Dean against Sam’s chest. 

“Merry Christmas, Dean,” Sam says. Dean rests his head on Sam’s shoulder and, God help him, starts tearing up. He realizes that this situation quickly became a ‘chick-flick moment’, but he doesn’t care. 

This is the first Christmas he will be spending with Sam in three years. It feels surreal. He can’t help but feel an overwhelming joy at the fact that he’s actually hugging his baby brother right now. He steps back and looks at Sam, a wide grin splitting Dean’s face. He feels tears welling up in his eyes and he blinks a few times, willing them away. 

“So we have a ham, mashed potatoes, salad for those who eat it,” Cas says, looking over to Dean and winking. “Who’s hungry?” 

***

“Here Dean, you go first,” Sam says, extending a wrapped package to Dean. It’s heavier than Dean expects and he grunts as he takes it from Sam. Dean leans back against the couch, sitting the present on his lap. He tears off the wrapping paper excitedly, having not opened a present in a long while. 

The past few Christmases, Dean spent the day in his little apartment, drunk off his mind. He’d buy a pie from the little grocery store down the block, along with a bottle of whiskey, and consume both as he sat on the couch. 

Usually he’d put on a cheesy Christmas movie, but the happy families in the movies and the piles of presents under their trees always made him feel bad for himself. So, he’d drink more, ending the day passed out on couch, snoring loudly. 

No, Christmas was not his favorite day of the year. 

“Woah! This is fucking sweet!” Dean says, finding a brand new turntable underneath the wrapping paper. He feels a grin split his face as he reads the writing on the box. “Sam, Jess, this is awesome. Thank you,” he says, looking over at the couple with wide eyes. 

“We figured you could probably use a new one,” Sam says. “That way you can play your records. And this one is high tech-- it can connect to your phone and computer too.” 

Dean shakes his head in disbelief looking over to Cas who is sitting next to him, a smile gracing his lips. He sits the box down on the floor next to his feet, glancing at all of the presents that he’d been given. 

Cas bought him a new flannel, a leather jacket, and all of the _Star_ _Wars_ movies on DVD. This way, according to Cas, they no longer have to watch the old VHS tapes that have been played a billion times. Cas had loved Dean’s gifts-- a new tan trench coat, a first edition book he’s been searching everywhere for, and the whispered promise of a blow job later tonight.

After all of the presents are opened, Sam and Jess leave, the gifts from Cas and Dean piled in their arms. Castiel takes all of the wrapping paper out to the kitchen, having to pick it up from the floor where it’d been thrown carelessly. 

“You could help me, you know,” Cas says on his third trip into the living room, finding Dean lying back on the couch. A huge grin breaks across Dean’s face and he shakes his head. 

Laughing, Dean says, “But you’re doing such a good job.” A ball of wrapping paper comes flying at Dean’s face, hitting him directly in the forehead. “Okay, okay.” He stands up and picks up a large hand full of paper and follows Cas into the kitchen. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Cas asks when they get into the living room, all of the paper cleared away and put in the trash. Dean looks over at him and smiles, nodding. “ _ Star Wars _ ?” Cas guesses. 

At Dean’s enthusiastic nod, Cas stands and puts in the third movie at Dean’s request. The movie starts up and Cas sits down behind Dean, pulling him against his chest. Dean leans his head against Cas’s shoulder, tilting his head up to place a quick kiss on Cas’s jaw. 

Throughout the movie, the two lose themselves in kissing the other. They start out slow and chaste, but the kisses quickly turn into a heated make out session. The slide of their tongues is hypnotic to Dean, leaving him breathless each time they pull back. 

Dean feels Cas shuffle around as they’re kissing, an arm leaving its place on Dean’s waist, before Cas whispers his name. Pausing the movie, Dean pulls back curiously and finds Cas holding a silver band between his forefinger and thumb. Cas’s wide eyes meet Dean’s, a nervousness coloring them. 

“Cas?” Dean says, confusion infusing his tone. He sits back, facing Cas, his breath hitching as he looks at the ring. His eyes snap up to meet Cas’s again, understanding flooding his thoughts. Dean feels Cas lace his free hand into Dean’s, inhaling loudly. 

“Dean,” Cas exhales, his voice tight and shaky. “I debated getting down on one knee for this, but I thought that may turn this into a ‘chick-flick moment’, which I know you despise. That being said, let me start by saying that I love you. I love your smile, your laugh, your freckles-- everything.

“I love waking up next to you in the morning and falling asleep beside you at night. The thought of losing you keeps me up for hours and scares me out of my mind. I love watching movies with you and listening to your music. You make me so happy, Dean. Even when we fight, I am happier than I have been in years.

“I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. I love you, so much, Dean.” Castiel pauses before whispering, “Marry me?” 

A moment of silence fills the room, Cas’s words hanging in the air. They sink into Dean’s mind slowly and a grin breaks out across his face. He nods, leaning forward to capture Cas’s lips with his own. He keeps it chaste, even though he desperately wants to go farther. 

“Yes,” he whispers against Cas’s lips. “‘Course I’ll marry you, angel.” 

A happy laugh sounds from the back of Cas’s throat and he pulls away from Dean, the corner of his eyes crinkled with his smile. “You will?” he says, his voice the epitome of joy. Dean nods, holding out his left hand. 

Castiel’s hands shakily slide the ring onto Dean’s finger before Dean surges forward to kiss Cas again. He brushes their tongues along each other, happiness singing through his body. 

His joy drowns out any thoughts of his surgery, which is only two short days away. 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful Readers, 
> 
> I owe you all an extremely long and sincere apology. I am so, so, so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this fic. I have no excuse. Well, that's not true, I have a long list of excuses that I'm sure none of you want to hear. It basically consists of me biting off a bit more than I can chew, starting a new sport, and falling into other fandoms. I started watching anime and reading manga/manwha, which I absolutely love. You may want to look out for some fanfics on them in the future...
> 
> This fanfic started off as a story that was going to completed in 25 days, which didn't happen (obviously). It has been about three months since I have worked/updated this fic and I am so sorry. At the time, my family had some issues that made it impossible for me to write. And, I'm sorry to say, these events nearly pushed me to stop writing and being in the fandom all together. But, I'm back, and I will be completing SoS and this fic as quickly as I possibly can. I am not sure when that will be, hopefully within the next two or three weeks. But, I have been extremely busy lately, so I can't make any promises. Thank you so much for sticking with me and being patient. I do not deserve you guys or your support. I did not get any comments that were pestering me for updates, only kind comments telling me how much you guys enjoyed the story and couldn't wait for more. I appreciate this so much. I am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, that it took so long to get this up. I love you guys. <3 
> 
> \--Infinity

When the sun rises two days later, it finds Castiel already awake. He spent the night staring at Dean, tracing the lines of Dean’s face with his eyes. For eight hours, Castiel been watching the soft light coming through their single window cast shadows across Dean’s features. 

He’s been memorizing every single freckle, the curve of Dean’s jaw, and the dip of his cheekbones as if he’s never going to see any of it again. His thoughts have been racing, leaving a constant anxiety twisting in his stomach. 

Today is the day he’s been dreading. The day of Dean’s surgery. 

Cas glances past Dean at the clock on the nightstand, which reads eight o’clock. He pushes himself up from his place on Dean’s chest, hovering above Dean’s face. He leans down and presses a line of feather light kisses to Dean’s cheek. More are placed down Dean’s jaw line, tracing the curve.

Using the gentle kisses only, Castiel slowly wakes Dean. He watches as Dean’s eyelids flutter open, his green eyes landing on Cas. Castiel smiles and dips down, pressing their lips together. 

“Morning,” Dean says groggily, a smile gracing his lips. Dean pushes himself up and kisses Cas again, humming happily. “That was a nice way to be woken up. How’d you sleep?” 

Castiel blushes, dipping his head and burying it in Dean’s neck. “I didn’t,” he mumbles, pressing himself into Dean. Cas hears Dean sigh as two arms wrap around his back, keeping him against Dean’s body. He feels the cold metal of the ring he’d given Dean on his bare skin and a flash of possessiveness runs through him. 

“And why not?” Dean murmurs into Cas’s hair. Cas can envision the knowing frown on Dean’s lips and keeps his head down, not wanting to see Dean’s concern. His silence must be answer enough, because Dean says, “Baby, you shouldn’t worry about it so much.” 

Nodding, Cas quietly says, “I know.” 

Dean sighs again and kisses his forehead. “I’m going to be okay,” he says. Castiel shakes his head and fights to keep himself from crying, just like he’s been doing all night. Dean makes soft shushing noises. 

Castiel knows he shouldn’t be so upset about all of this. He shouldn’t be so emotional about Dean’s surgery. He is a doctor after all. He’s been around surgeries for years. But it feels different, being on the other side of things. Instead of being the doctor, he’s one of the patient’s loved ones. It’s eye opening, if he’s being honest. 

Throughout his career, he’s had family members who’ve always seemed so worried, even for a surgery that wasn’t difficult or very dangerous to the patient. He never understood all of the concern. But now-- now he gets it. 

There are so many things that could go wrong during Dean’s surgery. Balthazar could paralyze Dean if he even twitched. He could kill him if he accidently hit something vital. The uncertainty of how Dean’s surgery is going to go is terrifying to Cas and threatens to give him a panic attack. 

He’s never been like this before. Castiel has spent his life relatively emotionless. Not that he never felt things for other people, but what he did feel was never like this. He’s in love with Dean, something he’s never felt for another person. The feeling is wonderful, but he knows that all of this  _ warmth  _ he feels for Dean has the ability to break him into a million pieces. 

If he’s being honest, he doesn’t want to feel so much. He doesn’t want to get hurt, but there’s no way to avoid it if something happens to Dean. He wishes he could go back to how he used to be-- detached, clinical, doctorly. But he can’t. 

“Cas?” Dean says, his hand rubbing soothing circles into Cas’s back. The loving tone is what breaks Cas, forcing a sob out of his throat. Tears stream down his face and fall onto Dean’s bare neck where Cas’s face is still pressed into. “Come on angel, don’t cry. I’m going to be okay.” 

Another sob works it’s way through Cas’s body and he tightens his grip on Dean. He shakes his head and whispers, “You don’t know that.” 

Without warning, Cas is flipped onto his back. His eyes fly open and meet Dean’s, staring at him from above. Cas doesn’t get a chance to ask why Dean flipped them before Dean dips down, pressing a rough kiss onto Cas’s mouth. 

Tears run down Cas’s cheeks as the kiss softens. Dean straddles Cas’s hips and cups his jaw with one hand, running his thumb across Cas’s cheek. Cas runs a hand up Dean’s arm and into his hair, a silent sob wracking his body. 

“Shh, Cas, it’s okay,” Dean says, pulling back. Cas squeezes his eyes shut and tears leak out of the corners. Dean gently wipes away the wetness from Cas’s cheek, shushing him quietly. “I’m gonna be alright.” 

“But what if you’re not?” Cas asks, opening his eyes to meet Dean’s. Concern shines in Dean’s eyes, a flash of uncertainty passing through them. Shaking his head, Cas continues, “Exactly. What am I going to do if you’re not okay? If something goes wrong with the surgery--”

“Nothing is going to go wrong with the surgery,” Dean interrupts, his tone suggesting that he thinks Cas is being ridiculous. “You know Dr. Roche… don’t you trust him?” 

Castiel scoffs, rolling his eyes. “Of course I do. I’ve known Balthazar for years, he’s one of the best surgeons I’ve met. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t make a mistake. Anything could happen--”

“But it won’t.” 

Frustrated, Cas groans, “But Dean, you don’t know that! Don’t act like I’m being paranoid when I know what I’m talking about. I just-- I love you, Dean. If something happens…” 

Dean leans down and kisses Cas, shushing him gently. He pulls back and says, “Everything is going to be okay. Nothing is going to happen. I trust Balthazar to do his job well and not fuck it up. The surgery will go perfectly, no problems, and then we’ll get married. 

“We can have a big ass wedding if that’s what you want. Hell, it could even be at a church for all I care. I’ll be here, Cas. Tumor-free.” 

Cas inhales and pulls Dean down for another quick kiss, mumbling, “You promise you’ll be here?” 

Dean doesn’t answer, instead he reaches over to the nightstand and opens the drawer. He pulls out a mint container and pops it open. Dean pulls something out, hiding it from Cas’s view, and closes the container with a click before putting it back in the drawer.

He leans down and slowly kisses Cas, sliding his tongue along Cas’s bottom lips before pulling back and holding up a gold band. Cas’s eyes dart to it and his tilts his head in confusion. A soft smile graces Dean’s lips and he grabs Cas’s  left hand. He slides the band onto Cas’s ring finger and says, “It was my dad’s. I uh-- I want you to have it. Think of it as my promise to you. I’ll be here, Cas. I’ll be here to marry you.” 

Castiel surges upwards and presses his lips against Dean’s, sliding his tongue against Dean’s. A white heat runs through his body when Dean moans and Cas rolls his hips up. 

He tilts his head up and flicks Dean’s earlobe with his tongue before whispering, “You better be.”  

From there, it’s a rush of body pressing against body. They don’t get out of bed for a long while. 

*** 

“Sam? Jess?” Dean asks as they walk into the hospital, spotting Sam and Jessica in the waiting room. He looks at them curiously, asking, “What are you guys doing here?” 

Scoffing, Sam walks forward and pulls Dean in for a hug, squishing him against his chest. “Cas told us that your surgery was today,” Sam says. “Did you really think we wouldn’t come to support you?” He lets Dean go and steps back, his eyes holding a serious glint. 

Dean shrugs. “Honestly, Sammy? I-- I didn’t think you would be here.” Jess sighs and hugs Dean too, just as tightly as Sam did.  “But I’m glad you are,” he adds, smiling. Pulling himself away, Dean heads over to the nurses station to sign himself in. He feels his palms begin to sweat as a rush of nervousness comes over him. 

He’d put on a brave face for Castiel, trying to rid him of worry, but on the inside? On the inside, Dean was freaking the fuck out. What if his promise this morning was a complete lie and he died on the table? 

Before he met Castiel, Dean wouldn’t have bat an eyelash at the prospect of death. It would’ve been a sweet relief from the hell he was living. But now… now he wants to marry Castiel. He wants to start a family and buy a house outside of the city. He wants to get a dog and grow old, Cas at his side. 

Which is what makes today so scary. He’d meant what he said-- he trusts Dr. Roche to do his job well, but accidents happen. One little mistake and that’s it, that’s the end of Dean’s life. 

The nurse smiles at him kindly when he gives her his name. She tells him to take a seat in the waiting room, that Balthazar should be out soon. He follows her directions and takes a seat next to Cas, grabbing his hand immediately. 

Dean feels Cas’s eyes on his face, but Dean doesn’t look over to meet them. He doesn’t want to see the fake optimism in Cas’s eyes as he tries to hide his fear. Dean wishes that this surgery wasn’t emergent and absolutely necessary. 

It’s a shitty situation he’s in, Dean realizes as he thinks about it. If he doesn’t have the surgery, death is inevitable. There’s no doubt about it-- without the surgery, he won’t live longer than a year. With the surgery, there’s a possibility he could die on the table. Or go into a coma. 

The thought sends a rush of anger through Dean. Who decided to make  _ this  _ his reality? What dickbag made the decision to put all of this shit on Dean’s already shitty life? 

Looking over at Castiel, Dean deflates. He slumps against Cas’s side and squeezes his hand, bringing it up so he can place a kiss on Castiel’s knuckles. Cas makes a small, curious noise, placing a kiss on the top of Dean’s head. 

“It’s nothing,” Dean whispers, glancing over to where Sam and Jess are talking in the seats across from he and Cas. Reassured that only Cas can hear him, Dean says, “I just-- I’m a little nervous.” 

Cas hums in understanding, leaning his head on Dean’s. “Me too, love. But, like you said this morning, it’s going to be okay.” 

Dean nods halfheartedly and presses himself into Cas more, wishing he could just stay here forever. He wants to stay in Cas’s arms, where he knows he’s safe and loved. Just as the thought crosses his mind, Dr. Roche walks up to him. Dean reluctantly pulls himself away from Castiel, looking up at Balthazar. 

“Well Dean, you ready to do this?” Balthazar asks. Dean nods slowly and stands up, looking over at Cas who follows suit. Sam and Jess stand up too, stepping closer. Both of them hug him again, holding him tight. 

“See you soon, okay?” Sam whispers into Dean’s ear before letting him go. Sam looks intensely into Dean’s eyes, almost like he’s warning him that he better come back. Dean nods and steps away, turning to Cas, who’s looking down at the ground. 

It only takes two steps for Dean to be right in front of Cas and he throws his arms around him, pressing his nose into Cas’s soft hair. Dean feels Cas’s arms wrap around his body, clinging to him desperately. 

“I love you,” Dean says. “Remember my promise,” he adds, whispering into Cas’s hair. Castiel nods and Dean feels him press closer. 

Cas’s voice is tight as he says, “I love you too.” 

With that, Dean pulls himself away and looks at Cas one more time, nodding firmly as he turns to once again face Balthazar. Taking a deep breath, he says, “Let’s get this over with.” 

***

Castiel spends the next three hours pacing back and forth on the hard, sterile tile in the hospital waiting room. He knows that Sam and Jess have been worriedly watching him from where they sit by the windows, but he pays them no mind. 

Instead, his brain is wracked with horrified thoughts of everything that could be happening in the operating room. Dean’s heart stopping for an unknown reason, Balthazar fucking something up, the power going out-- anything that could happen, no matter how impossible. 

By the time Balthazar comes out to speak with them, his shoes clicking menacingly on the floor, Castiel has nearly given himself a panic attack. Burning tears sit in the back of his throat and he doesn’t trust his voice enough to speak. 

He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, how he should be acting. He’s been through dozens of surgeries, performed by him, where nothing went wrong. Yet he knows the families and loved ones of his patients worry no matter how serious the procedure, even if he tells them not to. 

Before today, he never understood how much the loved one of patients were victims of the injury or disease just as much as the actual patient. 

Balthazar walks over to him, his face ominously blank. Castiel stops his pacing, wringing his hands in front of his body. Sam and Jess come up next to him, Jess’ hand coming to rest on his shoulder. 

“How is he?” Sam asks, his voice giving away how nervous he is. 

Taking a deep breath, Balthazar says, in the professional tone all doctors must master, “There were some complications with the surgery.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been far too long since I posted a chapter. I am so sorry! This one was so difficult to write. I didn't want to disappoint and everything I wrote just felt boring. So, I shared it with a friend who helped me out with ideas! :)
> 
> Thanks to DarkHeartInTheSky for helping me when I was stuck and for beta-ing! <3

Balthazar stands still, looking at Castiel after making his statement, his eyes full of pity. Cas says nothing, feeling as if someone just sucked all of the air from his lungs. He feels Sam and Jessica beside him, their presence comforting. 

“Complications?” Sam asks, Jess’s hand gripping his arm tightly. Castiel looks over at him with wide eyes, his heart beating rapidly. He’s grateful that Sam is able to ask the questions Castiel desperately wants the answers to. 

Balthazar looks at Sam, his expression more serious that Castiel has ever seen it. A lump forms in Cas’s throat. He knows that Balthazar isn’t exaggerating-- he may be theatrical at times, but when it comes to his patients, he is professional and sincere. He does his best to keep the patients’ families calm, always keeping his phrasing short and to the point. If he says that something went wrong, it’s something they should worry about. 

“Yes,” Balthazar says. He glances at Castiel with a strange expression, almost like he’s about to ask Cas to leave. He must think better of it, as he turns back to Sam and stands up straighter. “The tumor had spread farther into Dean’s brain than the scans showed, making it even more difficult to remove than I’d planned.”

Balthazar looks over at Castiel again, his eyes softening up a bit before he turns back to Sam. Sam furrows his brows at Balthazar, asking, “So, what happened? Did you get it all?” 

Sighing, Balthazar nods. “Almost,” he says, his voice flat. He looks at Sam sympathetically before drawing in a deep breath and saying, “I’ve left the OR briefly to come update you on what has happened. The surgery is still ongoing. 

“The tumor is about halfway removed as of right now,” Balthazar says. He looks at the three for a moment before looking solely at Sam. “Everything was going as planned until we realized that the tumor was deeper than expected. I began taking it out, piece by piece, when your brother flatlined.”

_ No, no. He’s not-- _

It’s like the air is sucked out of the room. Cas feels lightheaded, his knees going weak and threatening to give out. Beside him, Jess gasps and a choked noise escapes Sam. Castiel looks at Balthazar, shaking his head emphatically. 

“No,” he whispers, voice cracking with the word. “No, he’s--”

“He’s alive,” Balthazar says quickly. He hadn’t even paused after his last statement, but it was enough time for panic to fill Cas’s whole body. “We were able to revive him. The surgery is taking a lot out of him, and while I was removing the tumor, his brain began to bleed in a small section.

“I wasn’t able to see it immediately, which is what made us lose him for a moment. But we found it, stopped the bleeding, and revived him.” 

Relief surges through Cas’s body, but the adrenaline and panic still hide under the surface. Then a thought runs through his mind and he jerks his head up, looking at Balthazar. “How long was he… ?” 

“Only two minutes,” Balthazar responds. Castiel sighs, relieved. The brain can last up to six minutes after a person’s heart stops, meaning that Dean should still have complete brain function. If it had been longer, they still could’ve revived him, but the chance of brain damage would have grown exponentially. 

“I should get back,” Balthazar says. “I just thought that you should all be updated. I’ll see you when the surgery is complete.” 

With that, Balthazar walks away, a hand reaching up to adjust his surgical cap. When he’s completely out of sight, Sam turns to Jess and pulls her in for a hug. Feeling uncomfortable, like he’s intruding on something, Castiel turns away and walks back to a chair. 

He slumps down, his body exhausted both physically and emotionally. His elbow resting on the arm of the chair, he leans his head on his hand. Every bone in his body aches, despite how he’s done nothing but sit in a chair for hours. 

All Castiel wants right now is Dean, healthy and happy, in his arms. He wants everything to be like it was this morning, without the dark cloud of Dean’s surgery hanging over them. The way Dean had held him, kissed him… to think that he almost lost that is terrifying. 

Their entire future had almost been ripped away from them. Their wedding, the possibility of adopting a child, almost taken from Castiel. Even though he knew the risks of the surgery, he’d never thought about how easily his entire life could be flipped upside down and completely destroyed. 

Dean had… he’d died. His heart had stopped. And Castiel wasn’t there, he didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to the one he loved with his entire being. 

A feeling of helplessness and despair fills Castiel and he chokes back a sob. He fights the instinct to curl in on himself and cry, refusing to make a fool of himself in the waiting room. But there’s nothing he can do to stop the tears running down his face. He sniffles, shutting his eyes and putting a hand over his mouth to silence himself. 

_ I almost lost him _ , he thinks to himself. The words repeat over and over, only serving to make Cas cry even more. 

“Hey,” Jess’s soft voice says next to him as she takes a seat. Her hands come up to rest on his shoulder and back, rubbing soothing circles on his shirt. Sam takes the seat on the other side of Cas, patting Cas’s back reassuringly. 

“He’s going to be okay, Cas,” Sam says, though he doesn’t sound too sure of himself. “He’s strong, he’ll get through it.” 

Castiel nods, because he knows just as well as anyone how strong Dean is. He can get through so much, but that doesn’t make Cas worry any less. 

The helpless feeling in Cas only grows more as he thinks of how strong Dean has to be to get through this. Not just the surgery, but post-op and recovery. And there isn’t anything anybody can do to help him heal and recover from a brain tumor. It’s possible that it could come back. Cancer was like that. 

This is something that will impact Dean for the rest of his life and there is nothing Castiel can to do help him through besides just be there for him. 

“How about we go get some coffee, Cas?” Sam offers softly. Castiel sees Sam glance at Jess out of the corner of his eye, the two of them having a silent conversation ending in them nodding. “Jess will stay here and wait for news, let us know if anything happens.” 

“Okay,” Cas says, his voice rough. Sam stands and Castiel follows, glancing back at Jess. He offers her a smile, a weak attempt to seem alright. She smiles back, but it looks more sympathetic than reassured about Cas’s mood. 

The walk to the cafeteria is quiet, both Sam and Castiel lost in thought. This whole day feels like an ongoing nightmare to Cas, despite having prepared for it. The surgery had been scheduled for weeks, so it’s not like he didn’t know what to expect. The reality of learning that Dean is worse than they originally thought is terrifying.

Judging from the slump of Sam’s shoulders, Cas guesses he isn’t the only one who is becoming anxious as they wait for the surgery to wrap up. After the news they just got, it’d be weird if they  _ weren’t _ worried out of their minds. 

Styrofoam cups in hand, the two walk around the nearly empty cafeteria until they find a relatively clean table. Only a handful of people sit at tables; a doctor looking at a stack of papers, a girl and her mom sharing a small bag of chips. It’s quiet and peaceful, something you don’t often find in a hospital. 

The table they choose is the farthest from the door and sits against a window looking out to a courtyard that’s covered in fluffy snow. The light above it flickers minutely, but doesn’t disturb the calm feeling enveloped in the room. 

“I didn’t realize it was supposed to snow today,” Cas mumbles, watching the white flakes fall gently to the ground. He sees Sam nod, his arm raising as he takes a drink of the coffee. 

In all the time Castiel has worked at this hospital, he doesn’t remember ever seeing the courtyard. He knew it was there of course, but he didn’t often have the time to sit and explore the building. When he ate here in the cafeteria, it was always a rushed meal before he had a surgery to perform or rounds to make.  

Looking at it now, he understands why it’s here. It sends a wave of calm over him, like seeing the outside and the sky reminds him that life still goes on. Even though things are stressful and hectic at this moment, seeing the outdoors reminds him that it will pass. 

He’s not sure if that’s the point of the courtyard, but it does seem like a good thing to put in the middle of the hospital. 

“He’ll be okay, Cas,” Sam says eventually, pulling Castiel out of his thoughts. Cas startles, looking over at the younger Winchester. 

“I know,” Cas responds quietly. Sam nods and looks at him, his eyes full of a strange look. 

A few moments pass as Sam stares at Castiel, but with the intensity of the look, Cas feels like hours fly by. It’s like Sam is assessing him in some way, looking for a sign of something unknown. 

“You know, for a long time I didn’t think Dean would ever have a serious relationship,” Sam says after a while. Cas’s eyebrows shoot up in question, silently telling Sam to continue. “He was notorious for sleeping around, never holding onto a relationship for more than a few weeks. I didn’t know if it was because of him or the other person. 

“There was a girl a while back that I really thought he’d marry, but eventually they split up too. I never learned the reason for it, never asked really,” Sam says, his eyes far away as he remembers the past. “That was before I’d left, but I still remember how hurt he’d seemed about it. I thought that he’d lost his chance at being happy, having a normal life with someone.

“But then he met you,” Sam murmurs, his eyes meeting Cas’s. “I’ve never gotten the chance to say it, things have been hectic since I came back, but thank you. Thank you for taking care of him and watching over him. I always worried about him being alone, even when I left, but now I don’t need to.”

The words hang in the air, leaving Castiel’s brain spinning. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just looks down at his cup. 

Sam goes quiet for a second and Castiel feels like he can see the turmoil going on inside of Sam’s head. He takes a drink of coffee, watching as Sam’s throat works around unspoken words. 

“Did he ever tell you why I left?” Sam asks, looking down at the table. Cas shakes his head, his ears perking up in spite of himself. He knows that Sam left for some reason, but he never wanted to ask and Dean never offered to explain. Castiel figured he’d find out some day, as it seems like it plays a large part in the brother’s relationship. 

“It was stupid,” Sam starts, sighing. “It was when I went off to college-- Stanford. I had applied there on a whim, planning to actually go to Kansas University. It was only an hour away from our home, so I’d see Dean relatively often. Not to mention that it wasn’t as expensive as other schools.

“A few months before senior year ended, I got accepted to Stanford. Dean, of course, was thrilled for me. I knew he didn’t want me to leave, but he told me I should. He started working three jobs, I got some scholarships, it seemed like it would work out. So I accepted the offer, then promised to call every week and come home on holidays.”

Sam pauses, his shoulders slumping further. Castiel sees guilt written across Sam’s face as he stares down at his coffee. His eyes are glassy and far away, the memories from the past playing over in his mind. 

“The week before I was supposed to leave, Dad came home drunk. It wasn’t unusual, he’d drink himself unconscious nearly every week. But this time… this time he was angry at something I never learned about, and he threw a punch at Dean. 

“Dad was apologetic immediately after, but I-- I was pissed. I told Dean to leave and come to California with me. He wouldn’t do it, said he couldn’t leave Dad like that. That we were the only things Dad had left. So I left after saying some things I regret... I never did apologize for that.” 

The words hang in the air, leaving Castiel’s brain spinning. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just looks down at his cup. The information is heavy between them and it takes Cas a few seconds to let it all sink in. 

When Sam looks up at Castiel again, his eyes are watery and a few tears run down his face. 

“Sam--” 

“What if I don’t get the chance to, Cas?” Sam interrupts, his voice cracking. “What if he thinks that I hate him?” 

Castiel reaches across the table and grabs Sam’s hand, watching as the younger man’s strong demeanor breaks completely. 

“He doesn’t think you hate him, Sam,” Castiel assures him. “He loves you, so much. He told me so much about you before you came back, and it was always good things. And you’ll get the chance to apologize, because he’s going to be okay.” 

Castiel isn’t sure who he’s trying to convince. 

***

It’s extremely bright when Dean feels himself slipping back into the conscious world. He cracks his eyes open and makes a sound of displeasure as the light hits him. Slamming his eyes shut again, he feels someone take his hand. 

Multiple voices begin blurring together, the sound muffled. Dean tries to make out what any one of them is saying, but it sounds like complete gibberish. Slower this time, he opens his eyes, finding his vision to be blurry too. 

Around his bed there are multiple dark figures, which he assumes are either doctors or his family. He blinks frantically, trying to get rid of the blurriness in his vision. Panicked noises reach his ears-- small, scared whimpers. It’s only as the person holding Dean’s hand lets go, moving their hands up his face, that he realizes the noises are from him.

The lights in the room shut off abruptly, the only remaining light coming from the monitors next to Dean’s bed that display his vitals. Slowly, the voices around the room become clearer and Dean can finally make out Cas’s voice whispering right in his ear. 

“Dean?” Cas says, his voice rough. “It’s okay sweetheart, you need to calm down. Dean, can you hear me? You need to breathe. It’ll be okay.” 

In the darkness of the room, Dean’s vision begins to sharpen too. He turns his head towards Cas’s voice and finds his fiance standing right next to him. His hands are cupping Dean’s jaw, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on his cheeks. 

“Cas,” Dean breathes, his tense body relaxing. “Did-- Did everything go okay?” 

“We’ll talk about that in a second,” Balthazar chimes in from across the room. “Do you think we’re able to turn the lights on now, Dean?” 

Dean nods, leaning into the soft touch of Cas’s hands. He wishes he could just go back to sleep in Cas’s arms, but he knows that there are things they need to discuss. From the way Cas’s voice was cracked, Dean can only assume that he was upset by something. 

The lights flash back on and Dean’s vision blurs once again, but his eyes adjust a moment later. He squints at Cas, finding his blue eyes rimmed with red. Concerned, Dean reaches out and brushes a hand along Cas’s cheek. Cas’s hands drop from his jaw and wrap around his shoulders, his body going limp as if Dean just pulled all of the tension out of him. 

“Dean,” Cas breathes, his arms tightening around Dean’s body.  

Looking around the room, confused as to why Cas seems so shaken up, Dean finds both Sam and Jess leaning against the wall. Their eyes are red rimmed, same as Cas’s, and there appear to be dry tear tracks on their cheeks. 

Dean’s arms come up and wrap around Cas, trying to offer any kind of comfort he can. He hates seeing his family upset, especially when he has no idea why. He knows that he is the cause of it, but nobody is telling him what happened.

“Dr. Roche,” Dean says, looking over to where Balthazar is standing against a counter. “What happened during the surgery?” 

Balthazar looks up at Dean, his eyes holding an edge of seriousness that Dean doesn’t like. Shifting uncomfortably, Dean prepares himself to hear the worst. He can tell from the way Cas’s grip tightens around his body that it’s not going to be anything good.  

“Dean,” Balthazar begins, “I am not going to lie to you-- it wasn’t good. We almost lost you a few times.” At his words, Dean hears Cas swallow thickly. But Dean’s brain comes to a halting stop and he stares at Balthazar blankly. 

Shaking his head, Dean asks numbly, “W-What?” 

Castiel shushes him quietly, one hand running through Dean’s hair. “It’s okay, you’re alright now,” he whispers in Dean’s ear, pulling back to look at Balthazar. “Maybe we should take this slow-”

“No,” Dean says, taking a deep breath. “Tell me what happened.” 

With a sigh, Balthazar walks to the end of Dean’s bed, leaning forward on the bed frame. Dean notes how tired Balthazar looks and realizes that his surgery must have taken a long time. 

“The tumor was harder to remove than we planned,” Balthazar says. “As we were removing it, you began to bleed. Profusely, might I add. We couldn’t figure out where it was coming from to try and stop it. That’s when we lost you.

“We revived you, but the worry was that you had lost some brain function while you were flat lined. So, now that you’re awake, we need to run a few tests to be sure that you still have all of your brain functions.”

Dean nods, letting the information sink in. He looks up at Balthazar, his eyebrows furrowed as he asks, “What do you mean ‘when we lost you’?” 

The room feels heavy with multiple emotions; fear, frustration, but love as well. Dean hears Cas’s breath speed up for a quick second before his fiance has a chance to try and calm down. Even though Cas has released Dean from his iron-tight hug, he still holds his hand tightly. 

“Dean,” Balthazar says, holding Dean’s eye contact the whole time. It’s as if he wants-- needs-- Dean to understand his next words. “We did everything we could to get your heart to beat again. It worked, obviously, but you were technically dead for a few minutes.” 

“Oh,” Dean says simply, looking down at where he and Cas are holding hands. 

He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel after what Balthazar just told him. You’d think he’s be upset, sad, pissed, something. But instead he feels… numb. Like it isn’t a big deal that his heart stopped.

From the way Cas’s hand tightens in his, Dean knows that it  _ is _ a big deal. Which, yeah, he supposed it  _ should _ be. 

“I’m sorry,” Balthazar says quietly, his voice telling Dean how sincere his doctor is. “I did my best to prevent anything like that, but… there was nothing I could do.” 

“I mean, I’m still here,” Dean laughs humorlessly. He looks up at Balthazar, holding eye contact. “Yeah, it sucks that you almost lost me,” he says, feeling Cas’s grip tighten even more, “but you brought me back.” 

With a nod, Balthazar steps back from Dean’s bed. He shifts uncomfortably, straightening his jacket. His eyes are glancing around the room, full of guilt. 

“I did,” he says, clearing his throat. “Well, Dean, I think you’re family would probably like to speak with you. Hit the button if you need anything.” 

With that, Balthazar turns and hastily leaves the room, leaving a crack between the door and the frame. The room falls quiet with only a few sniffles between the four. Sam and Jess ended up sitting on a bench while Balthazar spoke. They both lean into each other, Sam’s arm around a teary eyed Jess. 

Dean settles back into the mattress, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He sighs as he goes over what just happened, his head beginning to throb a bit. 

Sam, Jess, and Cas all begin whispering quietly, so as not to disturb Dean. He falls asleep quickly after Cas places a kiss on his forehead. 

***

When Dean wakes again, the room is dark. The only sound are the machines hooked up to him making quiet beeps and whirs. Luckily, his headache is mostly gone again and his vision is crystal clear. 

Looking over, he finds the room empty except for Castiel, who is asleep in the chair next to his bed. He looks uncomfortable; his head leaning to one side, legs folded awkwardly. Dean watches him sleep for a minute, listening to his soft snores and the machines. 

Eventually though, Cas’s eyes flutter and he stirs. He unfolds his legs and straightens his head, his neck cracking loudly. The sound echoes through the room, accompanied by a groan from Cas. 

When Cas’s blue eyes finally fall on Dean, they widen comically. He sits forward in the chair, grabbing Dean’s left hand. 

“You’re awake,” he gasps, staring at Dean. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” 

“I’m a bit better,” Dean says, his voice scratchy. “Um, can you grab me some water?” 

Cas nods emphatically before practically jumping out of the chair and rushing over the sink. He pulls a cup from the stack on the counter, filling it with water, before hurrying back over to Dean. 

Dean takes it and empties the cup in one drink, sighing and resting against the pillows once he’s done. He glances over at Cas, who sits ramrod straight in the chair next to the bed. His face is contorted with worry and purple bags lay under his eyes. The way his shoulders slump give off the impression that Cas is carrying the weight of the world. 

“You look like shit,” Dean rasps, his throat rough. Cas snorts, nodding his head. 

“How are you feeling, seriously?” Castiel asks, changing the subject. His eyes go up and down Dean’s body, like he can tell if Dean’s okay just by looking at him. 

With a shrug, Dean replies, “I’m okay. My head hurts like a bitch, but I feel a lot better than I did earlier.” 

Castiel nods, visibly relaxing. He falls back against the chair, his blue eyes still on Dean. Sighing loudly, Dean reaches out a hand, grabbing Cas’s and lacing their fingers together. 

“Where’d Sam and Jess go?” Dean asks. 

“I sent them home. You were in the clear and they both looked dead on their feet,” Cas sighs, rubbing a thumb across the top of Dean’s hand. 

“Oh, so how you look right now?” 

Castiel chuckles, nodding. “Yeah, exactly that. We didn’t need three people here exhausted, just one.” 

Wordlessly, Dean scooches over on the bed, draping the tubes attached to him over his lap. He pulls back the covers in invitation, wiggling his eyebrows at Cas. When Castiel just shakes his head, Dean groans in frustration. 

“Cas,” he whines, “please come here.” 

“Dean, I don’t want to mess anything up! You’re in recovery, it’s important you get your rest and that everything goes well,” Cas argues, shaking his head. He squeezes Dean’s hand tighter, trying to give some form of comfort. 

“I’m not going to rest until you’re in this bed,” Dean says, sticking his bottom lip out. 

Sighing, Castiel stands up and walks around the bed. Sliding his shoes off, he climbs into bed. He keeps himself as close to his edge as he can, giving Dean as much room as possible. 

Dean glances at the space between them and rolls his eyes before shuffling over and pressing his body against Cas’s chest. Careful of the bandage on Dean’s head, Cas places a kiss on his forehead.  

“Go to sleep, babe,” Dean whispers, looking over his shoulder at Cas and running a hand down his cheek. 

“I love you so much,” Cas murmurs under his breathe. He leans into Dean’s hand, kissing his palm. Wrapping an arm around Dean’s waist, Cas carefully leans his head on the pillow behind Dean’s. A soft sigh works its way past his lips as his body relaxes. 

“I love you too,” Dean says. He listens to Cas’s breathing even out before closing his eyes and letting himself drift to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and being patient! See ya next chapter for the conclusion of the story!!! <3
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx for updates and other random things!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (There are links to images (all SFW) in this chapter, let me know if they don't work please!)  
> Warning... this chapter gets NSFW.

_Epilogue_

Castiel’s hands shake as he attempts to put on his tie for the fifth time. Groaning in frustration, he puts his head in his hands. His nerves are making it impossible to get anything done.

A soft knock on the door draws his attention. The door swings open, revealing Jess in a [lavender dress](https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/private/167159525855/tumblr_oyybn6qE8Y1udubzo). Her smile falling from her face at his state of distress, she walks over to him, shutting the door behind her.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. Vaguely Cas gestures towards his tie, sighing in defeat. Jess reaches towards it and undoes it, laughing lightly. “I don’t think going out there with a backwards tie is wise.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Castiel says, chuckling along with her. It’s not the first time he’s put a tie on backwards; usually he gets Dean to help him. He remembers one time, when Dean wasn’t around, Castiel went out to dinner with some colleagues with his tie facing the wrong direction.

He’ll never hear the end of it, according to Dean.

In record time, Jess has his tie done perfectly and is stepping back to give him a once over. She nods, not pointing out any other flaws.

“I think you’re ready,” she says, her smile bright. Castiel’s stomach drops and he freezes. His hands begin shaking again, but he nods. He’s terrified, but excitement still courses through his body.

She leads him out into the hallway, walking him to the doors of the main hall. Her hand is wrapped around his in an attempt to still his shaking. She smoothes his suit then pats his shoulder reassuringly.

“This is where I leave you,” she says teasingly. “Sam’s going to bring him here in just a few minutes, so just hang tight. Good luck, Cas.” Jess smiles at him, her eyes glassy. He grins back at her, hugging her tightly.

She pulls away and smiles again before slipping into the hall. Castiel gets a glance in the room through the crack in the door, and it takes his breathe away. It’s exactly as he pictured; beautiful and sleek.

He and Dean had decided against anything too flashy, choosing a navy blue to be the only color in the wedding. Castiel bears the color in the form of his tie, as will Dean. The few flowers they chose were white, tied with navy ribbon, and hang in small bunches on the long benches where the guests are seated.

Both Dean and Castiel are wearing small corsages, as they both laughed at the idea of carrying a bouquet. Dean had actually said something along the lines of “to hell with flowers, let’s just go without ‘em”, but after Cas had insisted they have a few, Dean gave in.

Castiel hears the footsteps before he sees Dean and [Sam](https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/private/167159677165/tumblr_oyybv7b3M41udubzo) come around the corner. They both wear wide grins, but Cas notices how Dean’s looks more nervous than anything.

As soon as Dean’s eyes meet Cas’s though, the grin gets even bigger. Cas sees Dean’s eyes glance up and down his body and Castiel can’t help but do the same to Dean.

Neither had seen the other’s suit, deciding to keep them a secret to make the wedding even more special. So the sight of Dean’s perfectly tailored, [light gray suit](https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/private/167159600255/tumblr_oyybr8BmBA1udubzo) has Cas struggling to keep his jaw from dropping.

Cas had decided on a [black suit](https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/private/167159622420/tumblr_oyybseUKN61udubzo), after Gabriel had suggested a purple velvet tux. And, to Gabriel’s disappointment, he didn’t wear anything sequined.

“Damn, Cas,” Dean whispers, voice low. Sam hits his arm goodnaturedly. Dean flinches and rubs the spot, glaring at Sam. Cas can’t help the smirk on his lips, his thoughts on the same track as Dean’s.

“Save it for the honeymoon,” Sam teases. Sam guides Dean into his place next to Cas, both of them unable to take their eyes off of each other. “Alright, it’s almost time. Do you think you two can walk down the aisle and not trip while you stare at each other?”

“Shut up, Sammy,”  Dean grumbles, his eyes on Cas’s. Cas bumps his hand against his soon-to-be husbands before sliding his fingers between Dean’s.

“Okay, well I’m gonna go to my place then,” Sam says, ignoring Dean. “You know your cue.”

Sam pushes through the doors, giving the couple another glance into the hall they’d planned out for months. Neither wanted a big wedding, and while Dean would’ve been fine with having the wedding at the courthouse with Sam as their witness, Cas insisted that the wedding needed to be special.

Of course, Dean gave in easily, but refused to help decorate. But, after Cas brought home a few books with ideas for colors and decorations for the venue, Dean got a bit more interested.

After a few months, to Dean’s denial, Cas realized that Dean did enjoy planning the wedding with him and dragged him into planning everything.

They kept it simple, no altar or archway where the ceremony is to take place. Instead, they opted to have a white ceiling drape hung in the rafters and hanging down as a backdrop for where they’ll stand. It takes the place of a runner in the aisle as well, while adding a softening effect to the dark wood ceiling. Castiel also had white string lights put on the inside to give a soft glow to the aisle.

Leafless trees stand in the corners and on either side of the drape, white lights wound into their branches and down their trunks. Both Cas and Dean wanted to embrace the fact that this is a winter wedding by using the lights. In fact, the string lights are the only lighting inside of the hall besides a few white candles, giving it a soft golden glow.

Dean made many jokes about how ‘chick-like’ they were becoming, but Castiel knew he loved everything about planning their wedding.  

“I love you,” Cas whispers, despite the fact that there’s nobody in the hallway besides them. He and Dean still have their eyes on each other, their shaking fingers wrapped tightly together.

Dean smiles, his eyes soft and lovingly looking into Cas’s as he says, “I love you too. Now let’s go get married, huh?”

The noise behind the doors quiets as “[Bron-Yr-Aur](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKge6Ay9O4E)” begins playing, something Dean had insisted on. He refused to walk down the aisle to something ‘sappy’ and after many suggestions, Cas decided that the Led Zeppelin song wasn’t too horrible. After all, it beats Black Sabbath’s “Changes” for a wedding processional.

The heavy wooden doors swing open in front of Dean and Castiel, revealing them to the group of friends and family they invited. Castiel immediately spots Gabriel standing at the end of the aisle on the opposite side of Sam, where the best men were instructed to be.

It took a lot of thought for Cas to decide who to ask to be his best man. For Dean, it was an obvious choice, but Cas didn’t know who he wanted to stand next to him. He really debated asking Balthazar, but he’s grown closer to his older brother in the past year. He and Dean also found out that Balthazar is ordained, so he is performing the ceremony. In the end, Cas called Gabriel up and asked.

Gabriel was delighted, but didn’t spare Castiel a few jokes about ‘being last choice’ and other nonsense. Looking back, Castiel thinks he made the right decision.

Dean tugs Cas’s hand, grabbing his attention, before taking a step. Castiel follows his lead and the two walk at a normal pace down the aisle. They smile at their friends and family, squeezing each other’s hands as they go along.

It’s a small wedding, as Castiel doesn’t get along with his family and Dean doesn’t have many blood relatives. They both figured that was okay though, intimate was more their style anyways.

They reach the end of the aisle and face Balthazar, releasing each other’s hands for the time being. Balthazar motions for everyone to be seated before smiling at Cas and Dean. The song comes to an end and Balthazar begins speaking immediately.

“Welcome everyone,” he begins, eyes scanning the crowd. “My name is Balthazar Roche and I am honored to be officiating the ceremony to marry this beautiful couple. I have watched their relationship grow over the past year and I couldn’t think of a couple that needed to get married more than them.

“At the request of Castiel and Dean, I will now read an excerpt from Plato’s Symposium: ‘Love is our best friend, our helper, and the healer of the ills that prevent us from being happy.’”

The quote hangs in the air as Balthazar gives everyone a moment of silence to let the words sink in. Castiel had found the quote a few months back while searching for ceremony script ideas. He had called Dean into the living room, tears pooling in his eyes while he imagined the words being spoken at their wedding. There was no way Dean could say no to him.

Today, actually hearing them outloud, is so much better than he imagined. Tears well up in his eyes as he looks at Dean, who hold his eyes with a soft smile on his face.  

“The couple in front of me has already seen many hardships-- ranging from small arguments, to illnesses. Having made it through these tough spots, they have come out on the other side stronger with their love holding them together. The only thing keeping them from being husbands is this wedding, so I won’t keep them waiting any longer,” Balthazar teases, winking at Castiel.

“Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester, having come to signify your desire to be formally united in marriage, and being assured that no legal, moral, or religious barriers hinder this proper union, please join your hands and give heed to the questions I will now ask you,” Balthazar says, his arms crossed in front of his body.

The couple turns to face each other, linking their hands together.  Balthazar continues, “Castiel, in taking the man whom you stand in front of to be your lawful and wedded husband, do you promise to love and cherish him, to honor and sustain him, in sickness as in health, in poverty as in wealth, and to be true to him in all things until death alone shall part you?”

Tears threatening to spill onto his cheeks, Castiel says confidently, “I do.”

Dean smiles, the golden light making him appear angelic, and Castiel thinks it may be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Balthazar turns to Dean, repeating the same question, to which Dean answers, “Hell yeah I do.”

The guests giggle and Castiel huffs a laugh, his smile wide. Dean squeezes his hands tighter, running a thumb across Cas’s knuckles.

“Dean and Castiel prepared their own vows,” Balthazar says to the guests before nodding to Castiel, who takes that as his cue to go.

Taking in a shaky breath, he says, “Dean, I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I don’t even think I knew what love was until I met you, until you showed me. You’ve taught me what it feels like to fall hard for someone and have someone love you back just as much.

“The past year we’ve been together have not been easy for either of us. Thank you for making it through with me. You are my other half and without you, I don’t know where I would be today.

“I promise to be here for you, forever and always. I promise to stay by your side, faithfully, until the day we both draw our last breath. Most of all, I promise to love you passionately and wholeheartedly until the end of time. I love you, Dean Winchester, and that will never change.”

Castiel finishes with tears running down his face. He holds Dean’s eyes, which are full of tears as well. Dean chuckles, pulling a hand away to wipe the tears off of Cas’s cheeks.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna beat that,” he teases, drawing another chuckle from the guests. He takes Cas’s hand again, his face growing serious as he takes a deep breath. “Cas, I want to thank you,” he begins.

“In the past two years, there have been so many opportunities for you to cut and run. Honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did. But, you stayed with me even when the odds against us were piled miles high. So thank you for staying with me, for having faith in us when I began to lose it. I know that couldn’t have been easy, but you didn’t give up.

“I don’t have much to offer you, Cas. All I have is my love, and I can promise that to you completely. I promise not to give up when times are hard. I will try to have faith in the both of us when you are struggling. I will be your home when you need something to come back to.

“I love you, Castiel. There is nothing that can change that fact. Even when we are old and gray-haired, fighting like an old married couple on our front porch, I will love you.”

The tears that were in Dean’s eyes are now freely running down his face, accompanied by a bright grin. Castiel, smiling just as much as Dean, wipes away the tears from the other man’s face. Dean huffs a laugh and they both glance over at Balthazar.

Smiling, Balthazar says, “Wedding rings are a symbol of commitment and love. The rings are circular, and, like their love, have no beginning and no end. They represent what has been and what will always be. Dean and Castiel will exchange rings as a sign of their commitment in each other.”

Sam and Gabriel step forward, Sam handing Dean the ring he picked for Cas and Gabriel handing Castiel the ring for Dean.

“Castiel, you will go first,” Balthazar says. “Please place the ring on the tip of Dean’s finger.” After Castiel follows the instruction, Balthazar continues, “Repeat after me: With this ring, I pledge myself to you. I will be your faithful husband, with this ring symbolizing my heart, which I give to you fully. When you look at this ring, remember my love.”

Castiel repeats the words, his voice shaky. Balthazar then instructs him to slide the ring all the way on Dean’s finger, and Cas holds his breath as he does so, praying that it fits. It is perfect, and he smiles up at Dean.

Balthazar has Dean do the same. When the ring slides all the way onto Cas’s finger, he can’t help but sigh in contentment. It feels like it’s meant to be there, not like an addition, but like it was always missing from his finger.

Dean and Castiel lock eyes again, both grinning from ear to ear. Castiel is no longer shaking, his hands steady in Dean’s.

“It has been my honor to officiate this ceremony,” Balthazar says. “And now I get to say something you’ve been looking forward to for months on end. By the powers vested in me by the State of New York, I pronounce you married. You may kiss your husband.”

Both Dean and Castiel step forward, their lips locking. Castiel’s hands come up and cup Dean’s jaw, and Dean’s tighten around Cas’s waist. They both feel like they’re the only two people in the world, no matter how cheesy Dean will say that is later.

“I love you so much,” Cas whispers, leaning back to look Dean in the eye. Cas is smiling so hard he’s afraid he might break.

“God, I love you too, Cas.”

***

The reception looks similar to the wedding hall. All of the flowers are white, same with the tablecloths and chairs. White lights and candles are the only source of light and give a glow to the room, making it seem warm and homely. The only pops of color are the navy vases, plates, and napkins.

It’s an open bar, which Bobby insisted on paying for, so when Dean and Castiel walk, there are already a few tipsy people. Everyone erupts into joyous cheering as the couple walks through, smiles infinitely placed on their faces.

There are more people at the reception than were invited to the wedding. Both Cas and Dean invited co workers and friends of friends to celebrate, with the mentality of ‘the more the merrier’.

“Congratulations, brother,” Benny says, patting Dean’s shoulder. Castiel looks over at Benny, smiling softly. Benny’s girlfriend, Andrea, who he met a few months back, comes and stands next to him. She grabs his hand and congratulates Cas and Dean as well.

“Thanks, Benny,” Dean laughs, looking over at Castiel. His eyes are lit up with happiness, something Castiel has become accustomed to over the past few months.

After the surgery, Dean slowly started to get happier. His shoulders weren’t as tense, he smiled more, made more jokes. It was as if the weight of the world was suddenly taken off of his shoulders. Every passing day when the cancer remained gone, his spirits lifted immensely.

Benny and Andrea stick around to chat for a few more minutes, but eventually they wander off to speak with Sam. Castiel can’t say he’s too upset to see them go; He and Dean haven’t had a moment alone since the time before the ceremony.

That in mind, Castiel laces his fingers through Dean’s, leaning up against his side. Dean glances over at him, smiling softly. He leans over and places a lingering kiss on Castiel’s lips.

“I think it’s almost time for the toasts,” Castiel says, glancing around the room. The guests are sitting down at the request of the DJ, the promise of dinner soon to come. Dean nods and squeezes Castiel’s hand.

“Well, we better go take our seats then.”

They walk side by side to the long white table sitting at the head of the room. Dean pulls Castiel’s chair out, a large grin on his face. Rolling his eyes, but heat still rising in his cheeks, Castiel takes his seat next to Gabriel. His brother is snickering softly and leans over to whisper in Castiel’s ear, “Least you know you married a gentleman.”

Once again, Castiel rolls his eyes before turning to Dean, who has sat down next to him. Sam sits on his other side, speaking with Jess who is sitting on his right.

Just as Castiel opens his mouth to say something to Dean, the music fades out, signaling that it’s time for toasts. Sam reaches over to squeeze Jess’ hand before standing up, smoothing his tie before shooting the guests a nervous smile.

“Hi everyone,” he begins. “I’m Sam, uh, Dean’s younger brother. Since before I could talk, Dean has been taking care of me like it’s his job-- cooking for me, cleaning up my messes, and being there when I needed him. I’ve never seen him have someone to do that for _him_ , who takes care of him without hesitation. I’ve always worried that he would forever be on his own, the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

Sam takes a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing as he exhales. He turns to Dean and continues, “Things haven’t always been the best between us, but even when we weren’t speaking, I still worried about you being on your own. I worried that you wouldn’t be happy like I am.

“But, after you introduced me to Castiel, I realized that things had changed. I noticed that you were less stressed out and smiling more,” Sam says. He turns to Castiel, “So, thank you Cas, for taking care of Dean when I wasn’t there for him. And thank you for helping me realize that I don’t have to worry about him running himself into the ground anymore.

“To Dean and Castiel,” Sam says, raising his glass. “I love you both.”  

Everyone in the room raises their glasses before taking a sip. Dean stands up and pulls Sam into a hug, muttering something that Castiel can’t make out. When Dean takes a seat again, Castiel glances over at him and sees that his eyes are glassy. Reaching over, Castiel places a hand on Dean’s thigh and squeezes reassuringly.

“Alright, my turn,” Gabriel says, standing up. He turns to the guests, waving. “Hiya everyone, I’m Gabe, Cassie’s brother.”

Sighing, Castiel puts his head in his hand, preparing himself for an embarrassing story that he’s sure Gabriel is about to tell.

“I wanted to start off by saying that I’m proud of you Cas,” Gabriel says. “You landed a damn fine husband.”

Castiel groans, glaring at Gabriel, earning a grin in return. “But, in all seriousness, I am proud of you. I didn’t expect any of our siblings to turn out well, but look at you. You’re a doctor and you are getting married to someone you love. That’s amazing, Cas.  

“The past few years haven’t been great for us and most of the time, we didn’t speak. I know things are rough within the family right now, but I am happy that we are on good terms. I am honored that you asked me to be your best man and stand up here for you, despite all that’s happened. I love you, baby bro.

“To my awesome little brother and his hot husband,” Gabriel says, leading the guests in another toast. “May you have many great years together.”

Castiel sniffs, lifting his glass to Gabriel, who takes a seat. Wiping the wetness from his cheeks, Cas leans over to Gabe and says, “Thank you, Gabriel.”

Gabriel huffs a laugh and throws an arm around Cas’s shoulder. “It was my honor, bro.”

***

“Aw fuck, that’s good,” Dean groans, collapsing back on the bed. He runs his hands along the cool, silky duvet. He toes off his shoes, which loudly fall to the floor. Shutting his eyes, he takes a deep breath and lets the events of the day sink in.

He’s married.

If Dean’s being honest, he can’t believe that he is actually married. After the cancer, he didn’t think that he would actually make it to this point. He’d proposed before the surgery more as a way to give Castiel and himself hope for the future, but it’s actually here. The ‘future’ has become the present, and Dean couldn’t be happier than he is in this moment.

The bed dips to his right and he smiles softly at the groan Castiel makes. Castiel’s shoes drop as well, thumping as they hit the floor. After a moment, cold fingers wrap themselves around Dean’s.

Turning his head, Dean opens one eye and find Castiel staring at him.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel whispers, despite them being the only ones in the room.

Chuckling under his breath, Dean says, “Hi, Cas.”

They grin at each other for a moment, soaking in the other’s company. Eventually, Dean breaks the comfortable silence. “This room is amazing.”

Castiel looks away, gazing around at the room. He nods, his hair sticking up where his head rests against the bed. “That it is,” he responds, smiling still. His eyes turn back to Dean’s face and Dean faintly thinks that Castiel may be counting his freckles.

Their room truly is amazing. They hadn’t wanted to fly out to Europe, where their honeymoon is scheduled to be, until the day after  the reception. They assumed they’d leave the reception late. This was a correct assumption, as it is one in the morning. So, they booked a hotel room to spend the night in; an attempt to make their first night married special.

They debated staying in their home, which they just moved into three months ago, but wanted to be somewhere different. So, they ended up in this beautiful, silver and white room at a hotel near the airport.

White walls surround them, turned golden from the candles and dimmed lights that the staff had ready for them when they arrived. They lay on a silver duvet, which sparkles lightly in the light. The bedside tables are mirrored, which Dean thought would be gaudy, but actually finds cool. Black accessories match the black couch in the corner, tying the room together.

The room is luxurious and perfect, exactly what Dean had wanted it to be for their first night as a married couple.

“Cas, guess what?” Dean whispers, watching Castiel’s eyes flutter open, having been shut peacefully.

“Yes, Dean?”

Dean grins, whispering excitedly, “We’re married.”

Teasingly, Castiel drops his jaw, sitting up straight to look at Dean. “What!” he shouts, barely keeping a straight face. “Since when?”

“Hmm, a few hours ago I think,” Dean answers. Castiel covers his mouth with his hand, his eyes growing wide.

“Was I there?”

“I think I remember kissing you at the end,” responds Dean. They both erupt into giggles and Castiel lays down on his side, pressing up against Dean. “Hey Cas, guess what,” Dean repeats, just a softly as before.

“Yes, Dean?”

“I love you.”

Grinning, Castiel says, “I love you too.”

Gently, Dean rubs small circles on the back of Castiel’s hand, looking down at where his ring circles his finger. When he looks back up, Castiel is staring at him, his eyes full of adoration. It makes Dean uncomfortable, the amount of love in Castiel’s eyes, but he doesn’t look away. Instead, he holds Castiel’s gaze as he pulls their joined hands up, kissing Cas’s.

Castiel’s eyes widen and he shuffles closer to Dean, until his chin is resting on Dean’s shoulder. He lays his head down on Dean’s arm, but still looks up into Dean’s eyes.

“Hey Cas?” Dean asks, his voice growing timid.

Looking up, Castiel rests an arm on Dean’s chest so they have better eye contact. “Yes Dean?”

“I know that this is… well, might be, a little fast to ask this… but have you, um, would you…” Dean trails off.

Huffing a laugh, Cas runs a gentle hand through Dean’s hair. “Why are you nervous? Whatever it is, you know you can ask me anything.”

Dean nods, looking down at Cas’s ring on his finger. “I know. But, we just got married, and this is something big, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I don’t know why, we’ve never talked about it, but I think it may be something I want and…” Cas leans forward and presses his lips against Dean’s, cutting him off.

“Dean, what is is?”

“I… do you want kids? Eventually, I mean?” he asks quietly, looking away. “Like, we could adopt, if you wanted, or even get a surrogate, if you wanted it to be half one of ours or...” he babbles, cutting off when he hears Cas laughing. “Why are you laughing?” Dean asks, looking back at Cas.

Chuckling, Cas says, “That’s what you were nervous about asking me about?”

Dean nods, looking away again. Cas’s hand comes up to cup his jaw, guiding Dean to look at him again. “Yes, Dean. I want to have kids with you. Any way you want-- adoption or surrogacy, if you’d rather.”

They hold eye contact, a slow smile breaking out across Dean’s face. “Any way is fine with me. Though, I think adoption may be something we should really consider.”

“Okay,” Cas says softly, nodding.

Neither can say who moves first, but in an instant their lips are pressed tightly together. The kiss begins softly, but grows heated as Dean’s tongue runs along the seam of Cas’s lips. Cas relaxes into Dean, one of his hands sliding up Dean’s chest, along his neck, and into his hair.

Dean licks his way into Cas’s mouth, the taste of champagne on both of their lips. While they aren’t drunk, their brains are foggy with the alcohol Sam and Gabriel kept pouring into their glasses.

Moaning softly, Castiel presses himself closer to Dean. After a moment, he carefully straddles Dean’s hips, winding his other hand into Dean’s hair.

After Dean’s surgery, it took a few months for his hair to grow back in, having had to be shaved off. While Castiel never said anything about it, he will admit that he missed it. Dean was still as handsome as ever, but Castiel loves the way Dean responds when Cas pulls lightly on the soft hair at the back of his neck.

Dean’s hands slide up the back of Cas’s thighs and come to rest low on his hips, lightly pulling Cas even closer to Dean’s body. Breaking off the kiss, Cas locks eyes with Dean as he begins loosening the tie around Dean’s neck.

Slowly, Dean sits up, leaving Cas sitting in his lap. He runs his hands up to Cas’s shoulders, pushing the suit jacket down his arms and tossing it in the direction of the black couch.

Piece by piece, they remove the other’s clothing. It starts off slowly, undoing each button of the dress shirts, running their hands up the skin they reveal. Messy kisses bring them together between each piece of clothing that’s removed as they rock against each other.  But, when they both are left in just pants, their movements become urgent.

“Dean,” Cas gasps as Dean kisses down his jaw, mouth latching onto the pulse point in his neck. Dean’s hands fumble with Cas’s belt, brushing against Cas’s covered hardness.

“Cas,” Dean moans, making eye contact. His cheeks are flushed already and his eyes are wide. “I want you.”

“You have me. Anything you want, Dean, you can have it.”

Their mouths meet again, both of the grinding together. Pulling away again, leaving Cas to whimper at the loss, Dean gasps, “I want you to fuck me, angel. I’m ready, I uh… I cleaned up earlier… and um… please, Cas.”

A soft moan makes its way out of Cas’s throat and he nods quickly, heat rushing through his body. His head spins with need, but he tries to get his wits about him. This will be the first time Dean’s bottomed, and Castiel will be damned if he hurts Dean.

“Okay,” Cas whispers. “Okay, um, are you sure?”

“Fuck yes, Cas,” Dean growls. “Please.”

Taking a deep breath, Cas runs his hands up to Dean’s neck, massaging the back of his hairline in an attempt to slow things down.

“We’re going to take it slowly, okay?” he whispers to Dean, their eyes connected. “I refuse to hurt you, and if it starts to become painful at all or you want to stop, tell me.”

Dean nods, pressing his hips against Cas’s. Leaning forward, he pecks Cas on the lips. “I trust you, Cas.”

Within a minute, both of them are stripped down to just their boxers, their cocks obscenely hard beneath them. Cas walks over to his luggage and rummages around, pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom. He turns around to face Dean, who is sitting on the bed with his knees hanging off the side.

“We aren’t using that,” Dean says. Cas looks at the things in his hands in confusion, his head tilting a bit.

“Dean, we need lube. I won’t do this if-”

“No, Cas, the condom. We aren’t using those ever again.”

“Oh,” Cas says, glancing at the foil package. “It is unnecessary, isn’t it?”

He tosses it back onto their bags, walking over to the bed. His knees his the edge and he bends down, bracing himself on his hands. Their lips lock again, becoming heated in moments as Cas presses his way into Dean’s mouth. He guides Dean to move farther onto the bed so that Dean’s feet are barely hanging off.

Dropping the lube on the bed, Cas runs a hand down Dean’s torso, pinching a nipple teasingly as he makes his way down to the waistband of Dean’s boxers. A moan sounds in the back of Dean’s throat and he rolls his hips up in encouragement.

“You’re sure?” Cas asks again, breaking off the kiss to look at Dean.

“Absolutely.”

Reassured, Cas slips his hands into Dean’s waistband, pulling the material down slowly. Dean’s cock bobs free, curling up towards his bellybutton. He moans as the cool air hits his heated skin, a drop of precome running down his shaft.

Tossing the boxers to the side, Cas leans in and catches Dean’s lips again. He wraps a gentle hand around Dean’s cock, running his tongue along the edge of Dean’s lip at the same time that he smoothes his thumb over the head of his dick. Dean’s head falls back with a moan, his eyes closed.

“Fuck, Cas,” he groans, opening his eyes and looking at Cas. “You’ve gotten really good at this,” he chuckles.

Wordlessly, Cas nods as he guides Dean to bend his knees. Moving so he’s between them, Cas kisses his way down Dean’s body. He moves slowly, feeling Dean’s muscles relax under his lips and hands.

When he gets to Dean’s cock, he presses a kiss to the head of it before sucking the tip into his mouth. Dean moans loudly, his hands flying to the back of Cas’s head.

Sucking more of Dean’s cock into his mouth, Castiel reaches over until he finds the lube bottle. He squeezes some onto his fingers as he runs his tongue up and down Dean’s shaft. He waits until Dean is completely pliant beneath him to slide a finger between Dean’s cheeks, circling the tip of his finger around Dean’s hole.

“Cas,” Dean moans, pressing back onto Cas’s finger. “I’m ready, please, please…”

Slowly, Cas pushes his finger into Dean’s hole. He works slowly, pulling Dean’s cock back into his mouth when he feels Dean tense up again. Only when Dean is fucking himself on Cas’s finger does Cas slide in a second, scissoring him open. He does the same with a third, after adding a bit more lube.

By the time Castiel is satisfied with how loose Dean is, Dean is begging for more.

“Okay honey, I’ve got you,” Cas whispers, pulling his fingers out. He quickly slides his boxers down his legs, his neglected dick achingly red. He pours some lube on his hand, smoothing it onto his cock as he catches Dean’s lips with his own.

“Are you ready?” he asks Dean, earning a growl.

“Yes-- fucking please Cas, I need you so bad.”

Nodding, Cas tilts Dean’s hips up before lining the tip of his dick up with Dean’s hole. He locks lips with Dean as he presses forward, both of them moaning once he slips past the tight ring of muscles.

Torturously, he slides in until he is buried to the hilt. Dean sobs brokenly, his nails digging into Cas’s back.

“Oh god, Cas, fuck-- you’re fucking huge. Jesu-- shit,” Dean babbles, his eyes shut. Cas shushes him, cupping his jaw.

“Does it hurt? Are you alright?” he asks breathlessly. He holds himself completely still, giving Dean a moment to adjust. He can feel Dean contracting around him as his body loosens.

“No, it burns a bit but-- fuck, so good,” Dean moans. “Please Cas, please move.”

Cas nods urgently, pulling out of Dean just a bit before sliding back in slowly. Dean moans loudly, hooking his feel around Cas’s waist. Slowly, they fall into an agonizing rhythm of Cas pulling out until he’s barely in Dean, then pushing all the way in again.

Hands on Dean’s hips, Cas guides Dean to angle them up a bit as he slides out. As Cas slides back in again, Dean gasps, his body spasming.

“Holy fuck, oh fuck, Cas,” he sobs. “Do that, again.”

Pulling out a little quicker, Castiel slams his hips forward, hitting Dean’s prostate again. Desperately, they rock into each other, their bodies as close together as possible.

“Cas-- s’close, don’t stop. Please, please, Cas. Cas,” Dean chants, tightening his legs around Cas’s waist so they are just grinding on each other. Castiel is barely pulling out anymore, just rubbing himself against Dean’s prostate.

“Me too, oh Dean,” Cas moans. Their eyes connect again and Cas wiggles a hand between them, wrapping it around Dean’s cock. He jacks it slowly, rubbing his thumb around the head.

Dean arches into Cas’s body, breathing quickly. “Cas, Cas, Cas--” he gasps as he comes, body tightening around Cas’s cock.

“I love you, Dean,” Cas whispers in his ear as Dean moans, coming down from the high. Dean’s hands slide up Cas’s back and into his hair, fingers wrapping around the dark strands.

“Fuck, Castiel, I love you so much,” Dean moans. Cas gasps and grinds into Dean, his own release getting close. “Come in me, Cas,” Dean whispers, clenching around Castiel.

Within a minute, Castiel comes, Dean working him through it. Castiel relaxes against Dean, both of them breathless.

“We are definitely doing that again,” Dean says once they both have come down from their highs.

Castiel nods, “We have plenty of time.”

“For once,” Dean says thoughtfully, “I think we do.”

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is finally here! I am so sorry that it took so long to finish this fic, which originally started as a project that would take 25 days to complete. Life, however, had other plans and decided to ruin all of my plans. I hope the wait was worth it, this chapter took a while to work out. Please let me hear your comments, I want to know if this chapter was a satisfactory end. (I did cry while writing this chapter, so if you cried while reading, let me know so I don't feel so ridiculous)  
> Keep your eye out for a possible time stamp or two...  
> Thank you so much for reading and being incredibly patient as I work my way through some difficult things. I really hope you enjoyed the story! <3


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